I've been up exactly 24 hours now. Getting grades ready. Cause we have a one day deadline.

......... yeah ...........

It's hard just typing.

I lost some blank grade sheets, so I couldn't grade papers for a while back around 2 or 3 am or so. Saint Anthony and Jesus must love me. Or they must have realized how desperate I was. Cause I said the prayer and there they were.

Okay, this as a tactic to keep me awake is not working.

One more class. . .

It's Phlegmatic V. today.

Teaching, as a career, is so bi-polar. Or maybe I am.

One day you're so frustrated because you can't get a single student to understand one single, simple concept.

And in the next week, the students miraculously get it. The light bulb goes off. The Eureka! is screamed. The epiphany is had.

I have been preaching in my Comp. I classes all semester about certain concepts. And in 4 out of 5 essays, no one really got it. Until the last one. They all got it. They finally got it. Insert happy bootay dance. I'm not saying this to brag. But I feel like my students are a reflection of how well I teach; if they don't get it, I didn't teach it well enough. (Well, to some extent. I understand you can only give the information so many times until the responsibility of learning is transferred to the student).

And actually, as frustrating as these students were and as much "tough love" as I had to give them, I think I'll miss this group of students. I had one student say, "This has been a really fun class. I think I'll miss it."

Another girl gave me a Christmas card. (Turns out, she goes to church with me because I recognized the Saint on the card).

Another girl on her way out said, "See you for Comp. II!"

I still honestly don't know if this was supposed to be my vocation or not; I sort of haphazardly stumbled into it. But it's days like today that make me feel better about my choice.

So often though, I forget to say thanks in my prayers.

Lord, thank you for these kind and encouraging words from these students. Please give me the strength to continue teaching, and please give me encouragement if this is my vocation.

It's melancholic V. today.

I've been neglectful; I know. It's just I feel like I have nothing profound enough to post. But here's something that's troubling me.

Today, I took up short story papers. We read Flannery O'Connor's "A Good Man Is Hard to Find." If you haven't read her, she is one of the best Catholic writers of the 20th century, and I highly recommend any Catholic at least have a working knowledge of her body of literature.

In case you haven't read this story, a short synopsis goes like this: A selfish grandmother is going on vacation from Georgia to Florida with her son, his wife, and their two bratty children. However, the Grandmother wants to visit Tennessee and see an old Plantation home. It is also mentioned that the serial killer the Misfit is roaming the countryside.

Eventually, the grandmother tells a conscious lie in order to get her way. Going off the paved road causes the family to have a wreck. A carload of guys comes along, and the grandmother is faced to make a choice: accept the moment of Grace offered and reconcile herself to God or not. I won't ruin the story for you, but let's say it's bittersweet.

What's troubling to me is this: I have a student in my class. This student is catholic. This student attends Sunday mass every Sunday. But this student argued the grandmother could not have been redeemed in his or her paper. This student argued there was no salvation or redemption for anyone in the story. And basically argued that O'Connor's Catholicism, much less her Christianity, was irrelevant. All my protestant students, however, got it. They really liked the story.

I would say this student is typical of the 18 and 19 year olds who attend St. Joe's. It's worrisome because these are the children who are growing up to be future lapsed or Cafeteria Catholics. (I hate using those terms because Catholic is supposed to mean universal and one, but it's true. Even Protestants have the ability to pick out the differences. A protestant lady labeled me a 'cradle' Catholic because I don't eat meat on Friday. It's sad when protestants can and do see the division within us. But, I digress). If these kids can't even see the possibility of redemption for a selfishly- motivated character in a fictional story, how can they even imagine redemption for themselves? Even more troubling, what do they really believe? Are they just going through the motions? Doing what mom and dad said to do? Do they really know the love of Jesus or is it just a superficial relationship? It breaks my heart to consider the answer to these questions.

Moreover, I feel like a failure as a teacher. One of the ways I can best witness the faith is to teach O'Connor, to educate the ignorant boys and girls, (some are even from our own flock! I once had to explain to a Catholic girl why we fasted before the Eucharist), about the Catholic faith. I never push it on them - I simply explain O'Connor's, the Catholic's, world view (with falling into sin, the moment of Grace experienced when repenting, and restoration and salvation of one's soul after confession and Eucharist) and let them ask the questions. However, if I can't even change the opinion or reach one of our own, what good am I? This is supposed to be my vocation. . .

