I went for a check up at the doctor to review how well the depression medication has been working. (And for the most part, it has been working quite well, actually. So if you notice more pep in my step that's why). Unfortunately, it seems that what I most feared him saying is exactly what he said:
Chronic Clinical Depression
It runs in the women in my family. I had hoped by some weird genetic thing it would skip me altogether, but I guess not.
And I had it in my head that if I went on medication for it, I would somehow be acknowledging to the world that I am crazy even though I had a roommate who studied psychology and had explained it like so: "You take care of your physical health and your spiritual health, so why not your mental health?"
And even still, I had another friend who explained it as such: "If you have a stomach ache, you take a pill to make it go away. So it's the same thing. Your heart aches, so you take a pill to make it go away."
And to some extent, it is true. But I still have my days. For example, the other day, Heathcliff's mom e-mailed me to express how upset she was that I wasn't around for Easter (which I completely don't understand because she is pagan-primitive Baptist [odd, yes, but it's true]). Of course, that set me off. All I wanted to do was to crawl into bed, turn the lights off, and stare at the wall for the entire day.
But this is a lesson I learned this past Lent - and oddly enough, it started with a church sign. Every time I go by a church sign, I like to read the pithy little sayings. There's one on the way to work. And about the start of Lent, it read, "happiness is a choice." I scoffed at it, but for some reason, it stuck in my head, and every morning I passed by it, I read it and read it again. And I really began to wonder if happiness was truly a choice. I mean, after all, I believe in freewill - I am a Catholic.
And then, everywhere I went, I began to hear that phrase repeated without even bringing it up. A friend I hadn't seen in five years told me upon hanging out with me, "Happiness is a choice." When I first started hanging out with Ireland, the subject came up, and he even said, "happiness is a choice." Everywhere I freaking turned, it was as if God was beating me over the head with this message.
For the entirety of Lent, I feel like this is what I was supposed to have learned. Happiness truly is a choice. Of course, there will be things to make you sad, but you can't let the sadness dominate you to where it sucks all the joy from your life. I had let the depression overtake almost all of my life, even to the point where I got no joy from going to mass. It had almost become a chore. After being on the medicine, I'm more than happy to go to mass on Sunday and weekdays if I have the time.
All in all, I guess what I'm saying is that I know God gives everyone what they can handle. And so far in my life, I really didn't feel like I had any crosses. But I feel like this is my cross to bear. My hardship to offer up. My suffering to join to His. And I will choose to be happy with the circumstances I'm dealt, and when I can't handle it and want to be sad, I will offer it up to Him.
Glory and praise to you Lord Jesus Christ. Your will be done.
4/26/2011
4/22/2011
Quick Takes (Good Friday Style)
1.
I think I've learned some good lessons lately, the first being to be thankful for the gift of life. I feel like I've been living in black and white, sort of just droning on and on, and all the sudden, I hit Oz, and everything became technicolor.
2.
The second lesson seems to be is that I need to work on having patience. It not easy because I'm horribly impatient.
3.
The third lesson is the importance of free will. I get to make the choice of what I want every day. Now, I really think I'm beginning to understand of what it means to do God's will, even if it's not your own.
4.
My car broke down today, so no Good Friday mass for me. :( It's one of my favorites to attend. But I did get to eat supper with my parents. I am also driving a HUGE truck now. I look funny in it.
5.
The end of the school year is fast approaching. I have six classes worth of exams to start giving in the next two weeks. Not fun. I will probably be radio silent for a quite a bit.
6.
I might be moving to Columbus. I've said for a good while now that I feel like I've outgrown Starkville, and lately, most aspects of my life seem to be pulling me towards Columbus. Nothing is final yet, but I am seriously considering it.
7.
Ireland brought me roses. For no reason. None at all. Just because he could. I really like that boy.
4/13/2011
Why now?
I should be grading, but my head and heart are completely somewhere else right now.
Namely, on that boy, Ireland.
Obviously, I really like him. And contrary to other boys I've dated, I can actually name qualities about him that I really, really like. This is rare for me. I usually can't name specifics about why I like a boy; normally, I just say, "I just do."
But not with him. Nope. I mean, sure, there are the superficial things like his blue eyes or his smile or his geeky dress, but there are other things as well, like the way he laughs when he gets super tickled at something funny or the confused expression he'll make when he's trying hard to understand something and completely thinks his face looks dead even. I've never been able to say specific things such as those that I like about a boy before. . .
What I don't understand is this: why now?
Why now when everyone (who is not Catholic) around me is saying "BE SINGLE OR ELSE."
Why now just a little over a month after a failed two year engagement?
Why now after I'm spent and burned out on love and really have no energy to give of myself?
Why now when I decide to give up relationships for Lent, does a boy that I really like get dropped right into my lap? Is this some sort of test? Resist temptation and be rewarded? But God doesn't do that, right? Because that just seems a bit cruel...
