Here's Your Sign.

I am an idiot. 

And gutted. 

But you pick up and move on.

And I'm getting really good at doing just that. 

Is "Unconsecrated Single" a True Vocation or a Missed Opportunity?

Warming: It's a bit of a rant, but I feel like this is a dialog that needs to be had. If you feel like sharing, please do. I don't normally advocate sharing of my posts because this is a highly personal blog, but I feel very strongly about this topic.

In light of spending my seventh Valentine's Day alone, I found this article that asks the question, is "unconsecrated single" a true vocation or is it simply a consequence of missed opportunity? A quick summary of the article's argument is this: We have primary and secondary vocations.  What we do (e.g. our jobs) is secondary and by no means can it be our primary vocation because a primary vocation involves vows and taking a spouse (God, Church, or person) that helps us to reach our peak spirituality here one Earth. For everyone, that means religious or marital life. No where in the Catechism does it mention the idea of "unconsecrated lay single person" as a primary vocation.  That's because it's not supposed to be.

So what gives? Why do I hear people talking about "unconsecrated single" as a legitimate primary vocation? The answer is simple. Go ask any "unconsecrated single" this one question, "was this a choice or did you just not find your match?" I guarantee you the answer will be, "No I'm not (or wasn't) single by choice." And any good single Catholic boy or girl will tell you the plethora of reasons why his or her journey to marriage just didn't pan out. More importantly, the right match may be made, but every person on this Earth has free will. It's possible that the right match didn't heed the call to marriage. Then, you have a pair of Catholics with missed callings. Moreover, if the answer is "yes, I chose it of my own free will,"then that person was probably called to religious life but just didn't answer.

My point is this: There can't possibly be a vocation of a "lay unconsecrated single" - at least not to me. I just don't think God created the bulk us for being completely alone and chaste. If a single Catholic does feel that way, he or she is probably called to the religious life. God did, however, say "Go forth and multiply." And that is in our nature for most. So for many, marriage is our vocation to holiness. No, what we're experiencing is a prolonged search - one that we may never get an answer to, one that can be very painful and lonely, especially if you're doing everything by the good Book and the Catechism.

The catch is that there is a growing number of faithful Catholic lay singles. And this is concerning for a family centric, marriage centered church. Soon, Mother Church is going to have to reach out to us because I'm afraid we're going to outnumber the married couples. And if she doesn't, well, the allure of do-as-you-please protestantism and secularism will probably steal the wishy washy ones of us away, and our souls with them. For the rest of us who do remain faithful, I guess we'll just have to be content with offering it up.

All in all, it just seems like there are only two paths to holiness - religious or marriage. Anything in between just sounds like a lack of vocation and a missed opportunity.

Back to Your Regularly Scheduled Programming (For at Least a Post)

I'm still reeling from the death of my Nana, and my brain is still kind of mush so bulleted list presentation it is.

• I've got a guy that I really like, and he seems to really like me, but I already know there's no hope. 
• 1. He hates MS - I'm just not sure I want to leave. Or if I do, I want it to be by myself so I know that it was for myself.
• 2. He's not Catholic, though he is Christian. - It's like I'm speaking Catholiceese when I try to explain things. Funny thing is, Catholicism is a part of his culture, so I'm kinda amazed he knows so little being that he's somewhat ethnocentric. 
• Lent is coming. I'm not sure what I'm giving up. Or rather, I might make myself veil at mass for all of Lent because that would be a pretty hard thing for me to do, to stick out like that. Then again, I probably already stick out being so young and coming to mass and sitting in the middle of 80 year olds. 
• Is it weird that I think it's easier just to be alone? I mean, there are so many boys with so much potential, but then when it comes down to it, they all just fall short. Am I just getting pickier? Or is this some indication that I'm still burned out and in need of a sabbatical? 
• I still think about the missions a lot. Problem is, I only want to go to far off places and help the orphans there (read: Africa, Ireland, etc) Knowing my luck, I'd get stuck in the Bronx. White country girl in the Bronx = no bueno. Then again, doing the work of the Lord, I would assume I'd be ok by myself. But really, wanting to go to the missions just only to help exotic orphans when there is so much to be done here stateside is so self-serving. That's not the kind of person who goes on missions. So continue to contemplate it, I will. 

