When you have a parent die, it is indescribable. You go through these roller coaster of emotions. At first, it's like a thrill ride, constantly up and down, and eventually, after a while, it all slows down. The ups and downs are still there, just simply more spaced out.
One thing that has occurred to throughout all of this is that I never knew what kind of man my father was until his passing. Over 500 (500!) people came to his funeral. It was standing room only. All because at some point or another, he had carried them to work, bought them a meal, been a good boss or a friendly neighbor...just an all around good ol' boy always willing to lend a hand. He also had no problem putting people in their place if they weren't doing right by others. I might have been able to say I'm pretty sure my dad was a good man while he was alive, but now that he's gone, I can definitely say he was a good man.
And then it occurred to me. It was the same with Jesus. People could say while he was alive, "we're pretty sure He's the messiah" but after His death and resurrection, people could definitely say "HE IS the messiah."
Not saying my dad was like Jesus, I'm just drawing the parallel that it was only in death, each man's life got definition. And maybe that is what death is, that last judgement, that ending point that gives each of our lives meaning. We'll spend our whole lives trying to figure out who we are and who God wants us to be only to know at the moment of death.
That's really the first time I've contemplated God or something spiritual in the past three months.
I'm still upset and disappointed at Him. I've been known to be a little begrudging, and surely God knew something like this was going to make me a spiritual zombie. I know it can't be healthy, but work out your salvation with fear and trembling, right?
9/25/2012
9/06/2012
An Open Letter to My Future Husband
I've been reading a lot of self-help single Catholic gal books, specifically, this one.
My dear husband,
I feel like I get to know you more every day, even though I've never met you. Is that weird? Is this how it's supposed to work? I feel like by going on all these bad dates and learning what kind of person I am, I am somehow learning who you are too.
You'll be smart, intelligent, and witty. You like studying and will know I'm smart and like good, interesting conversation, but you'll also realize that I don't much care to make myself an academic, though you might be one yourself. You'll respect this difference. In fact, you'll even like it and welcome it.
You'll be polite and hold open doors for me, even though I can hold them open for myself and will let me do it for myself when I want. You'll acknowledge my independent streak, but you'll know when I want and need help.
You'll be my sunshine. You'll remind me of how good my life is even when I think the world is going to Hell in a hand basket, especially if I'm going through a bout of depression. You'll realize I'm a tad bit dramatic at times about life because of my condition, but you'll know how to deal with me in patience and love.
You'll be holy, and you'll hold me accountable for praying every day, and you will hold my hand during mass. We'll talk about things we read or see or hear, and we'll grow in our faith together.
You are who I want. You are who I dream of. You are the one I am waiting for. And sometimes, when I think about that, it makes me cry, that I already love you so much, but I don't even know you.
I love you, and I'm waiting for you. Come find me.
-V.
And one thing I read that really helps is the idea of writing letters to my future husband, even though I may or may not have met him. I like the idea of all of them piling up and handing them to him on our wedding day before the ceremony just to show him how ardently, how truly, I have loved him and how long I've waited. So I've been writing. I'm not going to share every letter, but this is one I decided I would.
My dear husband,
I feel like I get to know you more every day, even though I've never met you. Is that weird? Is this how it's supposed to work? I feel like by going on all these bad dates and learning what kind of person I am, I am somehow learning who you are too.
You'll be smart, intelligent, and witty. You like studying and will know I'm smart and like good, interesting conversation, but you'll also realize that I don't much care to make myself an academic, though you might be one yourself. You'll respect this difference. In fact, you'll even like it and welcome it.
You'll be polite and hold open doors for me, even though I can hold them open for myself and will let me do it for myself when I want. You'll acknowledge my independent streak, but you'll know when I want and need help.
You'll be my sunshine. You'll remind me of how good my life is even when I think the world is going to Hell in a hand basket, especially if I'm going through a bout of depression. You'll realize I'm a tad bit dramatic at times about life because of my condition, but you'll know how to deal with me in patience and love.
You'll be holy, and you'll hold me accountable for praying every day, and you will hold my hand during mass. We'll talk about things we read or see or hear, and we'll grow in our faith together.
You are who I want. You are who I dream of. You are the one I am waiting for. And sometimes, when I think about that, it makes me cry, that I already love you so much, but I don't even know you.
I love you, and I'm waiting for you. Come find me.
-V.
9/04/2012
(I just can't keep) Hanging On
Sometimes, I write stuff.