I have my theory, which is that we basically need each other right now. He's going through a bit of a tough time and is a lapsed cradle Catholic. I think he needs someone strong in faith to hold his hand as he goes through this. And I'm the worst about saving myself for myself, but if I care enough, I'll try to save someone else (which in turn, can help you save yourself - if that makes any sense).
On the other hand, I need someone to hold my hand just as much. He's gone through a bout of clinical depression and also knows what it is like to deal with an anxiety disorder. So when I say, "I need to leave the grocery store, it's making me uncomfortable," or, "today is a bad day. I just can't convince myself to get out of the bed," he completely understands, but he also helps me deal with it.
Moreover, we're both twenty five and in very similar predicaments. He has no idea what he wants to do with his life, all of his friends are married or marrying, moved or moving, or having children, and he feels left in the dust. I feel the exact same way. Once upon a time, I thought I would be a writer and teach until I got that as a full time gig. Now, I really have no idea if that is what I want at all! Plus, it's nice being able to confide in someone without being accused of being jealous of married people.
So, in one way, I'm completely head over heels. My heart is trying to throw reason under the bus. But then my pragmatic side says:
1. He's a lapsed Catholic. You can't get too attached to him because you really can't get serious.
2. You don't know if he would be a good father.
3. You've known him a month.
4. You may like him so much just because he's not Heathcliff.
5. You may be rebounding.
And the thing is, I like him so much, I'm willing to back off for a bit and really think this out! I'm terrified I'm going to screw this up somehow! That's how much of a good feeling I have about this...
I really feel like I'm over thinking things. But faith and reason should be able to work together right? How do you balance the two?
I really just want to bang my head on the wall...
Any suggestions for Saints to petition are always welcomed.
Less than 3,
V.
Namely, on that boy, Ireland.
Obviously, I really like him. And contrary to other boys I've dated, I can actually name qualities about him that I really, really like. This is rare for me. I usually can't name specifics about why I like a boy; normally, I just say, "I just do."
But not with him. Nope. I mean, sure, there are the superficial things like his blue eyes or his smile or his geeky dress, but there are other things as well, like the way he laughs when he gets super tickled at something funny or the confused expression he'll make when he's trying hard to understand something and completely thinks his face looks dead even. I've never been able to say specific things such as those that I like about a boy before. . .
What I don't understand is this: why now?
Why now when everyone (who is not Catholic) around me is saying "BE SINGLE OR ELSE."
Why now just a little over a month after a failed two year engagement?
Why now after I'm spent and burned out on love and really have no energy to give of myself?
Why now when I decide to give up relationships for Lent, does a boy that I really like get dropped right into my lap? Is this some sort of test? Resist temptation and be rewarded? But God doesn't do that, right? Because that just seems a bit cruel...
I have my theory, which is that we basically need each other right now. He's going through a bit of a tough time and is a lapsed cradle Catholic. I think he needs someone strong in faith to hold his hand as he goes through this. And I'm the worst about saving myself for myself, but if I care enough, I'll try to save someone else (which in turn, can help you save yourself - if that makes any sense).
On the other hand, I need someone to hold my hand just as much. He's gone through a bout of clinical depression and also knows what it is like to deal with an anxiety disorder. So when I say, "I need to leave the grocery store, it's making me uncomfortable," or, "today is a bad day. I just can't convince myself to get out of the bed," he completely understands, but he also helps me deal with it.
Moreover, we're both twenty five and in very similar predicaments. He has no idea what he wants to do with his life, all of his friends are married or marrying, moved or moving, or having children, and he feels left in the dust. I feel the exact same way. Once upon a time, I thought I would be a writer and teach until I got that as a full time gig. Now, I really have no idea if that is what I want at all! Plus, it's nice being able to confide in someone without being accused of being jealous of married people.
So, in one way, I'm completely head over heels. My heart is trying to throw reason under the bus. But then my pragmatic side says:
1. He's a lapsed Catholic. You can't get too attached to him because you really can't get serious.
2. You don't know if he would be a good father.
3. You've known him a month.
4. You may like him so much just because he's not Heathcliff.
5. You may be rebounding.
And the thing is, I like him so much, I'm willing to back off for a bit and really think this out! I'm terrified I'm going to screw this up somehow! That's how much of a good feeling I have about this...
I really feel like I'm over thinking things. But faith and reason should be able to work together right? How do you balance the two?
I really just want to bang my head on the wall...
Any suggestions for Saints to petition are always welcomed.
Less than 3,
V.
4/12/2011
(A Belated) Weekend Highlights (From Two Weeks Ago)
V: *looking at the gps and pressing the breaks*
Ireland: Whoa, whoa, whoa, sweetie!
V: What? *stops just in front of car ahead of us*
Ireland: Oh, you see that car. Ok. Well, I'm not embarrassed at all now.
V: For what? Being a backseat driver?
Ireland: No, for what I just called you.
__________________________________
Ireland: Do you drink?
V. Occasionally. I get tipsy easily. And if I drink till I'm tipsy, then I don't count my drinks and get drunk. And it's a sin to get drunk! So I don't drink that much.
