I can't wait for payday

It's emo time again. I can't wait for payday.  The first thing I will do is schedule my appointment with my doctor and refill my prescriptions. Because of my lack of paycheck and insurance, I can't afford my prescription for my anti-depressants and anti-anxiety pills. And I can most definitely tell a difference after being off them for two months. I've stared crying again for no reason.  Monday I slept all day and couldn't get out of the bed. Tuesday I wanted to sleep all day again, but the only reason I didn't is because of work. I don't feel like doing my work. I don't feel like cleaning. I just want to sit and sleep. I forced myself to go to wal-mart today and almost had a panic attack.  No particular reason, it's just wal-mart gives me the creeps, and even though I know they weren't, I felt like everyone was staring at me and following me.  The only time I feel a bit better is when I'm around friends, but most of the time, I just want to sit and sleep and do nothing.

The good thing is this time around, I realize this is not normal. I can tell this is the depression.  I can do things like eat good meals and exercise, but that only goes so far. I know there is a lot of debate out there about psychotropic medication, but I believe with me, it truly does help.

Medicine and willpower only do so much though.  At some point, you have to give it over to God.

And then only thing I can reason is that maybe God hands us troublesome situations or problems simply to teach us to rely on him to carry our burdens.  Maybe we aren't supposed to learn anything else other than that. Just the simple idea that God is enough, and He is more than enough.

If that's the case, then I'm kinda glad I have been diagnosed with chronic depression because it means I'll be constantly relying on God to the end of my days.

Let Me Be Melancholic for a Second

I've got to say this somewhere, before I send a stupid, slightly intoxicated text...

I went to the bar...

Our bar...

And I know it's really stupid; I know it's not logical. But I miss you, and I keep missing you, but I don't want to miss, and I feel like I hurt you, and I need to say I'm sorry and ask your forgiveness. I want to call you, but my pride just won't let me.

But you got a lot of apologizing to do yourself, mister. And I still can't get over the fact that she wins simply because she was first in line. But she's not even yours anymore. She doesn't want you. But the girl who does, you don't want her.

And then I saw your sister. At our bar.

And she said you almost came out tonight but didn't.

I keep holding my breath that one day, we'll meet up again, talk it over, and laugh about how much miscommunication there was.

We'll say I'm sorry.

And forgive.

And forget.

But I know that it's stupid and illogical. And pretty much impossible.

But still, I hope. And I pray.

If it's God's will, then He'll make it so.

Seven Quick Takes

1.

I'm officially past the weepy stage thanks to google. I'm trying not to get angry.  I'm trying to give the benefit of the doubt to him, but I find myself in a situation where it is very hard to do that. Just remember kiddos, EVERYTHING you say or do leaves a footprint on the 'net and can be traced.  That is why I approach the internet with such anonymity. 

2. 

The boy is sooooo tall now.  We used to be dead even.  I now have to look up to him. This makes me giggle.  He also makes some killer chocolate truffles. 

3.

Shopping in Memphis with my family was fun. I've lost ten pounds, so here's to some new clothes and losing ten more.

4.

I once read that when you make a good decision, God gives you clarity.  I have so much clarity right now that it's not even funny.  I can 100% say that I am at peace with happened.  Not happy yet, but that will take some time.  But I'm definitely okay with it.

5.

I think for the first time in my Catholic life, I will have a whole laundry list of things to take to confession. I'm kinda excited by this? Maybe? Maybe not?

6.

There's a little boy from my hometown who got kicked in his face by a horse. Please pray for him.

7.

Show tonight! And I do believe I'm going so I can sleep in tomorrow morning and then go to Tupelo for confession tomorrow afternoon.

Seven Quick Takes (Single Style)

1. 

I'm manic. One minute I'm fine, happy, and laughing, telling myself that I'm better off, and the next I'm a sobbing mess who can't finish her sentences without choking on her tears. This is not fun.

2. 

I still don't understand the reasons. I got every trite, cliched movie line pulled on me. We're better as friends than a couple. It's not you, it's me. I just don't want to be in a relationship right now. I proposed because I felt pressure by my parents to do it. I really have no idea why we broke up.

3. 

Though after all this, I realized we probably would have failed pre-cana horribly.

4. 

I feel like I wasted three good years of my life. WASTE-ED. I mean honestly, how do you date as a single Catholic? Do you? I feel like you can't.  Because if your casual dates don't lead anywhere near marriage, then you should part ways. Because good Catholics who have a strong indication that their vocation is marriage should date with the intention of marriage, right?

5. 

If possible, I think I might get a job and get out of the state.

6. 

But since I can't immediately get out of the state, I'm going home.  A place I haven't stayed any length of time for over 7 years.

7. 