I said no.

So something kinda crazy happened the other day.

I said No.

I said no to something I had wanted and wished and hoped and prayed for a very long time.

While I might be stuck on Heathcliff in some respects, I don't want him back. But with Ireland, it was always a different story. I always wanted him back, even when I saw him in town or at a bar with another girl.

And not only did he apologize to me on facebook, but he texted me as well. I told him there was no way we could go back to how it was. If we hung out, I'd want to date, and I couldn't wager him over my friends. He agreed that he missed me, and if we were around each other, he'd still want to date too, but he realized he can't make me choose between my friends and him. And he didn't want me to, either.

So our conversation ended with no. Even though I wanted things to be different. Even though he agreed he would date me again.

What changed my mind? Following the sense of peace. Just when thinking about dating him again, I just got the sense it would be wrong, a mistake. And when I thought about leaving things as they are, I just knew it was right. And all this felt counter intuitive to my heart. But you can't go home again, right?

So, I said no. And I felt peace.

Plus, remember this guy? I kinda like him. So far, he's everything I like about Heathcliff and Ireland rolled up into one. I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop. But maybe it won't. Who knows.

I guess I'm still pretty much in shock I said no, in spite of myself. Maybe I am getting better at this whole "I listen to God" thing, haha.

WWJD? Forgive and Forget, right?

I have some soul searching to do. This came in my facebook mailbox this morning.

Jesus would forgive, right? Jesus would forget. Jesus would accept him back. 

I miss him. I always have. 

Is this a test? Is the idea here just to work on forgiving people? Or is this another chance with a guy I really liked? 

What on Earth, 2012. What on Earth. 

Come On, Skinny Love.

I'm waiting to go to midnight mass, and I feel really odd.

There are times in my life I feel so completely alone. Tonight is one of those times even though I know there are people who love and care for me, Earthly and Heavenly.

My family couldn't do anything for Christmas Eve, but I'll see them tomorrow. Mainly, my brothers are either working or spending time with their girlfriends. My roommate is with her family. My friends are with their families or boyfriend's or girlfriend's families or spending time with their brand new babies.

And I. am. here. alone.

And I can't help but think about Heathcliff. This will be my first Christmas in three years, my first Christmas since being Catholic that he will not be sitting beside me. Out of morbid curiosity, I looked up his blog. All he writes about is other girls. He doesn't miss me. He doesn't miss me at all. I know I'm ripping off scabs, pulling out sutures, and pouring salt in the wounds, but I needed to know. I needed to see it. So I can do all that crap where I tell myself I'm strong, I'm fine, I'm okay. Fake it till I make it. And most days, I'm good. But there are moments. Because when I get that tinge of sadness thinking I miss him every now and then, I can remind myself, he sure as hell doesn't miss me, and he checked out for the last year and a half of the relationship. He's not sitting around pining away over me; I shouldn't be doing the same.

Combine this with the fact that I had to go to Starkville to visit a friend and her new baby, and everywhere I went in town was filled with nothing but memories of him, and I guess the scenery just dredged up latent, unconscious feelings. Out of sight, out of mind. I must remember that.

I think he was the first boy I ever really knew how to love. And I think it was always so easy to move on with other boys because I didn't love them like I loved him.

I guess I'm just sad, and it's an authentic sad (not apathetic, depression sad).

It feels like I'm still grieving losing someone I really loved. And I guess that's what I'm still doing. I think that's one of the reasons why I haven't been able to move on from Columbus yet.

