Life On Standby

I'm lost. Not in that I'm-going-to-lose-my-faith sorta way; I think I was too well-catechized for that. But I'm at a loss about what to do about my current state in life.

In May, I will have been graduated from grad school for four years. Four years of part time jobs. Four years of living check to check. Four years of promises of full time work and benefits, only to be let down again and again.

Moreover, teaching has lost its luster. I became a teacher out of necessity, but I was also once bright-eyed enough to believe I could change hearts and minds.  But the way the system works, it doesn't happen. When I realized I value teaching as a job the same as my other part-time jobs, it just became clear. I could care less whether I stay in this career or not. It's just money. And I don't really care about money, so long as I have enough to live comfortably (which I realize is asking a lot these days). What I really care about is connecting with people, especially kids. I can't tell you how many times at the Y I look at some of my after school kids and realize, "they just want attention. they just want someone to be happy for them and with them." And when their parents walk in, I realize why -they just aren't getting it at home.

And in the back of my mind I keep feeling that voice - "but what about the missions? what about the orphans who have no parents, who don't even have after school caregivers to hug them? what of these children?"

It terrifies me to leave home. And I do consider this place my home now.  In fact, the other day when I thought I would have to leave for the summer because I couldn't afford to stay here, I cried and cried and cried. My friends are here. My family visits me enough. And I like my youth group that I work with. And it's a big thing for me to say I feel like a place is home because I've been such a transient soul all my life, and my parents were such nomads when I was younger. And I think that says something, for me to call a place home.

So, if I'm not a teacher, then what? If I am still hesitant to go on the missions, then what? I just have no clue what I'm doing. Everything is up in the air. And it's been that way since 2009. And I'm fine just kind of floating along, but some direction would be nice after four years of floating.

How do you find it though? And not to mention, the whole idea of I really do believe that I'm called to marriage as opposed to religious life. That means my primary vocation is in complete limbo because it depends upon my Mr. Right waltzing into my life (or me asking him to waltz with me). So I'm basically just filling up my time with my secondary vocation until then, right? In turn, that makes me second guess my past decisions about previous boys. That maybe I missed my chance, and I'm going to be alone for quite a bit because of bad and misguided decisions. Or maybe that's just nostalgic thinking, but I know looking back for too long doesn't do me any favors.

Prolonged adolescence is what it boils down to, which is becoming more and more common for my generation. For the most part, it just feels like my life is on standby. Doesn't mean I'm not enjoying myself though.