Ireland: I don't have that problem. I never get drunk. It must be the Irish because I have to drink like ten drinks before I feel anything!
V. Seriously?!?! That's almost a superpower.
Ireland: That's a lame superpower! How am I supposed to save the world with that?
__________________________________
V. : Sometimes, I dumb myself down around people to fit in. A lot of guys have problems with me because I've got two degrees. I like book stores, and I like books. So, I'm not pointing out all these books I've read to be bragging. I just don't want you to think I'm flaunting it in your face.
Ireland: It doesn't bother me. Let me show you something. *drags V. to the comic book section*
Read it, own it, own it, own it, read it, own it....
V. : I haven't read any of these.
Ireland: Exactly. But this is what I'm educated about. You like books, I like comic books. We're even. And no it doesn't bother me that you're smart. So don't change.
___________________________________
V. : Oh gosh, it's so nice to find someone who has all the same interests and a similar sense of humor! I've learned to really scale my nerdyness back to fit in.
Ireland: *leaning in across the table and whispering* Don't hold back. Talk nerdy to me!
V. : Ahahaha, that's so cheesy, but I love it!
___________________________________
Store Clerk: Do you need any help?
V.: Oh, no thank you, but thank you!
Store Clerk: By the way, I like your style.
V.: OH! Thanks!
Ireland: You know, I was going to jump in and but then I saw how excited you were about that compliment, and I said, no, let her have her moment. She looks so proud.
And there are a few more moments, but those I'll keep to myself.
Less than three,
V.
Ireland: Whoa, whoa, whoa, sweetie!
V: What? *stops just in front of car ahead of us*
Ireland: Oh, you see that car. Ok. Well, I'm not embarrassed at all now.
V: For what? Being a backseat driver?
Ireland: No, for what I just called you.
__________________________________
Ireland: Do you drink?
V. Occasionally. I get tipsy easily. And if I drink till I'm tipsy, then I don't count my drinks and get drunk. And it's a sin to get drunk! So I don't drink that much.
Ireland: I don't have that problem. I never get drunk. It must be the Irish because I have to drink like ten drinks before I feel anything!
V. Seriously?!?! That's almost a superpower.
Ireland: That's a lame superpower! How am I supposed to save the world with that?
__________________________________
V. : Sometimes, I dumb myself down around people to fit in. A lot of guys have problems with me because I've got two degrees. I like book stores, and I like books. So, I'm not pointing out all these books I've read to be bragging. I just don't want you to think I'm flaunting it in your face.
Ireland: It doesn't bother me. Let me show you something. *drags V. to the comic book section*
Read it, own it, own it, own it, read it, own it....
V. : I haven't read any of these.
Ireland: Exactly. But this is what I'm educated about. You like books, I like comic books. We're even. And no it doesn't bother me that you're smart. So don't change.
___________________________________
V. : Oh gosh, it's so nice to find someone who has all the same interests and a similar sense of humor! I've learned to really scale my nerdyness back to fit in.
Ireland: *leaning in across the table and whispering* Don't hold back. Talk nerdy to me!
V. : Ahahaha, that's so cheesy, but I love it!
___________________________________
Store Clerk: Do you need any help?
V.: Oh, no thank you, but thank you!
Store Clerk: By the way, I like your style.
V.: OH! Thanks!
Ireland: You know, I was going to jump in and but then I saw how excited you were about that compliment, and I said, no, let her have her moment. She looks so proud.
And there are a few more moments, but those I'll keep to myself.
Less than three,
V.
4/02/2011
Fish Friday
Good grief. I just got in from hanging out with Ireland.
We had dinner at 5:15.
5:15! And I got in at 1:00!!!
And all we did was talk. We have so much in common. Not just superficial stuff, but stuff stuff.
And he said grace before eating!
And dear goodness he makes me laugh, so hard.
And I can make him laugh. That's rare. I very rarely make boys laugh, but he thinks I'm funny.
And to think, he just landed right into my lap. Like, seriously, this was an effortless sort of "hey, here's this guy. Meet him."
Like I said, I'm not holding my breath, but I have a really good feeling about this one. But I'm proceeding with caution and asking the Lord for guidance in discernment.
God is so good.
Glory and Praise to You, Lord Jesus Christ. Your will be done.
We had dinner at 5:15.
5:15! And I got in at 1:00!!!
And all we did was talk. We have so much in common. Not just superficial stuff, but stuff stuff.
And he said grace before eating!
And dear goodness he makes me laugh, so hard.
And I can make him laugh. That's rare. I very rarely make boys laugh, but he thinks I'm funny.
And to think, he just landed right into my lap. Like, seriously, this was an effortless sort of "hey, here's this guy. Meet him."
Like I said, I'm not holding my breath, but I have a really good feeling about this one. But I'm proceeding with caution and asking the Lord for guidance in discernment.
God is so good.
Glory and Praise to You, Lord Jesus Christ. Your will be done.
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