Seven Quick Takes

1.

I'm officially past the weepy stage thanks to google. I'm trying not to get angry.  I'm trying to give the benefit of the doubt to him, but I find myself in a situation where it is very hard to do that. Just remember kiddos, EVERYTHING you say or do leaves a footprint on the 'net and can be traced.  That is why I approach the internet with such anonymity. 

2. 

The boy is sooooo tall now.  We used to be dead even.  I now have to look up to him. This makes me giggle.  He also makes some killer chocolate truffles. 

3.

Shopping in Memphis with my family was fun. I've lost ten pounds, so here's to some new clothes and losing ten more.

4.

I once read that when you make a good decision, God gives you clarity.  I have so much clarity right now that it's not even funny.  I can 100% say that I am at peace with happened.  Not happy yet, but that will take some time.  But I'm definitely okay with it.

5.

I think for the first time in my Catholic life, I will have a whole laundry list of things to take to confession. I'm kinda excited by this? Maybe? Maybe not?

6.

There's a little boy from my hometown who got kicked in his face by a horse. Please pray for him.

7.

Show tonight! And I do believe I'm going so I can sleep in tomorrow morning and then go to Tupelo for confession tomorrow afternoon.

Between the Sacred and Secular

I find myself walking a thin tightrope between the sacred and secular right now.

People on my left, people from my home, from my past, from pre-baptism are saying:

Go out! Drink yourself drunk! Indulge! Eat what you want! Wear what you want! Show that boy what he's missing. 

People on my right, people from church, from my inner circle, from after baptism are saying:

Pray. We're praying for you. Offer it up. 


Pray for me, please. I feel myself stumbling, but I haven't quite fallen yet. Part of it's due to the fact that I feel like I've had the carpet stolen out from under my feet. Heathcliff was my Godfather. I feel like he was my base. And I'm rebuilding. The other part is that I just want to give in. It's easier to just give in.

Father's homily this morning was comforting. That acronym, HALT...Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired...

I am all those things right now.  


Hungry for love. For romantic love. For holding hands, butterflies, hugs that last a moment too long, kisses. I haven't been held or kissed or touched hands with a boy for probably over two years. I just don't want someone to tell he loves me, I want them to show it. 


Angry at Heathcliff. I think I'm transitioning from over the sad part (except the occasional sulk) into anger. This is his fault. He quit. And led me on. For years. What a waste. 


Lonely. I'm bad lonely. All my friends my age or older are married with children. (No offense!) The people I have to hang out with are younger by at least a couple of years.  I fit in because I look young enough and use a cell phone for everything but phone calls, but I can't help but feel like I'm a little out of place, like I'm a little too serious. And I never feel any lonelier than when I'm lonely in a crowded room. 


Tired from a relationship.  I'm spent, burned out. I couldn't love a boy (like he should be loved) even if I wanted to right now.  I can barely find the strength in me to do an adequate job at teaching. And when you're tired, it is always easier to let go and give in and give up than to fight when there's no fight left. And I have no fight left.


And so I know I'm vulnerable. But knowing that you're vulnerable is half the battle right?


And I'm pleading for your prayers. Like I said, I feel myself slipping. And I can see what father was talking about this morning.  This weekend, while clothes shopping, I was picking out cute, but not showy tops. And literally, some random lady commented to me (and only me) "Life is too short. Show what you got while you can girl. I wasted my life being too conservative." I've always tried to dress modestly, and I couldn't help but think those words could have come straight from the Devil's mouth (not calling that woman personally the Devil). It was an extremely odd experience.


But that boy from home. He makes me laugh, and he's terribly sweet. He makes me smile, and he makes me happy. And I couldn't help but think to myself, "He'd make such a great convert." I think that's worth pursuing, if and when the time comes.  Until then, I'll keep going to shows, having a good time, and keeping myself in line. Temperance, right? Temperance.

O Blessed St. Dwynwen, you who knew pain and peace, division and reconciliation, you have promised to aid lovers and you watch over those whose hearts have been broken. As you received three boons from an Angel, intercede for me to receive three blessings; to obtain my heart's desire * my special intention *  or, if that is not God's will, a speedy healing from my pain; your guidance and assistance, that I may find love with the right person, at the right time, and in the right way; and an unshakeable faith in the boundless kindness and wisdom of God. And this I ask in the name of Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen.


