I can't wait for payday

It's emo time again. I can't wait for payday.  The first thing I will do is schedule my appointment with my doctor and refill my prescriptions. Because of my lack of paycheck and insurance, I can't afford my prescription for my anti-depressants and anti-anxiety pills. And I can most definitely tell a difference after being off them for two months. I've stared crying again for no reason.  Monday I slept all day and couldn't get out of the bed. Tuesday I wanted to sleep all day again, but the only reason I didn't is because of work. I don't feel like doing my work. I don't feel like cleaning. I just want to sit and sleep. I forced myself to go to wal-mart today and almost had a panic attack.  No particular reason, it's just wal-mart gives me the creeps, and even though I know they weren't, I felt like everyone was staring at me and following me.  The only time I feel a bit better is when I'm around friends, but most of the time, I just want to sit and sleep and do nothing.

The good thing is this time around, I realize this is not normal. I can tell this is the depression.  I can do things like eat good meals and exercise, but that only goes so far. I know there is a lot of debate out there about psychotropic medication, but I believe with me, it truly does help.

Medicine and willpower only do so much though.  At some point, you have to give it over to God.

And then only thing I can reason is that maybe God hands us troublesome situations or problems simply to teach us to rely on him to carry our burdens.  Maybe we aren't supposed to learn anything else other than that. Just the simple idea that God is enough, and He is more than enough.

If that's the case, then I'm kinda glad I have been diagnosed with chronic depression because it means I'll be constantly relying on God to the end of my days.

The Invisible Illness

I feel like I should go around and apologize to everyone. 

I've missed a few doses of my medicine these past few days, and I have been losing sleep grading papers, and I haven't been eating because I've been stressed out about the job interview.  

These are all classic symptoms of depression, but what they don't tell you, or rather what they should stress more in those lame "feeling blue" commercials, is that it is absolutely vital to keep your physical body in tip top condition lest your serotonin imbalance become even worse to where medicine is not even effective. 

Needless to say, I had a major meltdown at work when a student reported me to my boss's boss without approaching me with her concerns first.

Even worse, I went all I-hate-the-world-I-might-as-well-jump-off-a-cliff-because-my-life-has-no-meaning on everyone who talked to me that day.  Trust me, you ever catch me in one of those moods, I promise, it's not you. It's most definitely me. I'm probably tired, cranky, hungry, stressed, and depressed, and you just need to give me a big hug and feed me and let me sleep.

And so I did. A friend took me out for a steak, I had a nice cry, I slept a good eight hours, I took a nice long bath, I exercised a bit, and I relaxed with some Netflix. 

Right before I logged off for the night, though, a friend made this post that is making its rounds on facebook:

YOU DON'T LOOK SICK!!! No I don't. It's hard to explain to someone when they have no clue. It's a daily struggle feeling sick on the inside while you look fine on the outside. Please put this as your status for at least 1 hour if you or someone you know has an invisible illness (Anxiety, Bipolar, Depression , Diabetes, LUPUS, RA, Fibromyalga, Crohns, Arthritis, etc..) Never judge what you don't understand.

It is hard for people to understand what depression and anxiety are like. It's hard for me to describe. It's like no matter what you say or do, you can't convince me that someone is not out to do me wrong or that something bad is not going to happen. If something bad or unwanted does happen, all I can do is think about it. And I'll replay the situation over and over and over again in my head. It's hard to explain that even though you know in your head that you're a fun person to be around, in your heart, you feel so worthless that you don't want to be social. A panic attack feels like you're drowning in air, and your heart could fly out of your chest at any given second. And what is really hard is for people to understand that even though you look fine, some days are good, and some days are bad. You can't just tell people, "oh my depression is flaring up again." They think you take a pill and are done with it, but it's a daily struggle. 

I guess all of this is to say I know this is my cross, and I've accepted that, and I would almost even say I'm happy to do it for the Lord. But I know I could be better about offering up my daily sufferings. And I know I could pray more for those like me who suffer from both depression and anxiety.  

Lord, if it is your will, heal those who silently suffer. If not, we pray that their suffering may serve You and Your Kingdom. 

