Sunday, Sunday

Ahhh!

Roller coaster of emotions here.

First, the interview went well. I'm not going to say I have the job, but I think I have a good chance. But I've arrived at the fact that I'll be okay one way or the other.

I didn't have the gas to drive to mass in Starkville today (can someone please recap me on the adult catechism class?), so I walked to Annunciation instead.

There are both good things and bad things.

The good: the music is beautiful, and the cantors are great.
The bad: We didn't sing the Gloria. Who doesn't sing the Gloria?!?!

The good: People are quiet before mass.
The bad: When you enter, instead of dipping your fingers in the Holy Water font, everyone takes a host (with a pair of tongs, no less) and tosses it in a bowl of holy water. *shudders* There is something very wrong to me about moving a host around with tongs and my hands touching those tongs not being a priest. So much so with my happy chemicals all out of whack, I started tearing up as I found a seat in the pews.  My question is this a normal practice or is this atypical?

The good: People go and pray before the tabernacle before mass.
The bad: The tabernacle is behind an alcove and not dead and center.

The good: The altar servers are seemingly well-trained.
The bad: One of them repeatedly dropped the altar linens.  I'm going to chalk it up to nervousness.

And lastly, are extraordinary ministers allowed to pour the precious Blood into the chalices? Because they certainly did today, and it kinda horrified me. I feel like that part of the preparation should be left to the priest.

And now, for the fun part:

This middle-aged woman had been staring me down all mass and made me feel really uncomfortable.  On my way walking back to the apartment, she stopped to ask me if I was new, how serious of a Catholic I was, how old I was, where I was from, and what I did for a living, and could I please pray for her sons because she can't get them to mass but she'd really like for us to meet. I had a nice chat with her, and she said she looked forward to seeing me at mass more often.

I looked them up on facebook; one's two years older, and the other is two years younger. And they are both CUTE.  Who knows - maybe they'll come to mass soon.

Thanks Be To God! 

The Invisible Illness

I feel like I should go around and apologize to everyone. 

I've missed a few doses of my medicine these past few days, and I have been losing sleep grading papers, and I haven't been eating because I've been stressed out about the job interview.  

These are all classic symptoms of depression, but what they don't tell you, or rather what they should stress more in those lame "feeling blue" commercials, is that it is absolutely vital to keep your physical body in tip top condition lest your serotonin imbalance become even worse to where medicine is not even effective. 

Needless to say, I had a major meltdown at work when a student reported me to my boss's boss without approaching me with her concerns first.

Even worse, I went all I-hate-the-world-I-might-as-well-jump-off-a-cliff-because-my-life-has-no-meaning on everyone who talked to me that day.  Trust me, you ever catch me in one of those moods, I promise, it's not you. It's most definitely me. I'm probably tired, cranky, hungry, stressed, and depressed, and you just need to give me a big hug and feed me and let me sleep.

And so I did. A friend took me out for a steak, I had a nice cry, I slept a good eight hours, I took a nice long bath, I exercised a bit, and I relaxed with some Netflix. 

Right before I logged off for the night, though, a friend made this post that is making its rounds on facebook:

YOU DON'T LOOK SICK!!! No I don't. It's hard to explain to someone when they have no clue. It's a daily struggle feeling sick on the inside while you look fine on the outside. Please put this as your status for at least 1 hour if you or someone you know has an invisible illness (Anxiety, Bipolar, Depression , Diabetes, LUPUS, RA, Fibromyalga, Crohns, Arthritis, etc..) Never judge what you don't understand.

It is hard for people to understand what depression and anxiety are like. It's hard for me to describe. It's like no matter what you say or do, you can't convince me that someone is not out to do me wrong or that something bad is not going to happen. If something bad or unwanted does happen, all I can do is think about it. And I'll replay the situation over and over and over again in my head. It's hard to explain that even though you know in your head that you're a fun person to be around, in your heart, you feel so worthless that you don't want to be social. A panic attack feels like you're drowning in air, and your heart could fly out of your chest at any given second. And what is really hard is for people to understand that even though you look fine, some days are good, and some days are bad. You can't just tell people, "oh my depression is flaring up again." They think you take a pill and are done with it, but it's a daily struggle. 

I guess all of this is to say I know this is my cross, and I've accepted that, and I would almost even say I'm happy to do it for the Lord. But I know I could be better about offering up my daily sufferings. And I know I could pray more for those like me who suffer from both depression and anxiety.  

Lord, if it is your will, heal those who silently suffer. If not, we pray that their suffering may serve You and Your Kingdom.