It's like O'Connor once said about her stories and her wish for people to have a conversion of heart; "To the deaf, you yell. To the blind, you draw large and startling pictures." And I've done that in explaining her stories, the Faith, and how it all relates. I feel like I scream and draw easy to understand pictures about her stories and how they relate to the Faith in order to spark interest in it or even just to renew a Love and Faith in Jesus.

But what do you do when you encounter the deaf and dumb?

Turn your eyes to heaven and pray with hope.

Have faith that these people will come around.

Love them even more.

At least that is what I have to tell myself, lest I fall into despair.

Less than 3,

V.

Hello Blog.

Hello blog.

I think I shall take up the proverbial pen again. I think it's good for me. Moreover, I do have a few things to say, most of which are in regard to Catholicism and literature. And maybe a few things I've learned along the months I've been absent.

I won't promise regular updating, but I do promise sporadic, quality updates.

First up - Why I took off my Brown Scapular (And put it back on thanks to my protestant friends)

Why We Need Horror Films

We need to watch horror movies. In fact, both Stephen King and Flannery O'Connor (a devout Catholic) would say that we should be exposed to the grotesque and violent every so often. I know that for most people this train of thought seems contrary to Catholic teaching with the over abundance of certain elements in current horror movies, but hear me out.

The traditional horror-slasher flick usually has a few distinct features:

1. Main characters only survive because they don't break one of the ten commandments.

2. Characters who do break one of the ten commandments are killed.

3. The killer only kills according to those who break one of the ten commandments.

For the most part, most of your 80's slasher flicks fit this pattern.

Nightmare On Elm Street - Freddy abused kids. He comes back, and he kills the kids who have sex and disobey their parents.

Friday the 13th - Jason kills the teenagers having pre marital sex.

In addition, horror movies reassert the saving and protective power of Jesus Christ. In any movie about exorcism, the priest uses the Rite of Exorcism as well as the crucifix, Holy Water, and the power of Jesus' name. But we also see the power of the crucifix in other movies excluding exorcism. In Nightmare On Elm Street, the little girls chant "5, 6, get your crucifix." In one scene of that movie, the crucifix is the only thing that protects an amoral character from being massacred by Freddy.

Moreover, if the horror flick doesn't fit the typical "break God's law, you die" formula, then it supports the Catholic theology of "sometimes bad things happen to good people because we all have to suffer the consequences of sin."

Even more so, with the advent of the "Saw"franchise, we see that the "Saw" serial killer basically takes being God into his own hands, and though we feel empathy for him, you're still rooting for the main character opposing him to live because as a viewer, you know it's not right to kill another person. Although, in most of these movies, the opposing main character has also committed a sin that is usually exposed towards the end of the movie. Most of the main characters die in this franchise because they are given choices: save yourself or someone else. It's usually their pride and selfishness that cause them to die.

The only downside to horror movies is that the more films that are produced with just gore for gore's sake, sex for sex's sake, and torture for torture's sake. When film studios do this, the genre is being demeaned and is able to convince people that "it's just a movie; it has no real world application."

All of this is to say: Horror movies are good for us in doses. They remind of us of our mortality. They are the last stand in mass media and pop culture that is still relatively moral. Horror movies remind us that the supernatural, as well as evil, does exist in this Earthly life, people who commit sin will suffer the consequences, and sometimes, bad things happen to good people. And every time I watch one, I'm always sure to say a rosary before I go to sleep.

So, it's Friday the 13th. Go out and rent yourself a scary movie. Eat some popcorn. Root for the main, moral character to live. And be sure to say a rosary before sleeping and have a crucifix handy. :)

This blog...

This blog will probably be going on an indefinite hiatus. I still feel the tug to write, but I am just lacking in energy because I'm being pulled in eight different directions at all times it seems.

In addition to that, I just inherited a long-distance relationship, and those take a lot of energy. This move to a long distance relationship is not a surprise for me (as it may have been for some people when it was announced last Sunday). Heathcliff and I had been debating about this for a while, and recently, he was offered a classroom job, which is what he's been wanting. Moreover, Heathcliff prefers his hometown over this one (just as a city - he likes the people here), and I think he'll be much happier there.