I called up an old friend, a boy. I'm going to see his band while I'm home. He was so happy to hear from me and has such a positive outlook on life in general.  He talked to me about technology and didn't force conversational topics and let the conversation come naturally.  He didn't complain about the use of the word "like." I told him he was like a little ball of sunshine he was so freakin' happy.

And I wondered to myself, after being with Heathcliff for so long and seeing how in shock I am to talk someone like this, is this what I've been missing? How could I forget that most people are happy on a daily basis?

Seven Quick Takes

1.
I'm being a bad girl tonight and making pizza. Along with said pizza, I am going to drink a beer. Probably my first beer (alone) in quite some time. Heathcliff did convince me whilst he was here to partake in one with him.

2.
How the heck am I just now discovering Copeland?!?!  Seriously, where was I???  Oh that's right, I stopped listening to music because most of it is crap.

3.
My cat licked my butter bar while I was making a grilled cheese.  Thank you cat, you have now made 1/4 of a bar of butter uneatable. At least I know that you won't have hair ball problems anytime soon.

4.
I'm getting really stressed out.  Mid-terms are quickly approaching, and I feel like I'm way behind, though I'm about right on schedule.  It's just I received everyone's first essays this week. Ack! We have:
1 online class @ 11 = 11
1 online class @ 8  = 8
3 in person classes @ 58
A grand total of 77 essays that need to be graded within the next week and that number doesn't include
all the late stragglers.

5.
For Lent, I think I have decided to go completely meatless (because I still occasionally eat chicken. Mostly I eat meat when Heathcliff is around because I don't think he really cares for meatless dishes). On Fridays, I will give up alcohol to replace the meat fast. It's a test run to see if I'm called to vegetarianism.  Or not. More on this later.

6.
I get paid a week from Monday.  I will do a happy bootay dance that day.  Probably all day.  Feel free to come watch.

7.
If ever you are in need of a good clean laugh that you can share not only with other adults but with your kids as well, check out Homestar Runner.  It was meant to be a kid's book.  Sadly, it was never published (if I recall correctly). So the owners turned it into a kid's website, which, oddly enough, became more popular with adults than kids. But you can still enjoy it with your kids. :D

Quick Takes or What I've Been Doing

1.

My grandmother, who is 78 and in the last stages of Alzheimer's, fell yesterday. She put a big hole in her head and knocked out her remaining front teeth as well as busted up her lip. I grew up my entire life having her around so much so, she's like a second mother to me. Please pray for her.

2.

On the same note, I don't know if she's been baptized or not. I keep wanting to bring up Last Rites to my Mom and pose it to her in a "don't you want to do it just-in-case?" (Remember, my family is protestant and vehemently so). But how do you give last rites to a person who is sometimes and sometimes isn't lucid? That person can't really make a good confession of faith. Heathcliff says a priest probably wouldn't do it.

3.

There's not a patron saint of Alzheimer's patients or caregivers. That's a crying shame. Both of those types people need prayers and need someone in heaven as their advocate.

4.

It seems every time I start to make some spiritual progress about this or that, I am often slapped with huge distractions, namely midterms and paper grading, at work. I haven't been able to finish my veiling set of essays because it hasn't been at the forefront of my mind lately. There are particular people and student problems at work that I'm spending all my energy on just so I won't have to go to confession. And this is about the second or third time in a row just when I start discovering a new facet of spiritual life, I get slammed with all these things happening at work.

5.

Also, I'm becoming more painfully aware of how Catholic I am and how non-Catholic everyone else is. For example, did you know that stores are selling rosaries as necklaces? necklaces?!?! I have one student, who as a nervous habit, chews on his rosary "necklace" in class. I have to bite my tongue every time I see him do it. When teaching Flannery O'Connor's "A Good Man Is Hard to Find," I was trying to explain how her Catholicism factored into the meaning of the story. I had one student say, "Did the grandmother wind up in that in between place where Catholics go? I don't know. I don't get this. Catholics are weird."

6.

In the process of moving, my cat snagged my wedding dress. There are now two runs on the front satin panel that are visible to the naked eye. I cried and cried. Heathcliff was over and assured me that we could fix it. I asked him if it turned into a hole, would he please cut the knee out in one of his pants legs so we could match. He said he would.

7.

We saw Father John about marriage counseling. We're looking at dates, but we're planning for May. I'm still in disbelief. Bet you didn't expect number seven to be such an upper, did you? ;)

I feel like a silly goose/lame-o/sheepish

Well, don't I feel like a silly goose.

In perusing my usual internet sites, I came across this link: Father Z's Blog - How to Receive Communion - The Turf the Devil Does Not Want to Give Up Without a Fight How timely and fitting, considering how I just wrote about that subject. Silly goose feeling #1.