Christ have mercy on me, a sinner. 


Less than 3, 
V. 

Seven Quick Takes (Single Style)

1. 

I'm manic. One minute I'm fine, happy, and laughing, telling myself that I'm better off, and the next I'm a sobbing mess who can't finish her sentences without choking on her tears. This is not fun.

2. 

I still don't understand the reasons. I got every trite, cliched movie line pulled on me. We're better as friends than a couple. It's not you, it's me. I just don't want to be in a relationship right now. I proposed because I felt pressure by my parents to do it. I really have no idea why we broke up.

3. 

Though after all this, I realized we probably would have failed pre-cana horribly.

4. 

I feel like I wasted three good years of my life. WASTE-ED. I mean honestly, how do you date as a single Catholic? Do you? I feel like you can't.  Because if your casual dates don't lead anywhere near marriage, then you should part ways. Because good Catholics who have a strong indication that their vocation is marriage should date with the intention of marriage, right?

5. 

If possible, I think I might get a job and get out of the state.

6. 

But since I can't immediately get out of the state, I'm going home.  A place I haven't stayed any length of time for over 7 years.

7. 

I called up an old friend, a boy. I'm going to see his band while I'm home. He was so happy to hear from me and has such a positive outlook on life in general.  He talked to me about technology and didn't force conversational topics and let the conversation come naturally.  He didn't complain about the use of the word "like." I told him he was like a little ball of sunshine he was so freakin' happy.

And I wondered to myself, after being with Heathcliff for so long and seeing how in shock I am to talk someone like this, is this what I've been missing? How could I forget that most people are happy on a daily basis?

Single Catholic Girl...

Seeks patron saint of broken engagements and broken hearts.

I've tried to find one, but it seems there are plenty of patrons for lovers, but none specifically for a broken engagement or a broken heart. Although, I have been pointed to St. Valentine, St. Raphael, and St. Dwynwen. I know Mary is there for me, and of course, nobody has more of a broken heart than Our Lord Jesus Christ. But I still would like a particular saint to petition.

Also, give me all your prayer requests because I've got a lot of suffering to offer up right now, and I probably will have the ability to offer up my suffering for a while.

Moreover, if you could pray for me that I stay on the straight and narrow as far as Catholicism is concerned, I'd appreciate it.  After all, this is completely new for me. I've never been single AND Catholic. And if or when I start dating again, it's going to be completely different, and quite frankly, I find it a terrifying thought.

Less than 3,

V.

Marriage: Not for Warm Fuzzies, Money, or Sex

It has come to my attention lately that I still have very much to learn about myself in relation to the new ideas I adopted upon entering the Catholic faith.  Mainly, I think I've been poorly prepared for marriage. After all, in the culture I grew up in, marriage is what you did when you got the warm fuzzies in your stomach or got pregnant or wanted to have society-sanctioned sex. In fact, the advice given to me by several women was, "don't marry for looks or love; marry for money and the others will come after." To look back on that, those are ill-advised reasons to get married. But in my defense, until recently, I'd never known a couple who didn't get married for those reasons.

In the almost year Heathcliff and I have had to be apart, it has become strikingly clear to me that though I am not a terrible Catholic (I don't drink myself silly, still attend mass every Sunday, and seem to find my way to confession on a regular basis), I am a better Catholic when I am surrounded by better Catholics. In other words, I need examples of people to inspire me, and I need to aspire to be better. God doesn't want a half-hearted love; He's all in or nothing.  I do better as a Catholic with Heathcliff around.

Moreover, I've realized that marriage is such a service.  For the rest of your life, you are tied to your husband.  Meaning, all of your heart, all of the time, in every way possible.  You can change, but you can't quit because you've changed. You have to adapt and keep going. You can't say you give up just because you're burned out; you have to keep giving even when you don't want to give anymore. And truly, I see how this mirror's God's love for us, and to me, it's almost unfathomable that any couple takes on the notion that they can do this. Nothing in this mortal world lasts - nothing.  To say that you can do something for-ev-er seems like sheer idiocy... (please note: I'm not calling married couple idiots; I'm just saying that this line of reasoning goes against good logic).