So I'm going to go midnight mass, probably a little sad. I might tear up a bit because I'll be by myself. No friends, no family, no boyfriend. But I will be ok because I will be given the best gift one could be given at Christmas: Baby Jesus, the Eucharist, the one who gives us hope.

And that's all I need for the new year - hope.

Desert Unicorn Prayers

Today, I went all dolled up to mass. In the pouring rain no less.  I went because I find myself doing better when I receive communion more often than not, but I must admit, I did have an ulterior motive.

Cute (devout) Catholic boys would probably be there.

And so off I go in makeup and hair and cute casual outfit, and I'll be darned if the priest was the only male there. That would be my luck.  Apparently, in Mississippi, a cute, not-lapsed, devout Catholic boy is like a unicorn: it's magical and beautiful and NON-EXISTENT. (And mass only lasted fifteen minutes. No lie. Fifteen minutes! Is that even allowed?!)

Then again, I've really been trying to quiet my mind and filter out all the noise in my life lately. I've been trying to find my desert. I can't say I've for sure found it yet, but I think I'm getting there. And while on my way,  it seems I've just picked up on a few things. I can't really explain them; they aren't feelings or thoughts, it's more just like it was knowledge just presented to me, and I just trust it.  They are as follows:

As much as I want to be married, I'm not ready.  How can I be ready to marry someone when I'm not even sure who I am? But everyday I'm single, I find out a bit more about myself. I grow a bit more as a Catholic girl.  If I allow God to help me make the best version of me, I'll be better for my husband if and when that time comes.

On a similar note, it seems that just knowing he's the one is a supernatural gift from God. Worrying about it is useless.  Worrying is a man's way of trying to affect a situation for the outcome he desires. Worrying is essentially a distrust in God. Faith, on the other hand, accepts this supernatural gift and follows through on it.  Now I really get why people used to frequently refer to marriage as a "leap of faith."  It is completely an act of faith to believe that God has picked out a certain person for you and then marry that person.

I've really, really struggled in my prayer life since becoming Catholic. I always feel like my prayers are useless, ill-worded, and just plain not good enough. I never know what to say, and there's only so many rote prayers you can say before you're just going through the motions. I'm glad to have encountered the message that prayer is learned quite a few places this week. I'm still working on it, but I'm trying.

Not only that, but Jesus knows our hearts, and He loves us. I know that sometimes, when you love someone dearly, you can just be in the same room with him and know exactly what he is feeling and thinking.  Imagine that brought to perfection! Maybe this is part of what contemplation is - being content of sitting in the same room with someone who loves you more than you know, more than you can imagine.  Someone who just wants to sit in silence with you, who doesn't even need you to speak to express your desires.  Someone who knows your desires before you even realized you wanted that desire for yourself. Jesus can do these things for us if only we would let him, if only we would learn how.

Less than 3,
V.

Happy (Un)Anniversary

Today is a very special day.  In many, many ways.

Today is my parents anniversary, and they've been married for twenty-six years.  I've noticed lately that it's hard to find parents who are still married, and aside from my roommate and Heathcliff, I can't think of anyone else I know off the top of my head whose parents are still married (with the exclusion of Catholic couples, of course).

Today is also the day Heathcliff and I had first picked as our wedding date.  And then pushed it back a year. And another year. And then scrapped it altogether.

In Lewis Caroll's Through the Looking Glass, Alice learns from the Mad Hatter and the March Hare about un-birthdays.  (Many who read this entry can probably recall the Disney song). I'm a fan of un-birthdays. But today, I decided, is my un-anniversary.

Instead of sitting around and moping about "oh lonely me. I'll be single forever. I'm going to turn into bachelorette lonely English teacher crazy cat lady that my students will pity," I am focusing on what's good in life. I normally don't eat pizza during the week (that's usually for friends or Friday nights), but I am tonight. I am going to watch a movie with a girlfriend, talk about boys, and probably even bake brownies and then eat just a bite too much. I'm going to thank God for not letting me get married to the wrong guy and pray that He gives me the ability to see and hear Him when I do meet the right guy. I am going to praise God for everything good, give him my sorrows, and enjoy the gift of life He gave to me around twenty-five years ago.