It hasn't been easy to come to this decision. In fact, I went over to his house about three Sundays ago and informed him that I was giving him an ultimatum: marry or break up. After that, we didn't speak for four or five days, taking some time to think separately from one another. After resuming talking and it becoming apparent that he had no choice but to move, I came to the conclusion (which I shared with him) that this is only going to prove, once and for all, if we are compatible or not (which is what has been keeping him from marrying me in the first place).

There are two types of couples when it comes to long distance relationships: those who have a strong bond and those who have a weak bond. If we have a strong bond, we'll be just fine and probably grow even closer due to the separation. However, if we have a weak bond, we'll fall flat on our faces. I told Heathcliff that this is the last chance, the last straw and that if the relationship doesn't work this time, that's it; I'm done, I'm out. He said he understood and agreed. Contrary to how I may have looked last Sunday (no one likes their significant other leaving), I am very much in a good place. I'm comfortable knowing that if things fall apart, they were meant to fall apart, and if things get better, they were meant to get better.

So, feel free to check back periodically for sporadic entries, but just know that I probably won't be posting that regularly anymore. But I definitely will be lurking, reading, and commenting!

Blah.

I haven't signed in in ages. I still intend on writing, but I don't know. I just don't have it in me currently.

These days I'm spending more time in my head than actually trying to write down and sort out what is in my head.

Also, my energies have been redirected to other places. Namely, it's the start of a new school semester, moving, writing, and reading.

Also, I had a mole removed. I'll know in a week if it was cancerous or not for sure, but the doc said he was pretty sure it wasn't! Thank God! Because when I was telling the nurse about it to make the appointment, she said that it sounded quite serious and had me quite scared.

Anyway, that's all I can think to type at the moment. I'm about to collapse if I don't get a nap.

less than three. V.

Quick Takes or What I've Been Doing

1.

My grandmother, who is 78 and in the last stages of Alzheimer's, fell yesterday. She put a big hole in her head and knocked out her remaining front teeth as well as busted up her lip. I grew up my entire life having her around so much so, she's like a second mother to me. Please pray for her.

2.

On the same note, I don't know if she's been baptized or not. I keep wanting to bring up Last Rites to my Mom and pose it to her in a "don't you want to do it just-in-case?" (Remember, my family is protestant and vehemently so). But how do you give last rites to a person who is sometimes and sometimes isn't lucid? That person can't really make a good confession of faith. Heathcliff says a priest probably wouldn't do it.

3.

There's not a patron saint of Alzheimer's patients or caregivers. That's a crying shame. Both of those types people need prayers and need someone in heaven as their advocate.

4.

It seems every time I start to make some spiritual progress about this or that, I am often slapped with huge distractions, namely midterms and paper grading, at work. I haven't been able to finish my veiling set of essays because it hasn't been at the forefront of my mind lately. There are particular people and student problems at work that I'm spending all my energy on just so I won't have to go to confession. And this is about the second or third time in a row just when I start discovering a new facet of spiritual life, I get slammed with all these things happening at work.

5.

Also, I'm becoming more painfully aware of how Catholic I am and how non-Catholic everyone else is. For example, did you know that stores are selling rosaries as necklaces? necklaces?!?! I have one student, who as a nervous habit, chews on his rosary "necklace" in class. I have to bite my tongue every time I see him do it. When teaching Flannery O'Connor's "A Good Man Is Hard to Find," I was trying to explain how her Catholicism factored into the meaning of the story. I had one student say, "Did the grandmother wind up in that in between place where Catholics go? I don't know. I don't get this. Catholics are weird."

6.

In the process of moving, my cat snagged my wedding dress. There are now two runs on the front satin panel that are visible to the naked eye. I cried and cried. Heathcliff was over and assured me that we could fix it. I asked him if it turned into a hole, would he please cut the knee out in one of his pants legs so we could match. He said he would.

7.

We saw Father John about marriage counseling. We're looking at dates, but we're planning for May. I'm still in disbelief. Bet you didn't expect number seven to be such an upper, did you? ;)

A Delayed Sacred Heart Post

Another linked post because I am short on time till the research papers are done.

If you have never recited the Litany of The Most Sacred Heart of Jesus, I would really recommend it.

One of these days I am going to do the six-months of First Fridays. I just haven't gotten up the gumption to do it yet.

