(I just can't keep) Hanging On

Sometimes, I write stuff. 

And then I delete it. 

And then re-write it.

And then I finally just think to myself, "Darling, you are absolutely mental."

And then I post I video that sums up how I really feel.

Because I'm too ashamed to talk about specifics, so I'll only speak vaguely. 

Because this shouldn't bother me, but it does. 

So there. 

I Miss You.

I keep seeing blue ford f-150s driving around town, and I keep thinking to myself, "hey, Daddy's back. He's come to hang out, have dinner, and visit."

But then it hits me. And then it hurts. So very, very much. I'd trade twenty years off my life just to have him back for twenty more. Or I'd give anything just to start over from this point again.

Anything. Just to have this again.  As weird and wacky and crazy as we were. 

There is a hole in my heart, and not even God and can fill it right now. 

When It Rains, It Pours.

I'm sitting here staring at a text message on my phone that I have apprehensions about sending.

I need to break down. And I need someone who understands that, who knows how I am when I cry, who knows why I need someone different to break down with than my family.

My car broke down today, and I called my mother crying because this is something my Daddy could have fixed and would have fixed. Now, neither she nor I know what to do, and I barely made it to work. But she refused to talk to me while I was crying stating, "she couldn't handle it and wasn't going to handle it." She actually made me hang up, stop crying, and call her back. Moreover, she said since she couldn't handle me crying she wants to force me back onto medication and wants me to stay barred out all the time (that's Xanax) which I refuse to do because I want to be sad for my Dad.

Later, I called to tell her I made it home ok, and she started talking for some crazy reason about my brother's girlfriend, which I didn't want to hear about. Earlier in the week, she said she would give me some of my Dad's life insurance money to use to put a down payment on a car; now she says fix it on your own or call your oldest brother.

The thing she doesn't realize is that you can't depend on him. He's highly immature and irresponsible and never answers his phone when I call, and my baby brother is just nineteen and too far away. He can't fix this either. 

The other night, Heathcliff called and talked to me for the first time since we broke up. He said he was sorry, about everything. And told me that if I needed anything, call him. He sounded remorseful. He said, "I know you probably don't want to talk to me or my ear is not appreciated or welcome, but I do want to offer it if you need it."

So I'm sitting here looking at this blinking cursor. Wondering if I should press send or not.

I know what my heart wants, but I also know what my head thinks. I wish I knew the right thing to do.