Somewhere in reading the comments section though, I came across this link: The Correct Postures and Gestures for Mass Half of this stuff I didn't even realize I was supposed to be doing. Most of this stuff Heathcliff does, and I just thought he was being OCD and extremely pious. Silly goose feeling #2.

In reading the correct postures and gestures for mass page, I didn't know what Agnus Dei meant. Upon finding the translation, I facepalmed myself, realizing I sang it in English for almost two years. Silly goose feeling #3. I must say, I do prefer the Latin to the English.

I am so ill-educated. There's all this stuff I feel like I should know, rooted in tradition and history, and I feel like no one's told me about it! So I go digging for all this information, and just when I think I have a good handle on the information, I find more and more. It's a little overwhelming at times.

Anyway, on to other entries. This is just some food for thought.

Quick Takes on a Wednesday!

I know this blog is getting neglected again, but I've been packing the house up and purging of unneeded and unwanted things. Here are a select few things I've been mulling over for posts.

1. Why Every Good Catholic Should Watch Bones

Bones is a t.v. show in a CSI format from an intelligent viewpoint. The main character is an atheistic forensic anthropologist. The science behind the cases and anthropological details are quite sound (anthropology would have been my major had I thought I could hack it as an archeologist). Moreover though, the ever lovable FBI special agent, Seely Booth, is a hardcore Catholic. And while he does falter and sin, (which only makes him more lovable to see that he's being portrayed as a fully human character unlike many archetypal characters on this CSI shows), he vehemently defends the Faith, the Church, the Holy Father, the case for God, and God against the atheistic Temperence Brennan. And I think she's starting to crack. However, I am afraid that when the show ends, they will Hollywood-ize Booth's faith. We'll see. Oh, did I mention Booth is portrayed by David Boreanz? ANGEL!!!

2. Why Every Good Catholic Should Watch The X-Files

We all remember The X-Files. That creepy music. The weird rolling clouds with "The Truth is Out There" scribbled on them. The X-Files is a show that is fiction based in truth. And though they had different approaches, Mulder and Scully were both searching for one thing - Truth with a capital T. But, again, we see the whole Truth vs. Reason theme at work in the pairing of Mulder and Scully (which is where I'm pretty sure Bones pulled from since there are references to the X-Files in the show). Only in this show, Mulder, the alien conspiracy theory believer, the one who believes in seeing the unseen, can't believe in God. Scully, on the other hand, the hardcore empirical scientist, is a devout Catholic and defends her Faith in God to Mulder. The show in itself, is inherently a Catholic one. If you've never watched The X-Files before, all nine seasons are available for instant play via netflix. You can come over to my house and we'll have an X-Files Party! Glowing aliens and the whole bit. However, if you don't want to venture into sci-fi nerdom with me, you could always rent the latest X-Files movie, which is also inherently Catholic and a stand alone (meaning you don't need to know any of the mythos to watch it). Because as we all know, "The X-Files is still relevant!" [insert J rolling his eyes]

3. I've decided to rename J to Heathcliff.

This name is much more beneficial as it describes him pretty accurately. Heathcliff, in literature, was a brooding, dark, angsty young gypsy boy who grew up and turned into a bitter old man (but only because his true love was his heart and soul and she died, so he lost his heart and soul. Poor Heathcliff!) But in his younger years, he was quite a dashing and charming guy. Heathcliff is also the name to an antagonistic orange tabby cat.

No, seriously, Heathcliff is doing much better these days. And in effect, we're doing better as well. :) I thank God for it.

4. The Lost Finale was kind of sucky.

I watched the show for the first four seasons, and then, I quit because the writing was terrible and the plot holes were so gaping. The finale, tried to assert certain inherently and explicitly Christian values, but ultimately, in my opinion, failed to do so. Though I do applaud their attempt, political correctness and wishful thinking precluded their writing from having and transcendent meaning. I'll wait another few weeks before discussing this so as to give people time to watch it and not give away spoilers. Also, anyone notice how I'm a sucker for pop culture + Catholicism? I've always been that way for some reason.

5. Also, going back to number 1, why didn't I become an archeologist?

Oh right, I thought I wouldn't make any money. But I'm not making any money now and I would much rather be digging up bones and discovering than trying to convince Freshmen that yes, the comma really does go there, and yes, it really is important, and you really do need it.

6. Speaking of money, I get paid Friday.

I'm dying for my paycheck as my accounting section at my workplace decided to "re-schedule" for accounting reasons when us part-timers would get paid. So, where as I thought I would get paid in two weeks at the beginning of the month, I actually was waiting another month to get paid! Ouch. I'm really getting sick of macaroni and cheese. First thing when I get paid, I'm treating Heathcliff and I to a good hot meal.

7. My friend gave me some really good news.

Not news about me. Just good news. Sometimes, when you're having a crappy day (as I had been), good news like that is all you need to hear to continue to hope for the best.