If I've looked tired, out of sorts, and somewhat down in spirits lately, it's because I have been. I've had many sleepless nights, been driven to my wit's end, and just been depressed. I have good reason though.
It's no secret that J and I aren't getting married anytime soon, and we haven't been getting married longer than that short period of time when we were getting married. But I hate, hate, hate getting that question: when are you getting married? It almost brings me to tears every time someone asks me because I honestly don't know. And I doubly hate when people, in all good will, try to tell me "just move in with him! just do it! why wait? you don't have to have a big wedding!" Believe me, I know these things all too well, and I've pleaded my case many times.
If it was ok by the church, I would have already gone with J to the justice of the peace in an old white skirt suit that I bought at palmer home for ten dollars with a bouquet of flowers I bought at Kroger and married him. I would have married him well over one and a half years ago. Unfortunately, I'm waiting around for him to make up his mind.
What most people don't know is that J thinks he is called to be a priest. And he can't make up his mind whether or not he wants to be married to me or be a priest. I've told him several times that if that's what God really wants for him, I can't argue with God. I would gladly give up my hopes of being married and having children to have another priest in this world, and that in the face of his adversaries, including his parents, I would be his biggest defender and protector of his decision.
However, I'm pretty sure he suffers from religious OCD, also known as scrupulosity. If you don't know about this condition, google it right quick. It's a terrible condition where a person's OCD is focused solely on religion. Everything is a sin. Everything leads to hell. God has no love for anyone less than perfect. These people perform penances several times a day, go to confession everyday, and if they say a prayer or an act of contrition wrong, they do it over and over and over until the ritual is complete. Moreover, if said suffering soul cares about you, it also extends to you. There have been many times when J comes to pick me up, and he wants me to change because my outfit is what he considers inappropriate (he has researched this - he found a priest on the internet who says that anything below the collar bone is sinful and any woman who wears shirts that dip below the collar bone is sinning and asking for Hell). This is just one of the many examples I could pick out of the air to show you what it's like to be with a person who has this condition. I spend most of my time talking him down or debating him on certain points to show him how ridiculous and unfounded his beliefs are and that these beliefs are always extended from doubt, fear, and insecurity.
This is exactly what caused J's meltdown over a month ago. I had been telling him to listen to audio sancto because I thought it was a nice resource. I wish I had never told him. He happened to pick one of the homilies on marriage. In it, the priest says, if you can't marry her and support her and children, you don't need to get married. He also goes on to say that it's a sin to be in the same room together. So now, I have OCD J pacing back and forth in my living room saying "I can't do this anymore! I can't be in the same room as you. I won't endanger my soul or your soul." And of course I had no previous knowledge that he had listened to this priest, so I'm sitting there fixing dinner like, "WTF??" After that, it's been all downhill from there. That's the day when he hit me with the news, "No, seriously, I think I'm called to be a priest."
For the past month, I have been living in relationship limbo. Somedays I think I might still be getting married, other days I'm pretty sure I'm not. Sometimes I want to marry him, and other days, I think I really should have chosen Saint Monica, the patron saint of difficult marriages, because somedays, it's hard to say I want to marry him. I've had nightmares, one in which J stabs me to death several times. I've had long discussions where he seems to shut himself off to me. I try to spend time with him, and it just depresses me. It's pretty much been non-stop like this for the past month.
Someone once told me, "you marry one person, but then he changes. and you promise on your wedding day to keep falling in love with that person, no matter how the changes settle into him." I think that makes a lot of sense now. J is most definitely not the same person I met and fell in love with, and I'm not so sure I like this new guy too much. He's nagging, severe, strict, overbearing, depressing, and just plain no fun to be around. He doesn't crack jokes or smile. He can't relax and constantly wants to be alone. I keep thinking to myself, if we had gotten married May 16, 2009 like we said we would, I'd have to love this person. I wouldn't have a choice. How would I fall in love with this person again? Somewhere in my heart, I felt a small, still little voice saying, "Love him more."
Yesterday, Easter Sunday, was not a good day, much like many of our other days here lately. All day he was in his head thinking about whether or not he should be a priest. I was really happy it was Easter, somewhat sad my Dad is in Australia, and a little miffed my mother hadn't even invited me back to the house to at least hang out. But I wasn't going to let that ruin Easter because I had new family surrounding me - my church family and J. But all day, he was just a sourpuss. I can't remember what I did but he got upset over something I did or said, and I just flat out started crying. I know I talk a lot about crying on here, but half the time, I just suck it up. But yesterday, I cried. I told J how I was sad that he couldn't be happier on Easter Sunday and that if this is what it would be like on Easter, of all days, to be married, then I wasn't sure if I wanted to be married. I told him I was upset with my mom. I told him, most of all, I missed my Daddy. I also said that normally his poor moods don't bother me so much, but I just couldn't handle it on Easter. It's not right to be sad on Easter. Immediately, I got an apology, but still, the mood didn't get too much better.
But today. . . Today was a good day, the first good day in a long time. He was in a better mood and better spirits than he has been in a while. He called me to say good morning; I called him on my lunch break. We went to the grocery store together, made some tacos for supper, and even watched a movie. I even got to pick (which NEVER happens). And even though we had to talk very seriously about a long distance relationship since it most definitely looks like he is moving back to Meridian in May, I think to myself, "Today was a good day. If I get these days every once in a blue moon and if he smiles once every ten years, even though it may sometimes be painful, I have hope that I could love him a lifetime."
And so I have listened to that small still voice telling me to love J more. And I think that is the biggest thing I learned this Easter. I learned to love. Fr. John has often defined love as "the ability to stretch oneself past his comfort zone for the spiritual benefit of another person." I have loved him past my limits. With no restraints. With no expectation of J reciprocating this love I give to him. I have loved him as I think a person should. And in some respect, I almost think this is on a very miniature scale how Jesus feels about us. Though He didn't want to drink the cup, He did. Though we still disobey the Father's commandments, He still comforts us. Though the entire world may not believe in His word, He's still there, holding open arms waiting for us. Truly, this is love.