How To Be a Good Blog Commenter: Or Why I Quit FaceBook

I haven't had time to come up with the second part of my Veiling Essay, but I think this is well worth a read. It's about how to be a good blog commenter and represent the Church's presence within new media.

How to be a good blog commenter

That being said, one of the main reasons I left facebook was because I felt like it was a never ending source of frustration, potential gossip, and near occasion of sin because I would almost always be not charitable or be charitable towards unbelievers and then be personally attacked on my own facebook page. So instead of letting technology get the best of me and cause me to fall into sin, I simply got rid of it.

I don't miss facebook. I didn't loose out on keeping in touch with friends. I make it a point to call them or they call me. Nothing has really changed since I "virtually committed social suicide" except that I have more free time. And I take that spare time and devote it to this blog.

If you've been feeling like you should limit facebook time or get rid of it completely, I highly recommend it. You won't even notice it's missing and you may even possibly avoid some near occasions of sin! And that's always a good thing. ;)

less than 3,

V.

Veiling: A History (Part I?)

If I am able to explain this correctly and coherently, it will be because of the Holy Spirit, not because I fully understand. I think I understand pretty well, but if someone sees an error, please feel free to help out. This is a synthesis of information from many sources around the internet, and I will be a good English major and link back citations.

Veiling, as we all know, is the almost 2,000 year old tradition of a woman covering her head before the Lord. It's also a hot button topic within the modern, non-European church. Those who oppose veiling claim that it is just another way that a patriarchal hierarchy forces women to submit to the wills of men. They claim that veiling is a controlling, male dominated act and that no woman should have to veil. And therein lies the concession: no woman should have to veil; however, she can choose to do it, and if she truly has a humble, contrite, feminine spirit, she should. Truthfully, from my research, it seems that only the USA and other English-speaking countries do not veil. This leads us to the question: why did tradition (something we hold so dear in the Church) change in the USA?

So to even begin to understand why veiling has fallen out of practice in our American Catholic culture, we first should go back and understand the origin of the veil, scriptural and cultural.

Scripturally speaking, all sources point us back to when St. Paul addresses the Corinthians in 1 Corinthians 11: 3-10, 16.

"But I want you to understand that the head of every man is Christ, the head of a woman is her husband, and the head of Christ is God. Any man who prays or prophesies with his head covered dishonors his head, but any woman who prays or prophesies with her head unveiled dishonors her head—it is the same as if her head were shaven. For if a woman will not veil herself, then she should cut off her hair; but if it is disgraceful for a woman to be shorn or shaven, let her wear a veil.

"For a man ought not to cover his head, since he is the image and glory of God; but woman is the glory of man. (For man was not made from woman, but woman from man. Neither was man created for woman, but woman for man.) That is why a woman ought to have a veil on her head, because of the angels....If any one is disposed to be contentious, we recognize no other practice, nor do the churches of God."

From reading this, we learn many, many things. The two biggest and most immediate points we should take from this passage though are these: 1 - St. Paul is representing the bonds between man and woman, especially within a marriage, and 2 - this bond is but a smaller reflection of the infinite love shared between Christ, the groom, and his Church, his bride. For as long as I've been alive, I remember people quoting this passage out of context to use this to prove one of two things: 1 - Wives have no will of their own unless it is the will of the husbands and 2 - Feminists who use this passage to argue that this is another way organized Judeo-Christianity is backwards and "holds women back." However, from a Catholic perspective, this passage is neither one of those things.

From my literature studies in college, I am a firm believer in knowing the contextual situation surrounding any given piece of writing because it indirectly affects what the author is communicating. If we can better understand the intended audience and what the author was trying to accomplish, we can walk away with a better understanding of the passage and possibly find some way to apply it to modern day life. Paul was writing to the Corinthians, especially the women, who had taken to coming to services not wearing head coverings, in order that they might reform themselves. This is why St. Paul's letter makes such a big deal out of women who pray without head coverings - he was urging the women of Corinth to change their ways.

