Lately, people around the internet have been doing a good job of reminding me about one of God's greatest gifts: peace.
I knew when I moved from Starkville to Columbus, I was making the right decision. I was apprehensive, but I was at peace about it. Confident, almost. Excited. Like a little kid holding her breath for the end of the train. Knowing you could make it, but still, not so sure.
And I've loved being here. I really have. I've got a strong feeling of community, learned how to have confidence and a backbone, formed some really strong friendships, become more outgoing, and have had some really good times.
But I can't help but feel this is a place I felt I was put just to learn those things. A transitional place. Kinda like a train station. Just waiting for my next ride to show up.
And I know, I've felt it in my bones for a long time now, that I'm ready to go wherever. But I can't help but still feel Columbus has a few more things to teach me before I can set off in the big, wide world on my own.
A while back, I mentioned I was looking for somewhere bigger, somewhere that would offer me an adventure. And I know I've mentioned several times that I'm going to Ireland for spring break (I'm halfway to my monetary goal). But I feel like that trip would be a test run to really see if I'm ready for my big adventure, and it's one of the many reasons why it's so important that I go.
But I have the same feeling about this next move. I just know in my heart of hearts I'm not meant to be here right now. I think I'll wind back up in Mississippi in the long run, but I'm oddly at peace with the fact that I'll be moving again soon.
Now, if I could just learn to read the same sensations of peace with boys, I'd be doing well for myself. But that's another blog for another night.
12/15/2011
12/04/2011
Is It Possible?
Do you think it's possible to find someone over the internet completely haphazardly? Or rather, have someone find you?
Who seems genuinely interested in you.
Who shares a lot of common interests but is different enough to keep it interesting.
Who is smart enough but not so smart that he is socially stunted.
Who is super cute and consistently tells you that you are super cute.
Who lives half a world away but stays up until 2 a.m. his time to have conversations with you.
I've never even heard his voice. We both have indicated we like each other, but we know a sea separates us. He wants me to stop by to say hi and go hang out while I'm in Dublin for spring break. But I'm hesitant. That's an awful long way to go for a boy, and this trip to Dublin is supposed to be about me being okay with me.
I'd feel like an idiot not to go say hi and see what it would be like if we were together in person. He's in England, and I'd literally be an hour away. And it's not like I haven't tried to find someone around here. Every weekend, two nights a week, I'm doing something, putting myself out there, meeting boys, and making friends but there are just no sparks. None.
But him, there's sparks. It's such a peculiar situation.
Is it possible God might use the internet to bring someone into your life? At this point, I'm open for whatever God wants to send my way. But I keep asking myself is this possible?
11/26/2011
11/06/2011
I might be having a quarter life crisis.
Things are changing, again. And drastically.
I don't know if I can accurately explain it to anyone. But I'll certainly try.
For the longest time, my fear was being alone. Alone in life. Alone in death. Before I had cats to sleep in the bed with me, I slept with stuffed animals in my living room on my couch with the television on because it was so painful to go to sleep by myself. Because I would just lie there awake and think, "I'm in this apartment alone. If I died alone, no one would notice for a couple of days, probably. And I'm not even sure there would be someone waiting on me on the other side." Now, I have the reassurance of Christ's love, but at the time, I didn't. I never slept. It was terrifying.
I thought I needed to have it all. And do it by twenty-five. Or else I was a failure. I thought I needed a man, two kids, a house with an SUV, and a flat screen TV, a dog, some cats, an advanced degree, and a prestigious job. The South is really good at putting that idea into your head, the needing a man bit, that is. I can thank my family, though they had the best of intentions, for the rest of it.
I've played by society's rules, done everything right, and I feel like I've turned up empty handed. I've lived for everyone else. I've fulfilled my parents wishes and dreams for me, society's prescribed notions of what a young, ambitious, smart woman should do, but it hasn't made me happy.
This past weekend, I went to a teacher's conference, and as I sat there doodling on the power point slide handout of statistics of education in the state of Mississippi, I felt like I was in high school again. And I realized that I don't give a crap about anything that I was there to learn about. I'm just doing a job to get a check. And that small, little girl's voice came back to me. And I realize, I haven't changed one bit. I've always known who I am, but I just switched it up to please everyone else. I'm such a good, obedient creature, and I just want someone to be proud of me. I'd do anything to get that approval. And when I couldn't or didn't get it from my parents, I'd look to whatever boy I was dating. And I wish I hadn't. Because that small, shy girl from high school, she's still there. Waiting. And now I know, the only person I need to be proud of me is Jesus. He's the only person's approval that I really need. He's the only one I really want to impress.