And then I delete it.
And then re-write it.
And then I finally just think to myself, "Darling, you are absolutely mental."
And then I post I video that sums up how I really feel.
Because I'm too ashamed to talk about specifics, so I'll only speak vaguely.
Because this shouldn't bother me, but it does.
So there.
8/30/2012
Birthday Birthday
What a weird birthday.
Usually, I rejoice in the fact of my getting a year older, but this year, I just haven't really cared or been that excited by it.
I mean, I have a lot of good things going on in my life right now.
I have a job I love. I have a boy I really like, who actually wants to attend mass with me to learn about the Church. I have good friends and family supporting me all around.
But I still have a lot of sadness. I think today it finally sank in that my dad is gone. For the longest time, it's just felt like he's not available - like work made him travel to Australia or Germany again, and he just hasn't been able to talk to me. But he always, always, calls me for my birthday. And he couldn't today. And he won't. And I think maybe that's the moment that I realized he's really gone.
I've been looking for some consolation in all of this, and I think I've finally come to realize that I appreciate the man my father was for me, and I want to marry someone just like him. Someone who loved his wife, even in her eccentricities, loved his children, and wanted to be their rock and their provider. Someone who always brought flowers and chocolate to all of the women on Valentine's Day, who always put up the Christmas tree with his children, who flew kites every May, who reprimanded us when necessary, but above all, did all of these things with love for those he loved.
I think I've been searching for that kind of love my entire life, and I feel a little bit like Dorothy. My heart's desire been in my own front yard this entire time, and I never really realized it until it was gone. And I know God has that kind of love too; I just wish I could feel it a bit more these days.
Usually, I rejoice in the fact of my getting a year older, but this year, I just haven't really cared or been that excited by it.
I mean, I have a lot of good things going on in my life right now.
I have a job I love. I have a boy I really like, who actually wants to attend mass with me to learn about the Church. I have good friends and family supporting me all around.
But I still have a lot of sadness. I think today it finally sank in that my dad is gone. For the longest time, it's just felt like he's not available - like work made him travel to Australia or Germany again, and he just hasn't been able to talk to me. But he always, always, calls me for my birthday. And he couldn't today. And he won't. And I think maybe that's the moment that I realized he's really gone.
I've been looking for some consolation in all of this, and I think I've finally come to realize that I appreciate the man my father was for me, and I want to marry someone just like him. Someone who loved his wife, even in her eccentricities, loved his children, and wanted to be their rock and their provider. Someone who always brought flowers and chocolate to all of the women on Valentine's Day, who always put up the Christmas tree with his children, who flew kites every May, who reprimanded us when necessary, but above all, did all of these things with love for those he loved.
I think I've been searching for that kind of love my entire life, and I feel a little bit like Dorothy. My heart's desire been in my own front yard this entire time, and I never really realized it until it was gone. And I know God has that kind of love too; I just wish I could feel it a bit more these days.
8/19/2012
NFP vs. The Pill: The Difference? - With Pictures!
So all's well that's going well in the dating arena of my life until this past Friday.
Rewind a bit - I've recently met a guy who seems to be the total package - smart, funny, great smile, studying for his PhD, genuine and honest. He lost his mom six years ago, and he's only a few months older than me. He is protestant, but claims no denomination, prefers churches that give the Lord's supper frequently, and is open to learning about the Catholic church and dating a Catholic girl, which he's never done before. In fact, he's looking to find a new church home because this current one isn't doing anything for him. It's been going well, to say the least, but then, we've only known each other for a month.
By no means was it a bad time. In fact, I had a really, really good time. We watched some movies, played some video games, and he made me dinner. (That hasn't been done for me in a long, long time). While he cooked, we talked, and we talked through dinner too. It's never awkward.
Until we started talking about how much we don't like politics. Until the Catholic thing came up in connection with that. Until he asked about the Catholic views on morality and sex and birth control. And he grilled me. Right there on the spot. Generally, I tried to avoid this topic as long as possible, but inevitably, it always rears its ugly head.
Sad to say, I think he about crapped his pants when I said "I don't use birth control." And then I had to clarify - not the pill, not the condom, not the shot - nothing. And then I proceeded to tell him how embarrassing it is to have to admit to a priest, let alone God, that you've been having sex outside of marriage, and that I didn't have sex (or haven't had sex) in the past four - going on five- years. I think I sent the poor boy into shock.
