Birthday Birthday

What a weird birthday.

Usually, I rejoice in the fact of my getting a year older, but this year, I just haven't really cared or been that excited by it.

I mean, I have a lot of good things going on in my life right now.

I have a job I love. I have a boy I really like, who actually wants to attend mass with me to learn about the Church. I have good friends and family supporting me all around.

But I still have a lot of sadness. I think today it finally sank in that my dad is gone. For the longest time, it's just felt like he's not available - like work made him travel to Australia or Germany again, and he just hasn't been able to talk to me. But he always, always, calls me for my birthday. And he couldn't today. And he won't. And I think maybe that's the moment that I realized he's really gone. 

I've been looking for some consolation in all of this, and I think I've finally come to realize that I appreciate the man my father was for me, and I want to marry someone just like him.  Someone who loved his wife, even in her eccentricities, loved his children, and wanted to be their rock and their provider. Someone who always brought flowers and chocolate to all of the women on Valentine's Day, who always put up the Christmas tree with his children, who flew kites every May, who reprimanded us when necessary, but above all, did all of these things with love for those he loved. 

I think I've been searching for that kind of love my entire life, and I feel a little bit like Dorothy.  My heart's desire been in my own front yard this entire time, and I never really realized it until it was gone. And I know God has that kind of love too; I just wish I could feel it a bit more these days.

One Month Down. The Rest of My Life to Go.

Today marks a month since my dad died.

I'm not sure exactly where I stand. Some days it's okay, and some days, it's like a sucker punch to the stomach all over gain, this weird panicked feeling like the world is falling away from underneath your feet.

Also a confession: I haven't been to mass in a month.  The first Sunday it was my dad's funeral, the second Sunday I was home with my mother who was recovering from knee surgery,  the third sunday I was too depressed, and yesterday, I was too tired. The sad part: I haven't missed going to mass. I get nothing from it anymore. I don't even bother listening to the priest's homilies because they are so unsound at times...I usually just say a rosary. Even worse in my opinion - no one has noticed I've been missing.

Not only that, but I'm really struggling to stay Catholic or even care about being Catholic these days. It's hard to be Catholic when you don't much care for your parish or when you don't have a good Catholic support system around you. It would be so much easier to leave and just be protestant or nothing at all.

I can see how most cradle Catholics lapse so easily. Unfortunately for me, I was catechized too well for that.

I guess I'm not mad at God, but sorely disappointed at the hand I've been given, and I don't really feel like worshipping and following someone who has given me such sorrows the past few years. And quite frankly, I don't feel like talking with Him, much less loving him right now.

But He's a big God, right? He was once human right? So He can take it till I sort myself out. Or do something to show me He still loves me because right now, it doesn't feel much like anything.