Happy anniversary mum and dad (though they don't even know this blog exists). Here's to twenty five more, God willing.

And thank you Jesus for another good day.

Glory and praise to you Lord Jesus Christ.
Your will be done, not mine, O Lord. 

Less than 3,
V.

The One

I've always heard people talk about it. They always say these cliche things like, "when you know, you know."

However, I've always been a hardcore skeptic.  At a very young age, (fourteen I believe), I decided there was no such thing as a soul mate. And I pretty much stood by that until a few months ago.  Lately, it's been a topic I've been wrestling with.

I've always believed that love was a choice. You pick a person you like, you make a commitment, and then you stand by them. And I'll be the first to admit, I 'm in love with fairy tale love, but I really don't believe it happens for us in the "real world." By my old logic, there is no certain counter part for every person on this Earth; it's all just a choice, Mr. Right Now as opposed to Mr. Right.

But as a Catholic, if you're called to marriage, then you know God has your perfect husband picked out for you. And God is good, so he will bring you and dear hubby together. But, you're a human! So you can make the choice to love this man or not. I can't fathom that.

I forced myself to go sit in the wedding department of Belk the other day. Don't ask why. I don't really know. I was feeling sad, but I told myself that I was going to go face what was making me sad and just get over it for the day. And something struck me the other day while I was looking at all the pretty plates and silver photo frames: I've never thought it in my life. If all these people can describe the same experience of "just knowing" into the phrase "the one," there has to be some credence to it...that sort of revelation to happen to that many people, I can only assume, can come from God.

And then, I had another epiphany:

As many guys as I've dated, as many guys as I've been puppy dog love gaga over, I've never thought, never felt, never just known he's the one. 


I've always had this super pragmatic approach to love, and I suppose all my past relationships have been dominated by my own will instead of God's will to pick out someone for me. And why wouldn't I let God pick out someone for me? He knows me better than me after all. . .

So I guess I have decided that I do believe in soul mates...to an extent. I trust God has someone picked out for me and that he will be super awesome. It's hard giving up this control, but it gets a little easier everyday.

Marriage: Not for Warm Fuzzies, Money, or Sex

It has come to my attention lately that I still have very much to learn about myself in relation to the new ideas I adopted upon entering the Catholic faith.  Mainly, I think I've been poorly prepared for marriage. After all, in the culture I grew up in, marriage is what you did when you got the warm fuzzies in your stomach or got pregnant or wanted to have society-sanctioned sex. In fact, the advice given to me by several women was, "don't marry for looks or love; marry for money and the others will come after." To look back on that, those are ill-advised reasons to get married. But in my defense, until recently, I'd never known a couple who didn't get married for those reasons.

In the almost year Heathcliff and I have had to be apart, it has become strikingly clear to me that though I am not a terrible Catholic (I don't drink myself silly, still attend mass every Sunday, and seem to find my way to confession on a regular basis), I am a better Catholic when I am surrounded by better Catholics. In other words, I need examples of people to inspire me, and I need to aspire to be better. God doesn't want a half-hearted love; He's all in or nothing.  I do better as a Catholic with Heathcliff around.

Moreover, I've realized that marriage is such a service.  For the rest of your life, you are tied to your husband.  Meaning, all of your heart, all of the time, in every way possible.  You can change, but you can't quit because you've changed. You have to adapt and keep going. You can't say you give up just because you're burned out; you have to keep giving even when you don't want to give anymore. And truly, I see how this mirror's God's love for us, and to me, it's almost unfathomable that any couple takes on the notion that they can do this. Nothing in this mortal world lasts - nothing.  To say that you can do something for-ev-er seems like sheer idiocy... (please note: I'm not calling married couple idiots; I'm just saying that this line of reasoning goes against good logic).