In fact, I'm willing to bet that any good Catholic couple doesn't whole-heartedly believe they can take on marriage just by themselves. They've got to know that they must ask God for help to sustain their marriage because without that, my guess would be that a divorce (if it were possible in the Catholic church) is sure to happen.

Even at that, I've stumbled across several blogs that detail problems with couples practicing NFP, how when kids enter the equation everything can get out of sync and go awry, about how some men struggle with pornography and masturbation, and about having communication problems in general.  So while you may ask God for help in your marriage, there's still the very real possibility that if you are asking for help, there are most certainly going to be struggles. It's not like if you ask God for help, He's going to wave a magic hand and make all the problems disappear like a fairy godmother in a fairy tale would. No, He's going to let you struggle and figure it out.

And so here I sit pondering the Disneyfied-happily-ever-after-love I've been told about and desired for so long vs. Godly love and what that means for marriage and what that means for me as a Catholic.

It's quite daunting. Terrifying, really. And breathtaking in the same moment.

And perhaps this is why I'm not married yet and have seemingly had every stumbling block put in my path to marriage. I still have so much to learn about my faith.  But I know, now more than ever before, why I think I'm better suited for marriage than a non-religious life.

Not for warm fuzzies. Not for the rush. Not for the money. Not for the sex. Not for the idealized perfect love that will never have a struggle.

Just a life of selfless serving mirroring God's own love for us, and a partner helping me earn my way to heaven.

To all of you doing this already, I have so much respect for you, and you're in my prayers because even though I don't truly know, I know it can't be easy.

And if you would, remember kindly in your prayers those of us pondering marriage. I think most of us have no inkling of an idea what we're getting ourselves into until we're already married.

Less than 3,

V.

Seven Quick Takes

1.
I'm being a bad girl tonight and making pizza. Along with said pizza, I am going to drink a beer. Probably my first beer (alone) in quite some time. Heathcliff did convince me whilst he was here to partake in one with him.

2.
How the heck am I just now discovering Copeland?!?!  Seriously, where was I???  Oh that's right, I stopped listening to music because most of it is crap.

3.
My cat licked my butter bar while I was making a grilled cheese.  Thank you cat, you have now made 1/4 of a bar of butter uneatable. At least I know that you won't have hair ball problems anytime soon.

4.
I'm getting really stressed out.  Mid-terms are quickly approaching, and I feel like I'm way behind, though I'm about right on schedule.  It's just I received everyone's first essays this week. Ack! We have:
1 online class @ 11 = 11
1 online class @ 8  = 8
3 in person classes @ 58
A grand total of 77 essays that need to be graded within the next week and that number doesn't include
all the late stragglers.

5.
For Lent, I think I have decided to go completely meatless (because I still occasionally eat chicken. Mostly I eat meat when Heathcliff is around because I don't think he really cares for meatless dishes). On Fridays, I will give up alcohol to replace the meat fast. It's a test run to see if I'm called to vegetarianism.  Or not. More on this later.

6.
I get paid a week from Monday.  I will do a happy bootay dance that day.  Probably all day.  Feel free to come watch.

7.
If ever you are in need of a good clean laugh that you can share not only with other adults but with your kids as well, check out Homestar Runner.  It was meant to be a kid's book.  Sadly, it was never published (if I recall correctly). So the owners turned it into a kid's website, which, oddly enough, became more popular with adults than kids. But you can still enjoy it with your kids. :D

Fulfilling a Promise - Thanks St. Expeditus

I have a special place in my heart for Saint - but - not - officially - endorsed - Saints.  I don't know why really; perhaps I think they are more relatable on some level.

My patron, Saint Veronica, isn't on the calendar because her story is based in legend and tradition.
I'm also fond of Saint Christopher with all the back and forth I do between work, my family, and seeing Joshua.  Only recently was Saint Christopher removed from the calendar for the same reasons Saint Veronica was - his story is also based on legend and tradition.