I'm still young enough that I can make a big move, a big, big change and get away with it. And I'm not attached with a husband or kids or a mortgage, so I'm pretty mobile. And if I had thought about doing this last year at this time, I would have been terrified because I know I have self-esteem issues. But now, after looking at all the things I've done by myself just through hard work and perseverance, I know I can do this on my own, especially now that I have guidance from God and that I have the firm belief that He is backing me. Independent is never a word I would have used to describe myself, but now days, I think it's quite apt.
Sitting there doodling, feeling like I was a kid in high school again, all the dreams I had came flooding back to me. I wanted to write books. I wanted to start a band. I wanted to live in a big city. I wanted to travel the world. I didn't want to go to college. I wanted to backpack across Europe for a year because I was a year ahead of schedule. My parents wouldn't let me though. Moreover, when I was interviewed for the yearbook about what I would be when I grew up, the person automatically assumed I wanted to be a teacher. My response was "Hell, no. You couldn't pay me enough to be a teacher." And now look at me.
I feel like I haven't gotten a steady job because God knows this is not what my heart wants. He knows this is not where I want nor need to be. Heathcliff dumping me was one of the worst things to have ever happened to me. It essentially broke me and my spirit, but I have become so much better off for it. I can't help but wonder if this was God's plan all along. To break me down to build me up to make something more beautiful, more durable, more independent, more confident.
And so I'm taking the first steps. I'm applying for jobs in Nashville, Boston, and New York. I'm planning a spring break trip to Dublin, going all by myself. I'm not worried about getting a boyfriend or getting married anytime soon, or at all even. I'm going to bookstores alone and reading books, even if I get a plethora of questions from the woman in her mid-forties sitting next to me (true story there, folks).
And granted it's still all very scary for me, I'm confident as long as I keep living for Jesus and my Catholic faith, I'll be well-guided, provided for, and loved. And that's really all I need. Anything else is just a bonus.
I don't know if I can accurately explain it to anyone. But I'll certainly try.
For the longest time, my fear was being alone. Alone in life. Alone in death. Before I had cats to sleep in the bed with me, I slept with stuffed animals in my living room on my couch with the television on because it was so painful to go to sleep by myself. Because I would just lie there awake and think, "I'm in this apartment alone. If I died alone, no one would notice for a couple of days, probably. And I'm not even sure there would be someone waiting on me on the other side." Now, I have the reassurance of Christ's love, but at the time, I didn't. I never slept. It was terrifying.
I thought I needed to have it all. And do it by twenty-five. Or else I was a failure. I thought I needed a man, two kids, a house with an SUV, and a flat screen TV, a dog, some cats, an advanced degree, and a prestigious job. The South is really good at putting that idea into your head, the needing a man bit, that is. I can thank my family, though they had the best of intentions, for the rest of it.
I've played by society's rules, done everything right, and I feel like I've turned up empty handed. I've lived for everyone else. I've fulfilled my parents wishes and dreams for me, society's prescribed notions of what a young, ambitious, smart woman should do, but it hasn't made me happy.
This past weekend, I went to a teacher's conference, and as I sat there doodling on the power point slide handout of statistics of education in the state of Mississippi, I felt like I was in high school again. And I realized that I don't give a crap about anything that I was there to learn about. I'm just doing a job to get a check. And that small, little girl's voice came back to me. And I realize, I haven't changed one bit. I've always known who I am, but I just switched it up to please everyone else. I'm such a good, obedient creature, and I just want someone to be proud of me. I'd do anything to get that approval. And when I couldn't or didn't get it from my parents, I'd look to whatever boy I was dating. And I wish I hadn't. Because that small, shy girl from high school, she's still there. Waiting. And now I know, the only person I need to be proud of me is Jesus. He's the only person's approval that I really need. He's the only one I really want to impress.
I'm still young enough that I can make a big move, a big, big change and get away with it. And I'm not attached with a husband or kids or a mortgage, so I'm pretty mobile. And if I had thought about doing this last year at this time, I would have been terrified because I know I have self-esteem issues. But now, after looking at all the things I've done by myself just through hard work and perseverance, I know I can do this on my own, especially now that I have guidance from God and that I have the firm belief that He is backing me. Independent is never a word I would have used to describe myself, but now days, I think it's quite apt.