In fact, I'm willing to bet that any good Catholic couple doesn't whole-heartedly believe they can take on marriage just by themselves. They've got to know that they must ask God for help to sustain their marriage because without that, my guess would be that a divorce (if it were possible in the Catholic church) is sure to happen.

Even at that, I've stumbled across several blogs that detail problems with couples practicing NFP, how when kids enter the equation everything can get out of sync and go awry, about how some men struggle with pornography and masturbation, and about having communication problems in general.  So while you may ask God for help in your marriage, there's still the very real possibility that if you are asking for help, there are most certainly going to be struggles. It's not like if you ask God for help, He's going to wave a magic hand and make all the problems disappear like a fairy godmother in a fairy tale would. No, He's going to let you struggle and figure it out.

And so here I sit pondering the Disneyfied-happily-ever-after-love I've been told about and desired for so long vs. Godly love and what that means for marriage and what that means for me as a Catholic.

It's quite daunting. Terrifying, really. And breathtaking in the same moment.

And perhaps this is why I'm not married yet and have seemingly had every stumbling block put in my path to marriage. I still have so much to learn about my faith.  But I know, now more than ever before, why I think I'm better suited for marriage than a non-religious life.

Not for warm fuzzies. Not for the rush. Not for the money. Not for the sex. Not for the idealized perfect love that will never have a struggle.

Just a life of selfless serving mirroring God's own love for us, and a partner helping me earn my way to heaven.

To all of you doing this already, I have so much respect for you, and you're in my prayers because even though I don't truly know, I know it can't be easy.

And if you would, remember kindly in your prayers those of us pondering marriage. I think most of us have no inkling of an idea what we're getting ourselves into until we're already married.

Less than 3,

V.

Hello Blog

It's been a while. It's that time of the year again. Exams. I always thought it would be easier on the other side, but turns out, you can't just cram grading work. Bummer.

I've been meaning to write about various assorted informative topics, but I somehow, I keep using this as a place to sort out personal matters.

In a few weeks, I will have been engaged for two years. A girl from Bed, Bath and Beyond called me to congratulate me on my wedding in two weeks. (I reset the registry last year for May 16,2010). I had the pleasure of having an extremely awkward conversation telling her that my wedding had been cancelled and that she could just delete the registry since I can't foresee a new date anytime soon. That breaks my heart. I cried all the way to work that day. Out of all my college friends, I was the first to be engaged, and now, I'm watching them all get married. It's really painful to try to be happy for someone who has something you want. . .

I think I've come to an impass. As for deciding what to do about my current vocational state, I do think I would make a good wife and mother. I think marriage is a possiblity for me. I don't know if J and I are really all that compatible. I used to think we were, but now, I more so think we aren't. I really feel like God would allow us to get married because he knows some good can come of it; however, I think His is will is not for me to marry J in particular. I think I was supposed to met him, become good friends, become a member of the church, and then part ways. I think I just let other things cloud my judgement (what little I had in my pre-catholic days). That's a bitter pill to swallow.

It seems I've recieved no consolation whatesoever in regards to this marriage. For instance, I was told yesterday there is no full-time position at my job this next school year (which made me feel like now is the time to go to the missions - another post for another time). He's moving back home. When we baby sat recently, though he was good with the children, he got no consolation about having a family. It's been almost two months since that major meltodwn, and I feel like if in 2 years and 2 months of extreme concentration on the subject if you don't know whether or not you want to get married, you're never going to know.

He admitted this. He feels like you can never be sure about your decisions in life. I disagree. Take that logic to its extreme, if you can't be sure of anything, you can't even be sure that God exists...I think you don't have to be sure of things by yourself, but if you're doing God's will, then you can trust that it's a sure thing...