The first thing to notice about this passage is the parallel between the Church and Christ and husbands and wives. Now, if Christ is the groom, then the husband (in a marriage) is obviously the groom. If the Church is the bride, then the wife is the bride. Now that we have drawn this parallel, we can see that Paul wasn't being misogynistic when he commanded wives to submit to their husbands. The Church submits herself like a loving bride to the will of Christ, our spiritual leader, so too, must wives submit, like the Church, to their husbands. St. Paul also tells us that there is a natural pecking order: Christ reigns over man, but God the Father is over Christ since He took the form of a man. Woman submits to man because she is made from his flesh (think of it like being a subset. You have the group man and underneath that group is the subgroup wo-man). Thus, women submit to men, who submit to Christ, who submits to God the Father. St. Paul was not a woman-hater; he was simply telling it like it is. Moreover, there are other parallels we can draw to help sustain this first parallel. So, this is the first reason from Corinthians to wear the veil: it shows that a woman is choosing to submit, as is proper, to God and her husband. If she is single and veils, it is just as important for she is still submitting, like the Church does to Christ, to God.

Continuing with this same premise, in a marriage, men should strive to be as Christ-like as possible. By wearing the veil, a woman is accepting the protection of her husband and of God. In older times and (I'm assuming at high masses), the Body and Blood are veiled when the Eucharist is not being received by lay people. (A side note from my English literature studies: in medieval times, the Chalice was often associated with the feminine, which makes sense in this context. But I will not elaborate for this post is already far too long). One of the reasons we do this is because we care for these Holy Items, and we want to protect them. So, just as we veil the chalice and plates in mass, women should also veil as a sign of their acceptance of their husband's protection and Christ's love and protection. More simply put, we veil what is sacred.

Next, sustaining that thought, a woman's body should be considered sacred vessel since she has the ability to bring forth life, which we Catholics believe is very, very sacred. We can look for no better example than Mary; yes, she was following the convention for women during her time period, but somehow, I think she probably knew that in the presence of Our Lord, her head should be covered, and we all know she was the most sacred vessel of all vessels because she was the vessel for Our Lord. So by veiling, we can imitate Mary better, and we glorify God by veiling all vessels of life, not just those that hold the Body and Blood of Christ, but women's wombs as well.

Lastly and most importantly, we should veil because we are in the presence of God. Men are also commanded to do something in the presence of God: uncover their heads. (Imagine how poor, balding Billy Bob feels taking that John Deer hat off). This is the reason why Bishops remove their mini Pope-hats (I know it's a mitre, but I like saying Pope-hat; it's a carryover from non-Catholic times :) ) when he prays and reads the word of God. In the same respect, women need to do something to acknowledge and show respect for the Real Presence as well. The most logical action is to cover the head as a sign of reverence. Previously, cannon law stated that women should do this. The law mandated that all women in a church in the presence of the Eucharist, which we, as Catholics, consider to be the real presence of Jesus Christ, must cover their heads. Currently, cannon law does not ever explicitly state that women no longer have to cover their heads as it is no longer necessary; no, cannon law is now simply ambiguous on the matter having deleted the law about head coverings altogether! However, this does not mean that the Church does not endorse this practice. If lady were to go to the Vatican to visit the Holy Father, she is required to wear a veil! If this practice is required by the Holy Father in his home parish, then why aren't we doing it? (My guess is pride, but that is for another post).

Simply put and probably the most compelling reason for veiling, based in both scripture and old cannon law, not wearing the veil is a disservice to Our Lord; it's blatantly ignoring or denying of the Real Presence of Jesus Christ in the Eucharist. What good Catholic woman wants to be saying that to Jesus at mass?

Much love,

V.

P.S. Except 2 coming posts: one answering the question I set up at the beginning of this essay (hint hint: feminism rears it's ugly head) and another about how to veil in traditional and subtle ways, types of veils, who wears what color veils, and dealing with possible veil hater backlash. :)

Citations of Sources from where information was gathered:

Source 1, Source 2, Source 3, Source 4

All sources seem credible, but if I have encountered one that has led me astray, please let me know.

Veiling: Just Do It - Saint Veronica, Help Me (With Pictures!)

I'm feeling quite convicted right now about veils and the act of veiling. I've tried it before on a few occasions and have my own veil, but I never bring it to my regular parish. I always wear it when I'm at other parishes. I'm not sure why. It's just easier for me I suppose. No one knows me. I guess I just believe no one really pays attention to me if I'm not a member of the parish. Then again, that's probably a little selfish and conceited to think that people are looking at me right? I should assume they are all focused on Our Lord, but in truth, some people's minds might be elsewhere.