I also have a special place in my heart for the not - so - well - known - or loved Saints. It seems you always hear of Saint Anthony or Saint Christopher or Saint Therese.  I recently needed help because I knew I was completely at a loss on my own.   Suffice it to say, I've gone two months with out a paycheck, and I was under the impression I would be getting paid February 1st.  And then I was told I wouldn't be getting my first paycheck until March 1st.  I had used my savings to live off of for January, so I did not know what to do or how to come up with money for rent, groceries, and gas for February. And then I did the only thing I could think to do. I hit up the Saints.

Of course I went straight to St. Jude because I was desperate and my situation just seemed hopeless.  Heathcliff is on the same pay schedule as I am, and just yesterday, I had called my mother about my car problems, and she told me they really didn't have any money to spare at that point.  All in all, it seemed silly to me to ask St. Jude for help with money because when I think of St. Jude, I think of incurable cancer prayers or prayers to save a life that seems like it can't be saved.  And prayers like that need more space in heaven than prayers for money.  Regardless, I tossed it out there.

Still, I didn't feel good about the situation. So what's a millennial generation gal to do? Google.  And here I found St. Expeditus.

Saint Expeditus is not an official Saint, and the poor guy has a bit of a sordid history.  A primer: Supposedly a martyr in Rome, his name actually seems to be Elpidius, but the person copying down names of remains got it wrong along with several other martyrs who accompanied Elipidius.  Originally, he was invoked against procrastination, which is why you see him standing on top of a crow.  In Italian, a crow is often associate with "tomorrow" because the "caw-caw" onomatopoeia is a lot like "cras cras" which is Latin for "tomorrow."  Thus, he's normally depicted as standing on top of a crow with a banner that reads "Cras," and the banner Expeditus holds or is around him reads "Hodie" or Latin for "Today." 

Legend has it that some nuns received a package marked "expedite."  When the nuns opened the package, they found the remains of a martyr, and they mistakenly took his name to be "Expedite" which they then Latinized to Expeditus. From this, many people began to have fun with the name and invoke Elipdius for quick and speedy answers and prompt deliveries of packages.  However, if you do a bit of research, it seems that this story has holes poked in it pretty easily, but I still like it. 

From there, it seems his patronage grew, but unfortunately, he became popular among voodoo and hoodoo-ists, and they adopted him for their own reasons, causing some Catholics to shy away from him. 

After reading about him, though, I really liked him.  I'm the worst about procrastinating.  In fact, I've got a few things I could be doing now, but I'm not because I decided I could do them later (because that's how we phlegmatics roll).  He also seems to have a cult following among computer programmers, who essentially, but not always, are nerds.  I am, unfortunately, a nerd.  (Many people aren't probably aware of how nerdy I am.  Just ask Heathcliff.  He has to hear all the time about the science of theoretical time travel and why hot water makes ice quicker). So, I said a prayer to him as well.

Within three days, all my money problems disappeared.  All the bills are paid, I still have my apartment, the kitties are fed, and I have plenty of gas and groceries.  I have no extra money to do extra things, like go out to eat or buy birthday presents, but I have just enough to survive on, and that's all I could ask for, and I'm incredibly grateful to both Jesus and to Expeditus for helping my prayer be heard quickly.  

Supposedly, if you invoke St. Expeditus, he asks that you advertise your patronage of him somewhere very public.  (Probably because of all the bad press he gets for being involuntarily associated with voodoo).  So please, if you like to procrastinate or if you need a quick solution to a problem or if you'd like your package delivered promptly, ask St. Expeditus for his help. 

Linkage! 

Saint Expidite.org

Catholic.org Entry

SQPN Entry

General Overview Page with Prayers

Less than 3,

V. 

P.S. I found the random saint generator via much linkage which eventually led me to Conversion Diary.

I got Saint Paul the Hermit.  Seriously? He seems more like a Saint for Heathcliff... Then again, he is patron saint of the clothing industry, and I did work in the clothing industry for a long time. My first instinct is to associate him with my desire to dress modest but remain cute and fashionable at the same time.  I don't know about this...