But he did keep asking questions - what do you do to control your birth rate? How is NFP different from birth control? Does this mean you should have eighteen kids even if you can't afford it?
And I realized, as a single Catholic gal, I can't answer these questions. I can't really explain what NFP is and differentiate it from the rhythm method or what makes it better than using a birth control pill. I felt so silly sitting there saying, "Oh, I don't have sex, and I can tell you why, but I have no idea how to get through a marriage having sex and still being faithful to the Church and God." I also feel like he needs to see a typical Catholic family in action. I think that would help a lot because I think when I told him all this he automatically thought "The Duggars."
Normally, if a guy posed this question and seemed to frown upon my answer, I'm gone. I say thanks for your time, it's been fun, but we're not for each other. But he said something the other night that makes me hopeful. He said that he prays about us nightly. I don't think that even Heathcliff did that (he might have prayed about what to do about us, but I don't think he ever really prayed about the relationship). He said that he was well aware that there would be some disparity between us, but he feels such a good connection with me that he felt the need to take it to God in prayer. Isn't this what all the self-help single Catholic girl books preach? Isn't this the kinda man that, as a single girl, you want to pursue?
So ladies, if you have any advice, please comment. We're going to see each other again Thursday, and I'd like to be more articulately able to explain the Church's position should the need arise.
Rewind a bit - I've recently met a guy who seems to be the total package - smart, funny, great smile, studying for his PhD, genuine and honest. He lost his mom six years ago, and he's only a few months older than me. He is protestant, but claims no denomination, prefers churches that give the Lord's supper frequently, and is open to learning about the Catholic church and dating a Catholic girl, which he's never done before. In fact, he's looking to find a new church home because this current one isn't doing anything for him. It's been going well, to say the least, but then, we've only known each other for a month.
 |
| Catholic girls. Stereotyped forever thanks to Hollywood and Britney Spears. |
By no means was it a bad time. In fact, I had a really, really good time. We watched some movies, played some video games, and he made me dinner. (That hasn't been done for me in a long, long time). While he cooked, we talked, and we talked through dinner too. It's never awkward.
Until we started talking about how much we don't like politics. Until the Catholic thing came up in connection with that. Until he asked about the Catholic views on morality and sex and birth control. And he grilled me. Right there on the spot. Generally, I tried to avoid this topic as long as possible, but inevitably, it always rears its ugly head.
Sad to say, I think he about crapped his pants when I said "I don't use birth control." And then I had to clarify - not the pill, not the condom, not the shot - nothing. And then I proceeded to tell him how embarrassing it is to have to admit to a priest, let alone God, that you've been having sex outside of marriage, and that I didn't have sex (or haven't had sex) in the past four - going on five- years. I think I sent the poor boy into shock.
 |
| One challenge you won't conquer. Ever. Unless you marry me. #putaringonit |
But he did keep asking questions - what do you do to control your birth rate? How is NFP different from birth control? Does this mean you should have eighteen kids even if you can't afford it?
And I realized, as a single Catholic gal, I can't answer these questions. I can't really explain what NFP is and differentiate it from the rhythm method or what makes it better than using a birth control pill. I felt so silly sitting there saying, "Oh, I don't have sex, and I can tell you why, but I have no idea how to get through a marriage having sex and still being faithful to the Church and God." I also feel like he needs to see a typical Catholic family in action. I think that would help a lot because I think when I told him all this he automatically thought "The Duggars."
 |
| Good on the Duggars, but that life is not for me. |
Normally, if a guy posed this question and seemed to frown upon my answer, I'm gone. I say thanks for your time, it's been fun, but we're not for each other. But he said something the other night that makes me hopeful. He said that he prays about us nightly. I don't think that even Heathcliff did that (he might have prayed about what to do about us, but I don't think he ever really prayed about the relationship). He said that he was well aware that there would be some disparity between us, but he feels such a good connection with me that he felt the need to take it to God in prayer. Isn't this what all the self-help single Catholic girl books preach? Isn't this the kinda man that, as a single girl, you want to pursue?
So ladies, if you have any advice, please comment. We're going to see each other again Thursday, and I'd like to be more articulately able to explain the Church's position should the need arise.
8/17/2012
Friday Quick Takes
1.