In truth, I've avoided veiling for selfish and prideful reasons. Heathcliff used to bug me quite a bit about purchasing one and wearing one consistently to mass. As a result, I instinctively rebelled. I sometimes have a problem with people telling me what to do and when to do it, especially if it comes from a man. I guess there is still some residual feminist left in me, but it's usually not a problem unless someone demands I do something instead of politely asking. Moreover, I worry about people at church and what they think. "Oh, look, there's that uuber religious young chick," they might think in a derogatory tone. Or maybe, "she's just trying to look Holy, but I bet she's not. Weird traditionalist girl." But this is not being charitable towards other people's thoughts. I shouldn't think that they are thinking the worst about me. I would hope they would try to be more charitable towards me and what I'm thinking of them, such as, "oh, look how pretty that girl looks in her veil. So peaceful too, maybe I should start wearing one as well."

Something I read in the comments about this made me think about veiling and receiving communion on the tongue. "One thing that always amazes me is Catholics who are intimidated by receiving Holy Communion kneeling and on the tongue or women who want to wear a head covering but are concerned about the reaction from others. Is this the Church Militant whose history includes thousands of martyrs?"

This person has a point. How can I even be sure of myself, if Lord forbid, I was faced with the chance to be a martyr to be courageous enough to die for Our Lord if I can't even gather up enough guts to wear a piece of lace on my head for fear of looking silly or receive communion on the tongue for fear of bad breath? I can say that yes, I would die for Him, but logic stands to reason that since I can't even do these small things, what would I really do in a much more dire situation?

The irony of it all is that my patron Saint, Saint Veronica (pictured to your right) could be considered the patron saint of the veil-wearers! A quick refresher for those who need it: Saint Veronica is depicted in the sixth station of the cross. She is the woman who wipes Jesus' face with her veil. When He hands it back to her, He leaves His Holy Countenance on it. Tradition has it that Veronica went to great lengths to protect the veil and get it to St. Peter's. Her given name is unknown (it is speculated that it might be Bernice): she is named after the relic, the veil, the Holy Face or vera icon, the True Image. I picked her as my patron Saint because it was down to her or Saint Therese; Veronica seemed like she needed some love as no one really seems to know who she is. Everything the Church knows about her is through tradition. But I liked her for the same reason I liked Saint Therese - her legacy is based on a small action. For this reason (only tradition - no miracles), she does not have an official feast day on the church calendar, but when she was on it, it was July 12.

When you think about Veronica (or at least when I do), the first thing I associate her with is her veil. Like Mary is always directing us to Jesus, Veronica does the same. In pictures, her veil is always displayed for all to see the Holy Countenance. This is another reason why I picked her. The prayers imploring her for help often ask to the sight to see the face of Jesus in others. Moreover, what does it say about the veil that Jesus left His face on it? Obviously, He's given the veil His blessing since He impressed His likeness on it, not just as a blessing on Veronica for being charitable, but for all who follow in her footsteps in wearing the veil.

Veiling seems like the way to go, but it also seems that the veil calls a gal to buck up and put on a skirt and receive communion on the tongue. All I can ask for is the grace to do it. Saint Veronica, pray for me!

And now for the fun part, pictures!

An artist's interpretation of Veronica. Her face is blank, and I quite like that touch.

Saint Veronica bearing the veil at the Vatican. Doesn't this statue make you think she's a strong woman?

This is probably my favorite rendition of her, maybe even more liked than the traditional/ most used image (see to the right). She looks so determined and strong here, and yet, you still see Jesus' face. She looks like she's guarding it with her life.

Prayer to Saint Veronica

St. Veronica, you gave Christ a towel on His way to Cavalry

Which He used to wipe the Precious Blood from His Holy Face.

In return for this great act of kindness He left you His most Holy image on the towel.

Pray for us to Our Lord that His Holy Face may be imprinted

on our hearts so that we may be always be mindful of the Passion and Death

of Our lord Jesus Christ, through the same Christ our Lord,

Amen.

P.S. I'm cooking up a little veiling experiment. Look for it in a future (read: relatively soon) post.

I feel like a silly goose/lame-o/sheepish

Well, don't I feel like a silly goose.