Sitting there doodling, feeling like I was a kid in high school again, all the dreams I had came flooding back to me. I wanted to write books. I wanted to start a band. I wanted to live in a big city. I wanted to travel the world. I didn't want to go to college. I wanted to backpack across Europe for a year because I was a year ahead of schedule. My parents wouldn't let me though. Moreover, when I was interviewed for the yearbook about what I would be when I grew up, the person automatically assumed I wanted to be a teacher. My response was "Hell, no. You couldn't pay me enough to be a teacher." And now look at me.
I feel like I haven't gotten a steady job because God knows this is not what my heart wants. He knows this is not where I want nor need to be. Heathcliff dumping me was one of the worst things to have ever happened to me. It essentially broke me and my spirit, but I have become so much better off for it. I can't help but wonder if this was God's plan all along. To break me down to build me up to make something more beautiful, more durable, more independent, more confident.
And so I'm taking the first steps. I'm applying for jobs in Nashville, Boston, and New York. I'm planning a spring break trip to Dublin, going all by myself. I'm not worried about getting a boyfriend or getting married anytime soon, or at all even. I'm going to bookstores alone and reading books, even if I get a plethora of questions from the woman in her mid-forties sitting next to me (true story there, folks).
And granted it's still all very scary for me, I'm confident as long as I keep living for Jesus and my Catholic faith, I'll be well-guided, provided for, and loved. And that's really all I need. Anything else is just a bonus.
11/01/2011
Verbatim
Oh me.
Lots going on lately, including three girls trying to fight me and a friend of mine over old drama in a McDonald's at 2:00 a.m. on a Saturday morning. No seriously. I just laughed in their faces. (Don't ask what I was doing at McD's at 2:00 a.m. Okay, we had been drinking, but we were eating and sobering up).
Anyway, I got a job tutoring at the YMCA after school, and I get to be around little, little ones from Kindergarten to fifth graders and they are too, too much fun. Doesn't matter how awful a day I have at work, Tuesday is now the highlight of my week getting to talk to them. Here's some of the stuff they say:
1st grade boy: Miss D., let me touch yo' hair.
Me: Why?
Him: That's gotta be weave.
Me: Nope. It's my real hair.
Him: Let me touch it. I know weave when I feel it.
Me: Okay fine.
Him: You right. That ain't no weave. Dang you got some long hair!
4th grade girl: Miss D., take off yo glasses.
Me: I can't. I need them to see.
Her: You mean they ain't fo' looks?
Me: Nope. Blind as a bat without them.
Her: Well, take them off anyway.
Me: Ok.
Her: Ooooh, Miss D, you so much prettier without yo glasses. You must want to look like a nerd!
And this last one is slightly different from the fb post, so read it again for an even bigger laugh.
Me: looking at a picture of some cute boy on facebook after we had gotten done doing homework and were playing.
First grader: Miss D., is that your boyfriend?
Me: Nope.
First grader: You wish he was your boyfriend.
Me: Hahahaha. (Secretly thinking yes). But he's in London, England.
First grader: England?!? Where's that?!!?
Me: Here. I'll show you on a map.
First grader: Miss Doherty! That's too far away! How are you supposed to hold hands?!?
Me: I don't know. But I can't find any boys around here who like me.
First grader: It's not that hard. I can find you a boyfriend.
Me: You can?!? I can't find one. Where can I find a boyfriend?
First grader: At Wal-Mart. Or K-Mart. They're everywhere. What color do you like? I mean, do you have a color preference or you like all of them?
Me: *falls out laughing*
Lots going on lately, including three girls trying to fight me and a friend of mine over old drama in a McDonald's at 2:00 a.m. on a Saturday morning. No seriously. I just laughed in their faces. (Don't ask what I was doing at McD's at 2:00 a.m. Okay, we had been drinking, but we were eating and sobering up).
Anyway, I got a job tutoring at the YMCA after school, and I get to be around little, little ones from Kindergarten to fifth graders and they are too, too much fun. Doesn't matter how awful a day I have at work, Tuesday is now the highlight of my week getting to talk to them. Here's some of the stuff they say:
1st grade boy: Miss D., let me touch yo' hair.
Me: Why?
Him: That's gotta be weave.
Me: Nope. It's my real hair.
Him: Let me touch it. I know weave when I feel it.
Me: Okay fine.
Him: You right. That ain't no weave. Dang you got some long hair!
4th grade girl: Miss D., take off yo glasses.
Me: I can't. I need them to see.
