I said no.

So something kinda crazy happened the other day.

I said No.

I said no to something I had wanted and wished and hoped and prayed for a very long time.

While I might be stuck on Heathcliff in some respects, I don't want him back. But with Ireland, it was always a different story. I always wanted him back, even when I saw him in town or at a bar with another girl.

And not only did he apologize to me on facebook, but he texted me as well. I told him there was no way we could go back to how it was. If we hung out, I'd want to date, and I couldn't wager him over my friends. He agreed that he missed me, and if we were around each other, he'd still want to date too, but he realized he can't make me choose between my friends and him. And he didn't want me to, either.

So our conversation ended with no. Even though I wanted things to be different. Even though he agreed he would date me again.

What changed my mind? Following the sense of peace. Just when thinking about dating him again, I just got the sense it would be wrong, a mistake. And when I thought about leaving things as they are, I just knew it was right. And all this felt counter intuitive to my heart. But you can't go home again, right?

So, I said no. And I felt peace.

Plus, remember this guy? I kinda like him. So far, he's everything I like about Heathcliff and Ireland rolled up into one. I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop. But maybe it won't. Who knows.

I guess I'm still pretty much in shock I said no, in spite of myself. Maybe I am getting better at this whole "I listen to God" thing, haha.

WWJD? Forgive and Forget, right?

I have some soul searching to do. This came in my facebook mailbox this morning.

Jesus would forgive, right? Jesus would forget. Jesus would accept him back. 

I miss him. I always have. 

Is this a test? Is the idea here just to work on forgiving people? Or is this another chance with a guy I really liked? 

What on Earth, 2012. What on Earth. 

I'm holding all the tickets. You're owning all the fines.

Today is a sad day. I know it because I woke up crying, I've been crying for an hour, and now I have Skinny Love on repeat. Indulge me a bit because writing is how I deal with things. If I don't write it somewhere, it never comes out and just stays bottled up inside eating away at my soul.

I was telling a friend yesterday that the common courtesy of "texting a girl the next morning" after you go out on a date freaks me out these days. I feel like I'm being smothered in attention. The most I can give to a guy is a few hours, and then, I'm done. I don't want to see or hear from him for a few days. Anymore attention than that, and I get scared.

I want a relationship, but I don't. I want company and a bond, but I don't want the heartache. The effort. The attention. I want to get married, but I don't want to get married at all. Basically, I've got commitment issues now. I blame it on Heathcliff. I don't blame him for much, actually, but I do blame him for that.

I was telling all this to a co-worker who was asking me about how my date went the other night. You know, the one with the other half-asian, half-white boy. I told her that he texted the next morning, the polite thing to do, and it was freaking me out because I don't want a commitment. She said I had to stop letting Heathcliff have so much control over my current life. Lord knows she's right. I mean, he's certainly not crying over me.

Last night, I revisited a dream I've had before only it was a continuation. Previously in a dream from over a year ago, Heathcliff and I had gotten married and moved into this amazing apartment. In last night's dream, I served him with divorce papers because he had already left me a long time ago and cut off all contact. I went through the entire place taking pictures of the things that belonged to me or my parents, and he agreed to sign the papers. Even in my dream, where apparently I still loved him as much as I used to, watching him sign those papers broke my heart. I was in shock. The one thing on Earth I thought was rock solid was crumbling, falling like grains of sand through the cracks in my fingers.

That was one of the things I told him when I first started dating him and contemplated the move to Catholicism.  "I just want one sure thing in this life. And I know I'm not going to find it on Earth." But among my sure things on Earth, as sure as Earthly things can get, I counted him at the top of that list.

But he let me down in such a major way.

I keep feeling like I won't have closure and be able to move on until I decide what it is I would have said to him after getting dumped because even to the last minute, I was trying to work it out with him. I still don't know what that would be, but I need to find the words, not necessarily for him to hear them, but for myself. Just so that I know.

In the meantime, I'm going to try to dispose of all the tickets and baggage I've got so no one else has to pay fines for crimes they didn't commit or carry luggage they didn't pack.

The One

I've always heard people talk about it. They always say these cliche things like, "when you know, you know."

However, I've always been a hardcore skeptic.  At a very young age, (fourteen I believe), I decided there was no such thing as a soul mate. And I pretty much stood by that until a few months ago.  Lately, it's been a topic I've been wrestling with.

I've always believed that love was a choice. You pick a person you like, you make a commitment, and then you stand by them. And I'll be the first to admit, I 'm in love with fairy tale love, but I really don't believe it happens for us in the "real world." By my old logic, there is no certain counter part for every person on this Earth; it's all just a choice, Mr. Right Now as opposed to Mr. Right.

But as a Catholic, if you're called to marriage, then you know God has your perfect husband picked out for you. And God is good, so he will bring you and dear hubby together. But, you're a human! So you can make the choice to love this man or not. I can't fathom that.

I forced myself to go sit in the wedding department of Belk the other day. Don't ask why. I don't really know. I was feeling sad, but I told myself that I was going to go face what was making me sad and just get over it for the day. And something struck me the other day while I was looking at all the pretty plates and silver photo frames: I've never thought it in my life. If all these people can describe the same experience of "just knowing" into the phrase "the one," there has to be some credence to it...that sort of revelation to happen to that many people, I can only assume, can come from God.

And then, I had another epiphany:

As many guys as I've dated, as many guys as I've been puppy dog love gaga over, I've never thought, never felt, never just known he's the one. 


I've always had this super pragmatic approach to love, and I suppose all my past relationships have been dominated by my own will instead of God's will to pick out someone for me. And why wouldn't I let God pick out someone for me? He knows me better than me after all. . .

So I guess I have decided that I do believe in soul mates...to an extent. I trust God has someone picked out for me and that he will be super awesome. It's hard giving up this control, but it gets a little easier everyday.