Fish Friday

I've had pretty good days this past week. In fact, it's odd because I'd say in general my days are more good than bad or apathetic as they used to be. I'm happy with my job, my living arrangement, and I'm actually kinda happy being single. I mean, sure, I wouldn't mind a cute boy to buy me dinner and a movie every now and then, but for the most part, I'm keeping busy and happy on my own.

I'm learning more about myself than I ever really knew. For instance, I did not know the following about myself:

1. I like folk music and old country music.
2. I like floral print.
3. I like awkward, quirky, cult comedies.
4. I like hipster clothing and house decorations, even though I'm totally not a hipster.
5. I like being able to walk places, even if it's 100 degrees out.

I really haven't been anxious about anyone or anything except for the other night for just an hour or two.

And I feel like I've been more spiritually productive than I have in a long time.

I've heard Father say it before that if a person is depressed, then their spiritual life will suffer. I can't help but think that held true for me.  Moreover, I've been diligent about taking my medicine, but I've also had to become more disciplined.  Many doctors and therapists recommend exercise, a balanced diet, and strangely enough, sunshine to keep a chemically imbalanced person even keeled. I've been trying to do these things, as well as at least go to Mass three times a week.

I guess all I'm trying to say is while I still wrestle with situations and things and feelings in my heart an head, overall, I'm happy.  And that's something I haven't had in a long, long time.

Thanks be to God. 


Less than 3,
V.

Why now?

I should be grading, but my head and heart are completely somewhere else right now.

Namely, on that boy, Ireland.

Obviously, I really like him. And contrary to other boys I've dated, I can actually name qualities about him that I really, really like.  This is rare for me. I usually can't name specifics about why I like a boy; normally, I just say, "I just do."

But not with him. Nope.  I mean, sure, there are the superficial things like his blue eyes or his smile or his geeky dress, but there are other things as well, like the way he laughs when he gets super tickled at something funny or the confused expression he'll make when he's trying hard to understand something and completely thinks his face looks dead even.  I've never been able to say specific things such as those that I like about a boy before. . .

What I don't understand is this: why now?

Why now when everyone (who is not Catholic) around me is saying "BE SINGLE OR ELSE."

Why now just a little over a month after a failed two year engagement?

Why now after I'm spent and burned out on love and really have no energy to give of myself?

Why now when I decide to give up relationships for Lent, does a boy that I really like get dropped right into my lap? Is this some sort of test? Resist temptation and be rewarded? But God doesn't do that, right?  Because that just seems a bit cruel...

I have my theory, which is that we basically need each other right now.  He's going through a bit of a tough time and is a lapsed cradle Catholic. I think he needs someone strong in faith to hold his hand as he goes through this. And I'm the worst about saving myself for myself, but if I care enough, I'll try to save someone else (which in turn, can help you save yourself - if that makes any sense).

On the other hand, I need someone to hold my hand just as much.  He's gone through a bout of clinical depression and also knows what it is like to deal with an anxiety disorder. So when I say, "I need to leave the grocery store, it's making me uncomfortable," or, "today is a bad day. I just can't convince myself to get out of the bed," he completely understands, but he also helps me deal with it.

Moreover, we're both twenty five and in very similar predicaments. He has no idea what he wants to do with his life, all of his friends are married or marrying, moved or moving, or having children, and he feels left in the dust. I feel the exact same way. Once upon a time, I thought I would be a writer and teach until I got that as a full time gig.  Now, I really have no idea if that is what I want at all! Plus, it's nice being able to confide in someone without being accused of being jealous of married people.

So, in one way, I'm completely head over heels. My heart is trying to throw reason under the bus.  But then my pragmatic side says:

1. He's a lapsed Catholic. You can't get too attached to him because you really can't get serious.
2. You don't know if he would be a good father.
3. You've known him a month.
4. You may like him so much just because he's not Heathcliff.
5. You may be rebounding.

And the thing is, I like him so much, I'm willing to back off for a bit and really think this out! I'm terrified I'm going to screw this up somehow! That's how much of a good feeling I have about this...

I really feel like I'm over thinking things. But faith and reason should be able to work together right? How do you balance the two?

I really just want to bang my head on the wall...

Any suggestions for Saints to petition are always welcomed.

Less than 3,

V.