Her: You mean they ain't fo' looks?
Me: Nope. Blind as a bat without them.
Her: Well, take them off anyway.
Me: Ok.
Her: Ooooh, Miss D, you so much prettier without yo glasses. You must want to look like a nerd!
And this last one is slightly different from the fb post, so read it again for an even bigger laugh.
Me: looking at a picture of some cute boy on facebook after we had gotten done doing homework and were playing.
First grader: Miss D., is that your boyfriend?
Me: Nope.
First grader: You wish he was your boyfriend.
Me: Hahahaha. (Secretly thinking yes). But he's in London, England.
First grader: England?!? Where's that?!!?
Me: Here. I'll show you on a map.
First grader: Miss Doherty! That's too far away! How are you supposed to hold hands?!?
Me: I don't know. But I can't find any boys around here who like me.
First grader: It's not that hard. I can find you a boyfriend.
Me: You can?!? I can't find one. Where can I find a boyfriend?
First grader: At Wal-Mart. Or K-Mart. They're everywhere. What color do you like? I mean, do you have a color preference or you like all of them?
Me: *falls out laughing*
10/13/2011
The General State of Veronica (1)
This is going to be quick takes style. Because I'm lazy.
1.
I like Muse. I did not know I liked Muse. I like the fact that I like Muse and a boy didn't tell me I should like Muse.
Every day I'm alone, it seems more and more like a blessing because I realize I know myself no better than I did when I was sixteen. I just became every boy I dated. I'm basically going through my adolescence ten years later. So I'm really not looking but open to the possibility of a guy. But really, I think even if I liked a boy right now, I could care less because I like getting to know myself.
2.
I got a job tutoring 1-5 graders at the YMCA. It's a sweet gig. We did double dutch today. Extra cash is going to savings and the travel fund.
3.
Speaking of traveling, I'm going traveling. I'm thinking London and Dublin for St. Paddy's Day. Alone. I think it would be very therapeutic for me. And I know I said it before (or at least I think I did), but I'm serious. I've started filling out passport paper work and looking into tickets and places to stay. I need to see the world. It's something I've wanted to do since I was young, but my parents blocked me from doing so or money prohibited me from it. There's no reason why I can't now, so I am while I am single and don't have a family to worry about, I'm doing it.
Before I ever dated any boys, it's all I wanted to do. In high school, I begged to be an exchange student. When I graduated high school, I didn't want to to go college; I wanted to back pack through Europe. It's why I studied the French language because traveling was a required component. And then I liked boys who also studied French and went to France without me and came back with French girlfriends, and I just separated myself from traveling because I associated it with no good heart breaking boys. But being alone has shown me, that it's always been Veronica who wants to travel. And so I think I should.
4.
I've talked to Ireland. He really doesn't believe he did anything wrong and is completely oblivious to my side of the story. But we're on general talking terms. I actually talked to him for about thirty minutes tonight at Books A Million. How strange that I meet up with him after I stop caring about his attention. I know it's weird, but I think we'll be friends if I can bury the hatchet, which I'll try because that's the mature Catholic thing to do, right? (And obviously, I'm NOT getting involved with him romantically EVER again).
5.
I don't know where God wants me right now, but I'm pretty sure I'm not getting a job around here because I'm not supposed to be around here. I don't know where I need to be, but I'm looking. I applying everywhere and anywhere. And I'm just totally open to all the possibilities.
6.
I missed Heathcliff's birthday. Or rather, I didn't know if I should say anything. We had a short exchange a while back through e-mail, and his reply was very curt. I assumed that meant he doesn't even care to keep up as civil acquaintances. So I kept quiet. I think it's probably best this way as much as I hate for it to be like that because I get the feeling that's the way he likes it.
7.
I'm just totally open to life right now. I've just had this attitude of "OK God, surprise me with something today." And it's working. I don't know what's in store for me, but I'm trusting Him, and I have a feeling it's something really big just right around the corner. I dunno what else, but that's just the vibe I get. For the first time in a long time, I'm hopeful.
10/04/2011
Have you heard about the new miracle?
Have you heard?
They found heart muscle in a Host.
This both amazes and terrifies me.
Amazing because it is tangible.
Terrifying because it is tangible.
Heart Muscle Found in Host
Update on general state of V. to come soon.
They found heart muscle in a Host.
This both amazes and terrifies me.
Amazing because it is tangible.
Terrifying because it is tangible.
Heart Muscle Found in Host
Update on general state of V. to come soon.
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