Why now?

I should be grading, but my head and heart are completely somewhere else right now.

Namely, on that boy, Ireland.

Obviously, I really like him. And contrary to other boys I've dated, I can actually name qualities about him that I really, really like.  This is rare for me. I usually can't name specifics about why I like a boy; normally, I just say, "I just do."

But not with him. Nope.  I mean, sure, there are the superficial things like his blue eyes or his smile or his geeky dress, but there are other things as well, like the way he laughs when he gets super tickled at something funny or the confused expression he'll make when he's trying hard to understand something and completely thinks his face looks dead even.  I've never been able to say specific things such as those that I like about a boy before. . .

What I don't understand is this: why now?

Why now when everyone (who is not Catholic) around me is saying "BE SINGLE OR ELSE."

Why now just a little over a month after a failed two year engagement?

Why now after I'm spent and burned out on love and really have no energy to give of myself?

Why now when I decide to give up relationships for Lent, does a boy that I really like get dropped right into my lap? Is this some sort of test? Resist temptation and be rewarded? But God doesn't do that, right?  Because that just seems a bit cruel...

I have my theory, which is that we basically need each other right now.  He's going through a bit of a tough time and is a lapsed cradle Catholic. I think he needs someone strong in faith to hold his hand as he goes through this. And I'm the worst about saving myself for myself, but if I care enough, I'll try to save someone else (which in turn, can help you save yourself - if that makes any sense).

On the other hand, I need someone to hold my hand just as much.  He's gone through a bout of clinical depression and also knows what it is like to deal with an anxiety disorder. So when I say, "I need to leave the grocery store, it's making me uncomfortable," or, "today is a bad day. I just can't convince myself to get out of the bed," he completely understands, but he also helps me deal with it.

Moreover, we're both twenty five and in very similar predicaments. He has no idea what he wants to do with his life, all of his friends are married or marrying, moved or moving, or having children, and he feels left in the dust. I feel the exact same way. Once upon a time, I thought I would be a writer and teach until I got that as a full time gig.  Now, I really have no idea if that is what I want at all! Plus, it's nice being able to confide in someone without being accused of being jealous of married people.

So, in one way, I'm completely head over heels. My heart is trying to throw reason under the bus.  But then my pragmatic side says:

1. He's a lapsed Catholic. You can't get too attached to him because you really can't get serious.
2. You don't know if he would be a good father.
3. You've known him a month.
4. You may like him so much just because he's not Heathcliff.
5. You may be rebounding.

And the thing is, I like him so much, I'm willing to back off for a bit and really think this out! I'm terrified I'm going to screw this up somehow! That's how much of a good feeling I have about this...

I really feel like I'm over thinking things. But faith and reason should be able to work together right? How do you balance the two?

I really just want to bang my head on the wall...

Any suggestions for Saints to petition are always welcomed.

Less than 3,

V.