Last night, I finally got him to talk to me some. He got upset that I was watching YouTube videos. However, in my defense, he was working, and it was my way of leaving him alone because I did all my work last week. He then proceeded to tell me that it was confirmation to him that we were not compatible. I agreed. Out loud. He looked shocked. I told him how I felt, how I thought I didn't like me as a person. He looked shocked at that too. I gave him a list of things he regurarly repeats of dislikes he has about me, which include but are not limited to: I'm not witty, I don't read, I'm overweight, I'm kinda lazy, I'm kinda slow-witted, I laugh too much, I don't take things seriously enough, I'm not very self disciplined, etc, etc, etc. I looked at him and asked, "if you have so many things you don't like about me, then what do you like? And why have you stuck with me for so long?" Again, a look of shock. He started to name a few things, but they weren't as numerous as the negatives. I told him, "I love everything about you. I have two complaints. You're overly critical and analytical, and rigid, but those things are just in your personality. You can control them." More shock. At this point, he started to back pedal, and then wanted to leave.

I am actually a little proud of myself here. I stood up for myself. I told him that he couldn't leave just because he had work to do. I told him that I would stay and put my job's reputation on the line if it meant I could help my relationship that I may or may not be losing. Plus, he's been late with grades before for just plain procrastinating. He decided to stay.

I did feel some consolation after last night. I feel like if we could talk, if he would talk to me, then we would be ok. But it's like pulling teeth, and I shouldn't have to pull teeth to get this to happen.

I feel like this is all on him. I feel like he's got to do some major footwork here and meet me halfway, or there's really just no point in staying because a relationship between us, as different as we are, without the fundamental basics, namely communication, just won't work.




It won't work at all.

P.S. Though it may seem like a depressing entry, I'm really quite relieved. There's a sense of clarity here that I haven't had in a while and that's a welcomed feeling, no matter how precarious my current situation is.

Today Was A Good Day

If I've looked tired, out of sorts, and somewhat down in spirits lately, it's because I have been. I've had many sleepless nights, been driven to my wit's end, and just been depressed. I have good reason though.

It's no secret that J and I aren't getting married anytime soon, and we haven't been getting married longer than that short period of time when we were getting married. But I hate, hate, hate getting that question: when are you getting married? It almost brings me to tears every time someone asks me because I honestly don't know. And I doubly hate when people, in all good will, try to tell me "just move in with him! just do it! why wait? you don't have to have a big wedding!" Believe me, I know these things all too well, and I've pleaded my case many times.

If it was ok by the church, I would have already gone with J to the justice of the peace in an old white skirt suit that I bought at palmer home for ten dollars with a bouquet of flowers I bought at Kroger and married him. I would have married him well over one and a half years ago. Unfortunately, I'm waiting around for him to make up his mind.

What most people don't know is that J thinks he is called to be a priest. And he can't make up his mind whether or not he wants to be married to me or be a priest. I've told him several times that if that's what God really wants for him, I can't argue with God. I would gladly give up my hopes of being married and having children to have another priest in this world, and that in the face of his adversaries, including his parents, I would be his biggest defender and protector of his decision.

However, I'm pretty sure he suffers from religious OCD, also known as scrupulosity. If you don't know about this condition, google it right quick. It's a terrible condition where a person's OCD is focused solely on religion. Everything is a sin. Everything leads to hell. God has no love for anyone less than perfect. These people perform penances several times a day, go to confession everyday, and if they say a prayer or an act of contrition wrong, they do it over and over and over until the ritual is complete. Moreover, if said suffering soul cares about you, it also extends to you. There have been many times when J comes to pick me up, and he wants me to change because my outfit is what he considers inappropriate (he has researched this - he found a priest on the internet who says that anything below the collar bone is sinful and any woman who wears shirts that dip below the collar bone is sinning and asking for Hell). This is just one of the many examples I could pick out of the air to show you what it's like to be with a person who has this condition. I spend most of my time talking him down or debating him on certain points to show him how ridiculous and unfounded his beliefs are and that these beliefs are always extended from doubt, fear, and insecurity.