I was offered another full time teaching position, and I decided not to take it and stay with Estee Lauder. I told God I needed a huge sign to know I was making the right decision, and I feel like I got it in the form of my new boss. She's in the position I would like to eventually be promoted to. She got her Master's in English, taught for four years, joined Estee Lauder, andnow she is an executive for the company, and she's just in her mid thirties. And her mother just died. It's creepy how similar we are. Moreover, our account executive came through the other day and said she was highly impressed with me and asked me "how mobile I was and what I wanted from Estee Lauder." She hinted that I would be looking at a promotion within the next year. Plus, when I think about going back to teaching, I want to throw up. But staying at Estee Lauder makes me feel peaceful, so I think that answers the question.
2.
The only mass that was offered on the Feast of the Assumption was at 8:00, which I, with I'm sure several other people, couldn't attend because we were at work, and father wouldn't offer a 5:30 mass. Not a happy camper about it.
3.
I've met someone that I actually really, really like. We have a lot of superficial stuff in common, but we also have some more substantial things in common too. He's protestant, but "really wishes we could all be under the same umbrella. Just Christians, no division," and only likes going to churches that offer the Lord's supper frequently. I have hope for this one. Normally with boys, I'm usually hopeful for about a week or two, then skeptical, then bored or scared. This one, though, I have hope. and I'm almost willing to brave a full on relationship again because of it. Almost.
4.
Fall weather, where are you? I'm ready for cardigans and sweaters.
5.
My birthday is in less than two weeks. It'll be the first time my Dad won't call me at some outrageous hour and then ask me how old I am, and then say, "No really, is that how old you are now?" I couldn't ever really tell if he was joking with me or actually forgot.
6.
Hair ties are the best thing ever. They hold your hair, but don't put that gross crease in it.
7.
Pray for me please. I still can't seem to get myself back to mass. I literally had a panic attack walking up to the doors for the Feast of the Assumption. I'm really trying, though. God knows I'm trying.
8/06/2012
One Month Down. The Rest of My Life to Go.
Today marks a month since my dad died.
I'm not sure exactly where I stand. Some days it's okay, and some days, it's like a sucker punch to the stomach all over gain, this weird panicked feeling like the world is falling away from underneath your feet.
Also a confession: I haven't been to mass in a month. The first Sunday it was my dad's funeral, the second Sunday I was home with my mother who was recovering from knee surgery, the third sunday I was too depressed, and yesterday, I was too tired. The sad part: I haven't missed going to mass. I get nothing from it anymore. I don't even bother listening to the priest's homilies because they are so unsound at times...I usually just say a rosary. Even worse in my opinion - no one has noticed I've been missing.
Not only that, but I'm really struggling to stay Catholic or even care about being Catholic these days. It's hard to be Catholic when you don't much care for your parish or when you don't have a good Catholic support system around you. It would be so much easier to leave and just be protestant or nothing at all.
I can see how most cradle Catholics lapse so easily. Unfortunately for me, I was catechized too well for that.
I guess I'm not mad at God, but sorely disappointed at the hand I've been given, and I don't really feel like worshipping and following someone who has given me such sorrows the past few years. And quite frankly, I don't feel like talking with Him, much less loving him right now.
But He's a big God, right? He was once human right? So He can take it till I sort myself out. Or do something to show me He still loves me because right now, it doesn't feel much like anything.
I'm not sure exactly where I stand. Some days it's okay, and some days, it's like a sucker punch to the stomach all over gain, this weird panicked feeling like the world is falling away from underneath your feet.
Also a confession: I haven't been to mass in a month. The first Sunday it was my dad's funeral, the second Sunday I was home with my mother who was recovering from knee surgery, the third sunday I was too depressed, and yesterday, I was too tired. The sad part: I haven't missed going to mass. I get nothing from it anymore. I don't even bother listening to the priest's homilies because they are so unsound at times...I usually just say a rosary. Even worse in my opinion - no one has noticed I've been missing.
Not only that, but I'm really struggling to stay Catholic or even care about being Catholic these days. It's hard to be Catholic when you don't much care for your parish or when you don't have a good Catholic support system around you. It would be so much easier to leave and just be protestant or nothing at all.
I can see how most cradle Catholics lapse so easily. Unfortunately for me, I was catechized too well for that.
I guess I'm not mad at God, but sorely disappointed at the hand I've been given, and I don't really feel like worshipping and following someone who has given me such sorrows the past few years. And quite frankly, I don't feel like talking with Him, much less loving him right now.
But He's a big God, right? He was once human right? So He can take it till I sort myself out. Or do something to show me He still loves me because right now, it doesn't feel much like anything.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
