The Invisible Illness

I feel like I should go around and apologize to everyone. 

I've missed a few doses of my medicine these past few days, and I have been losing sleep grading papers, and I haven't been eating because I've been stressed out about the job interview.  

These are all classic symptoms of depression, but what they don't tell you, or rather what they should stress more in those lame "feeling blue" commercials, is that it is absolutely vital to keep your physical body in tip top condition lest your serotonin imbalance become even worse to where medicine is not even effective. 

Needless to say, I had a major meltdown at work when a student reported me to my boss's boss without approaching me with her concerns first.

Even worse, I went all I-hate-the-world-I-might-as-well-jump-off-a-cliff-because-my-life-has-no-meaning on everyone who talked to me that day.  Trust me, you ever catch me in one of those moods, I promise, it's not you. It's most definitely me. I'm probably tired, cranky, hungry, stressed, and depressed, and you just need to give me a big hug and feed me and let me sleep.

And so I did. A friend took me out for a steak, I had a nice cry, I slept a good eight hours, I took a nice long bath, I exercised a bit, and I relaxed with some Netflix. 

Right before I logged off for the night, though, a friend made this post that is making its rounds on facebook:

YOU DON'T LOOK SICK!!! No I don't. It's hard to explain to someone when they have no clue. It's a daily struggle feeling sick on the inside while you look fine on the outside. Please put this as your status for at least 1 hour if you or someone you know has an invisible illness (Anxiety, Bipolar, Depression , Diabetes, LUPUS, RA, Fibromyalga, Crohns, Arthritis, etc..) Never judge what you don't understand.

It is hard for people to understand what depression and anxiety are like. It's hard for me to describe. It's like no matter what you say or do, you can't convince me that someone is not out to do me wrong or that something bad is not going to happen. If something bad or unwanted does happen, all I can do is think about it. And I'll replay the situation over and over and over again in my head. It's hard to explain that even though you know in your head that you're a fun person to be around, in your heart, you feel so worthless that you don't want to be social. A panic attack feels like you're drowning in air, and your heart could fly out of your chest at any given second. And what is really hard is for people to understand that even though you look fine, some days are good, and some days are bad. You can't just tell people, "oh my depression is flaring up again." They think you take a pill and are done with it, but it's a daily struggle. 

I guess all of this is to say I know this is my cross, and I've accepted that, and I would almost even say I'm happy to do it for the Lord. But I know I could be better about offering up my daily sufferings. And I know I could pray more for those like me who suffer from both depression and anxiety.  

Lord, if it is your will, heal those who silently suffer. If not, we pray that their suffering may serve You and Your Kingdom.