When Irish Eyes Are Smiling...

I met another boy.
This one is Irish.
Like, legit Irish.
His dad is full Irish.
His dad speaks Gaelic.
And this boy has blue eyes.

He's the exact same age as me.
He likes all the same music that I do.
He likes the same t.v. shows as me.
He likes video games (be still my beating heart!).
He gets my sense of humor because his is exactly the same.
He's every bit the nerd I am.

He's a cradle Catholic.
He's named after the last Holy Father.
And he eats fish on Fridays.

I'm not going to say I'm holding my breath, but I have really good feeling about this one.

Glory and praise to you, Lord Jesus Christ. 

Seven Quick Takes

1.

I'm officially past the weepy stage thanks to google. I'm trying not to get angry.  I'm trying to give the benefit of the doubt to him, but I find myself in a situation where it is very hard to do that. Just remember kiddos, EVERYTHING you say or do leaves a footprint on the 'net and can be traced.  That is why I approach the internet with such anonymity. 

2. 

The boy is sooooo tall now.  We used to be dead even.  I now have to look up to him. This makes me giggle.  He also makes some killer chocolate truffles. 

3.

Shopping in Memphis with my family was fun. I've lost ten pounds, so here's to some new clothes and losing ten more.

4.

I once read that when you make a good decision, God gives you clarity.  I have so much clarity right now that it's not even funny.  I can 100% say that I am at peace with happened.  Not happy yet, but that will take some time.  But I'm definitely okay with it.

5.

I think for the first time in my Catholic life, I will have a whole laundry list of things to take to confession. I'm kinda excited by this? Maybe? Maybe not?

6.

There's a little boy from my hometown who got kicked in his face by a horse. Please pray for him.

7.

Show tonight! And I do believe I'm going so I can sleep in tomorrow morning and then go to Tupelo for confession tomorrow afternoon.

Between the Sacred and Secular

I find myself walking a thin tightrope between the sacred and secular right now.

People on my left, people from my home, from my past, from pre-baptism are saying:

Go out! Drink yourself drunk! Indulge! Eat what you want! Wear what you want! Show that boy what he's missing. 

People on my right, people from church, from my inner circle, from after baptism are saying:

Pray. We're praying for you. Offer it up. 


Pray for me, please. I feel myself stumbling, but I haven't quite fallen yet. Part of it's due to the fact that I feel like I've had the carpet stolen out from under my feet. Heathcliff was my Godfather. I feel like he was my base. And I'm rebuilding. The other part is that I just want to give in. It's easier to just give in.

Father's homily this morning was comforting. That acronym, HALT...Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired...

I am all those things right now.  


Hungry for love. For romantic love. For holding hands, butterflies, hugs that last a moment too long, kisses. I haven't been held or kissed or touched hands with a boy for probably over two years. I just don't want someone to tell he loves me, I want them to show it. 


Angry at Heathcliff. I think I'm transitioning from over the sad part (except the occasional sulk) into anger. This is his fault. He quit. And led me on. For years. What a waste. 


Lonely. I'm bad lonely. All my friends my age or older are married with children. (No offense!) The people I have to hang out with are younger by at least a couple of years.  I fit in because I look young enough and use a cell phone for everything but phone calls, but I can't help but feel like I'm a little out of place, like I'm a little too serious. And I never feel any lonelier than when I'm lonely in a crowded room. 


Tired from a relationship.  I'm spent, burned out. I couldn't love a boy (like he should be loved) even if I wanted to right now.  I can barely find the strength in me to do an adequate job at teaching. And when you're tired, it is always easier to let go and give in and give up than to fight when there's no fight left. And I have no fight left.


And so I know I'm vulnerable. But knowing that you're vulnerable is half the battle right?


And I'm pleading for your prayers. Like I said, I feel myself slipping. And I can see what father was talking about this morning.  This weekend, while clothes shopping, I was picking out cute, but not showy tops. And literally, some random lady commented to me (and only me) "Life is too short. Show what you got while you can girl. I wasted my life being too conservative." I've always tried to dress modestly, and I couldn't help but think those words could have come straight from the Devil's mouth (not calling that woman personally the Devil). It was an extremely odd experience.


But that boy from home. He makes me laugh, and he's terribly sweet. He makes me smile, and he makes me happy. And I couldn't help but think to myself, "He'd make such a great convert." I think that's worth pursuing, if and when the time comes.  Until then, I'll keep going to shows, having a good time, and keeping myself in line. Temperance, right? Temperance.

O Blessed St. Dwynwen, you who knew pain and peace, division and reconciliation, you have promised to aid lovers and you watch over those whose hearts have been broken. As you received three boons from an Angel, intercede for me to receive three blessings; to obtain my heart's desire * my special intention *  or, if that is not God's will, a speedy healing from my pain; your guidance and assistance, that I may find love with the right person, at the right time, and in the right way; and an unshakeable faith in the boundless kindness and wisdom of God. And this I ask in the name of Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen.


Christ have mercy on me, a sinner. 


Less than 3, 
V. 

Seven Quick Takes (Single Style)

1. 

I'm manic. One minute I'm fine, happy, and laughing, telling myself that I'm better off, and the next I'm a sobbing mess who can't finish her sentences without choking on her tears. This is not fun.

2. 

I still don't understand the reasons. I got every trite, cliched movie line pulled on me. We're better as friends than a couple. It's not you, it's me. I just don't want to be in a relationship right now. I proposed because I felt pressure by my parents to do it. I really have no idea why we broke up.

