Today marks a month since my dad died.
I'm not sure exactly where I stand. Some days it's okay, and some days, it's like a sucker punch to the stomach all over gain, this weird panicked feeling like the world is falling away from underneath your feet.
Also a confession: I haven't been to mass in a month. The first Sunday it was my dad's funeral, the second Sunday I was home with my mother who was recovering from knee surgery, the third sunday I was too depressed, and yesterday, I was too tired. The sad part: I haven't missed going to mass. I get nothing from it anymore. I don't even bother listening to the priest's homilies because they are so unsound at times...I usually just say a rosary. Even worse in my opinion - no one has noticed I've been missing.
Not only that, but I'm really struggling to stay Catholic or even care about being Catholic these days. It's hard to be Catholic when you don't much care for your parish or when you don't have a good Catholic support system around you. It would be so much easier to leave and just be protestant or nothing at all.
I can see how most cradle Catholics lapse so easily. Unfortunately for me, I was catechized too well for that.
I guess I'm not mad at God, but sorely disappointed at the hand I've been given, and I don't really feel like worshipping and following someone who has given me such sorrows the past few years. And quite frankly, I don't feel like talking with Him, much less loving him right now.
But He's a big God, right? He was once human right? So He can take it till I sort myself out. Or do something to show me He still loves me because right now, it doesn't feel much like anything.
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Veronica, this sucks. It just does and your feelings about this particular time in your life are legitimate. But even now, even more so now, you need Christ and His sacraments.
ReplyDeleteBe honest with Him, as you are, about your feelings and make Him "sort you out."
This post may be of some help to you, and especially the writings of Mother Teresa in Come Be My Light. She even wrote this:
"[I have] this terrible sense of loss, this untold darkness, this loneliness, this continual longing for God, which gives me that pain deep down in my heart. Darkness is such that I really do not see, neither with my mind nor with my reason. The place of God in my soul is blank. There is no God in me. When the pain of longing is so great I just long and long for God and then it is that I feel He does not want me, He is not there…Sometimes I just hear my own heart cry out ‘My God’ and nothing else comes. The torture and pain I can’t explain."
You are not alone, even if you feel it is so.
This is the post I meant to leave you.
ReplyDeletehttp://www.conversiondiary.com/2009/07/9-tips-for-spiritual-dry-spells.html
Praying for you right now. All I can say is I pray that you cling to the sacraments and find some peace. Call me sometime---I can come to Columbus!
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