Desert Unicorn Prayers

Today, I went all dolled up to mass. In the pouring rain no less.  I went because I find myself doing better when I receive communion more often than not, but I must admit, I did have an ulterior motive.

Cute (devout) Catholic boys would probably be there.

And so off I go in makeup and hair and cute casual outfit, and I'll be darned if the priest was the only male there. That would be my luck.  Apparently, in Mississippi, a cute, not-lapsed, devout Catholic boy is like a unicorn: it's magical and beautiful and NON-EXISTENT. (And mass only lasted fifteen minutes. No lie. Fifteen minutes! Is that even allowed?!)

Then again, I've really been trying to quiet my mind and filter out all the noise in my life lately. I've been trying to find my desert. I can't say I've for sure found it yet, but I think I'm getting there. And while on my way,  it seems I've just picked up on a few things. I can't really explain them; they aren't feelings or thoughts, it's more just like it was knowledge just presented to me, and I just trust it.  They are as follows:

As much as I want to be married, I'm not ready.  How can I be ready to marry someone when I'm not even sure who I am? But everyday I'm single, I find out a bit more about myself. I grow a bit more as a Catholic girl.  If I allow God to help me make the best version of me, I'll be better for my husband if and when that time comes.

On a similar note, it seems that just knowing he's the one is a supernatural gift from God. Worrying about it is useless.  Worrying is a man's way of trying to affect a situation for the outcome he desires. Worrying is essentially a distrust in God. Faith, on the other hand, accepts this supernatural gift and follows through on it.  Now I really get why people used to frequently refer to marriage as a "leap of faith."  It is completely an act of faith to believe that God has picked out a certain person for you and then marry that person.

I've really, really struggled in my prayer life since becoming Catholic. I always feel like my prayers are useless, ill-worded, and just plain not good enough. I never know what to say, and there's only so many rote prayers you can say before you're just going through the motions. I'm glad to have encountered the message that prayer is learned quite a few places this week. I'm still working on it, but I'm trying.

Not only that, but Jesus knows our hearts, and He loves us. I know that sometimes, when you love someone dearly, you can just be in the same room with him and know exactly what he is feeling and thinking.  Imagine that brought to perfection! Maybe this is part of what contemplation is - being content of sitting in the same room with someone who loves you more than you know, more than you can imagine.  Someone who just wants to sit in silence with you, who doesn't even need you to speak to express your desires.  Someone who knows your desires before you even realized you wanted that desire for yourself. Jesus can do these things for us if only we would let him, if only we would learn how.

Less than 3,
V.