3. 

Though after all this, I realized we probably would have failed pre-cana horribly.

4. 

I feel like I wasted three good years of my life. WASTE-ED. I mean honestly, how do you date as a single Catholic? Do you? I feel like you can't.  Because if your casual dates don't lead anywhere near marriage, then you should part ways. Because good Catholics who have a strong indication that their vocation is marriage should date with the intention of marriage, right?

5. 

If possible, I think I might get a job and get out of the state.

6. 

But since I can't immediately get out of the state, I'm going home.  A place I haven't stayed any length of time for over 7 years.

7. 

I called up an old friend, a boy. I'm going to see his band while I'm home. He was so happy to hear from me and has such a positive outlook on life in general.  He talked to me about technology and didn't force conversational topics and let the conversation come naturally.  He didn't complain about the use of the word "like." I told him he was like a little ball of sunshine he was so freakin' happy.

And I wondered to myself, after being with Heathcliff for so long and seeing how in shock I am to talk someone like this, is this what I've been missing? How could I forget that most people are happy on a daily basis?

Single Catholic Girl...

Seeks patron saint of broken engagements and broken hearts.

I've tried to find one, but it seems there are plenty of patrons for lovers, but none specifically for a broken engagement or a broken heart. Although, I have been pointed to St. Valentine, St. Raphael, and St. Dwynwen. I know Mary is there for me, and of course, nobody has more of a broken heart than Our Lord Jesus Christ. But I still would like a particular saint to petition.

Also, give me all your prayer requests because I've got a lot of suffering to offer up right now, and I probably will have the ability to offer up my suffering for a while.

Moreover, if you could pray for me that I stay on the straight and narrow as far as Catholicism is concerned, I'd appreciate it.  After all, this is completely new for me. I've never been single AND Catholic. And if or when I start dating again, it's going to be completely different, and quite frankly, I find it a terrifying thought.

Less than 3,

V.

Marriage: Not for Warm Fuzzies, Money, or Sex

It has come to my attention lately that I still have very much to learn about myself in relation to the new ideas I adopted upon entering the Catholic faith.  Mainly, I think I've been poorly prepared for marriage. After all, in the culture I grew up in, marriage is what you did when you got the warm fuzzies in your stomach or got pregnant or wanted to have society-sanctioned sex. In fact, the advice given to me by several women was, "don't marry for looks or love; marry for money and the others will come after." To look back on that, those are ill-advised reasons to get married. But in my defense, until recently, I'd never known a couple who didn't get married for those reasons.

In the almost year Heathcliff and I have had to be apart, it has become strikingly clear to me that though I am not a terrible Catholic (I don't drink myself silly, still attend mass every Sunday, and seem to find my way to confession on a regular basis), I am a better Catholic when I am surrounded by better Catholics. In other words, I need examples of people to inspire me, and I need to aspire to be better. God doesn't want a half-hearted love; He's all in or nothing.  I do better as a Catholic with Heathcliff around.

Moreover, I've realized that marriage is such a service.  For the rest of your life, you are tied to your husband.  Meaning, all of your heart, all of the time, in every way possible.  You can change, but you can't quit because you've changed. You have to adapt and keep going. You can't say you give up just because you're burned out; you have to keep giving even when you don't want to give anymore. And truly, I see how this mirror's God's love for us, and to me, it's almost unfathomable that any couple takes on the notion that they can do this. Nothing in this mortal world lasts - nothing.  To say that you can do something for-ev-er seems like sheer idiocy... (please note: I'm not calling married couple idiots; I'm just saying that this line of reasoning goes against good logic).

In fact, I'm willing to bet that any good Catholic couple doesn't whole-heartedly believe they can take on marriage just by themselves. They've got to know that they must ask God for help to sustain their marriage because without that, my guess would be that a divorce (if it were possible in the Catholic church) is sure to happen.

Even at that, I've stumbled across several blogs that detail problems with couples practicing NFP, how when kids enter the equation everything can get out of sync and go awry, about how some men struggle with pornography and masturbation, and about having communication problems in general.  So while you may ask God for help in your marriage, there's still the very real possibility that if you are asking for help, there are most certainly going to be struggles. It's not like if you ask God for help, He's going to wave a magic hand and make all the problems disappear like a fairy godmother in a fairy tale would. No, He's going to let you struggle and figure it out.

And so here I sit pondering the Disneyfied-happily-ever-after-love I've been told about and desired for so long vs. Godly love and what that means for marriage and what that means for me as a Catholic.

It's quite daunting. Terrifying, really. And breathtaking in the same moment.

And perhaps this is why I'm not married yet and have seemingly had every stumbling block put in my path to marriage. I still have so much to learn about my faith.  But I know, now more than ever before, why I think I'm better suited for marriage than a non-religious life.

Not for warm fuzzies. Not for the rush. Not for the money. Not for the sex. Not for the idealized perfect love that will never have a struggle.

Just a life of selfless serving mirroring God's own love for us, and a partner helping me earn my way to heaven.

To all of you doing this already, I have so much respect for you, and you're in my prayers because even though I don't truly know, I know it can't be easy.

And if you would, remember kindly in your prayers those of us pondering marriage. I think most of us have no inkling of an idea what we're getting ourselves into until we're already married.

Less than 3,

V.