This is exactly what caused J's meltdown over a month ago. I had been telling him to listen to audio sancto because I thought it was a nice resource. I wish I had never told him. He happened to pick one of the homilies on marriage. In it, the priest says, if you can't marry her and support her and children, you don't need to get married. He also goes on to say that it's a sin to be in the same room together. So now, I have OCD J pacing back and forth in my living room saying "I can't do this anymore! I can't be in the same room as you. I won't endanger my soul or your soul." And of course I had no previous knowledge that he had listened to this priest, so I'm sitting there fixing dinner like, "WTF??" After that, it's been all downhill from there. That's the day when he hit me with the news, "No, seriously, I think I'm called to be a priest."

For the past month, I have been living in relationship limbo. Somedays I think I might still be getting married, other days I'm pretty sure I'm not. Sometimes I want to marry him, and other days, I think I really should have chosen Saint Monica, the patron saint of difficult marriages, because somedays, it's hard to say I want to marry him. I've had nightmares, one in which J stabs me to death several times. I've had long discussions where he seems to shut himself off to me. I try to spend time with him, and it just depresses me. It's pretty much been non-stop like this for the past month.

Someone once told me, "you marry one person, but then he changes. and you promise on your wedding day to keep falling in love with that person, no matter how the changes settle into him." I think that makes a lot of sense now. J is most definitely not the same person I met and fell in love with, and I'm not so sure I like this new guy too much. He's nagging, severe, strict, overbearing, depressing, and just plain no fun to be around. He doesn't crack jokes or smile. He can't relax and constantly wants to be alone. I keep thinking to myself, if we had gotten married May 16, 2009 like we said we would, I'd have to love this person. I wouldn't have a choice. How would I fall in love with this person again? Somewhere in my heart, I felt a small, still little voice saying, "Love him more."

Yesterday, Easter Sunday, was not a good day, much like many of our other days here lately. All day he was in his head thinking about whether or not he should be a priest. I was really happy it was Easter, somewhat sad my Dad is in Australia, and a little miffed my mother hadn't even invited me back to the house to at least hang out. But I wasn't going to let that ruin Easter because I had new family surrounding me - my church family and J. But all day, he was just a sourpuss. I can't remember what I did but he got upset over something I did or said, and I just flat out started crying. I know I talk a lot about crying on here, but half the time, I just suck it up. But yesterday, I cried. I told J how I was sad that he couldn't be happier on Easter Sunday and that if this is what it would be like on Easter, of all days, to be married, then I wasn't sure if I wanted to be married. I told him I was upset with my mom. I told him, most of all, I missed my Daddy. I also said that normally his poor moods don't bother me so much, but I just couldn't handle it on Easter. It's not right to be sad on Easter. Immediately, I got an apology, but still, the mood didn't get too much better.

But today. . . Today was a good day, the first good day in a long time. He was in a better mood and better spirits than he has been in a while. He called me to say good morning; I called him on my lunch break. We went to the grocery store together, made some tacos for supper, and even watched a movie. I even got to pick (which NEVER happens). And even though we had to talk very seriously about a long distance relationship since it most definitely looks like he is moving back to Meridian in May, I think to myself, "Today was a good day. If I get these days every once in a blue moon and if he smiles once every ten years, even though it may sometimes be painful, I have hope that I could love him a lifetime."

And so I have listened to that small still voice telling me to love J more. And I think that is the biggest thing I learned this Easter. I learned to love. Fr. John has often defined love as "the ability to stretch oneself past his comfort zone for the spiritual benefit of another person." I have loved him past my limits. With no restraints. With no expectation of J reciprocating this love I give to him. I have loved him as I think a person should. And in some respect, I almost think this is on a very miniature scale how Jesus feels about us. Though He didn't want to drink the cup, He did. Though we still disobey the Father's commandments, He still comforts us. Though the entire world may not believe in His word, He's still there, holding open arms waiting for us. Truly, this is love.