In perusing my usual internet sites, I came across this link: Father Z's Blog - How to Receive Communion - The Turf the Devil Does Not Want to Give Up Without a Fight How timely and fitting, considering how I just wrote about that subject. Silly goose feeling #1.

Somewhere in reading the comments section though, I came across this link: The Correct Postures and Gestures for Mass Half of this stuff I didn't even realize I was supposed to be doing. Most of this stuff Heathcliff does, and I just thought he was being OCD and extremely pious. Silly goose feeling #2.

In reading the correct postures and gestures for mass page, I didn't know what Agnus Dei meant. Upon finding the translation, I facepalmed myself, realizing I sang it in English for almost two years. Silly goose feeling #3. I must say, I do prefer the Latin to the English.

I am so ill-educated. There's all this stuff I feel like I should know, rooted in tradition and history, and I feel like no one's told me about it! So I go digging for all this information, and just when I think I have a good handle on the information, I find more and more. It's a little overwhelming at times.

Anyway, on to other entries. This is just some food for thought.

Communion: Do You Receive or Take?

This might seem trivial, even silly to some older Catholics who have been taking communion since they were seven, but I'm still a little unsure. And it seems at most masses lately, I've been getting "hit over the head with a frying pan" about which way I should receive communion.

In RCIA, Father taught us that we cup our hands, putting the hand we use on the bottom. Then to respond Amen and take our bottom hand and use it to put the host in our mouth. He also mentioned that the second way was to open our mouth and not to dangle our tongue like Gene Simmons.

I've watched very closely how people take communion ( though I don't do that anymore since I recently read you're supposed to be praying while you're waiting to receive. Something I did not learn in RCIA). Most people in our church do take communion cup style. It seems only those who are holding small children or who are more traditional receive in the mouth. I once saw a man licking the palm of his hand. Horrified, I asked Heathcliff, "What's that man doing?! Isn't that disrespectful?" He then asked me a series of questions I knew the answers to: What is he taking? The host. What do we believe about the Host? It's the full presence of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. Is He present in every particle of it? Yes. When you take communion in the hands, could there be pieces of the host left on them? Here I paused, and I realized what the man was doing by licking his hands. He wasn't being disrespectful at all. In fact, the man was preventing possible abuses to Our Beloved Savior. By licking his hands, the man was getting any miniscule particles that might get trampled on by other communicants, stuck to the bottom of some person's shoe, or worse, swept up by the Church janitor and thrown into the garbage. To think of something like that happening, it breaks my heart.

Yet, I still take communion in the hand. I feel guilty about it too. Not guilty for taking communion, but guilty that I can't have the courage enough to take communion as I think I should. Part of it is peer pressure, part of it is rebellion. Everyone else takes communion in the hand, and I'll be in the minority. Heathcliff used to make a big deal about the way I take communion, and it really put me off from receiving communion in the mouth. Now, neither of these things is such a big deal. Now, it's just awkwardness that binds me. I psyche myself up on the way, I pray for the courage to do it, and when I do, it's awkward and unfulfilling. The Eucharistic ministers always makes a funny face like I'm blasting bad breath in their direction, or I'm asking too much of them to come near my mouth. Or maybe it's all in my head. But it certainly doesn't feel like it.

As I said before, lately, I've been hit over the head with signs that I need to stop with my hands. Almost after every mass for around a month (give or take), I see bit and pieces, and flakes of the Host remaining in my hand. And I carefully and lovingly gather each one, press it to my finger, and then press my finger to my tongue. But I can't help but think how many more pieces I missed before Heathcliff and I had that conversation.

One of my spiritual heroes, Mother Teresa, has an often mis-quoted quote, but it weighs heavily on my mind. (What follows is the correct quote). "Wherever I go in the whole world, the thing that makes me the saddest is watching people receive Communion in the hand." I feel that way about myself. And I think the conclusion that I've come to while writing this is this: I've been alternating using "taking" and "receiving" communion depending upon which way I'm describing. It hasn't been deliberate until the last portion of the entry. People who take communion themselves take communion in the hand. People who receive communion receive in the mouth. I've often heard it said that the Eucharist is a gift that Christ has left us; who are we to take it out of the minister's hands? Shouldn't we gracefully receive it, like the gift that it is?

Mantillas

Okay okay, two posts in one day. Bad Veronica. (Because this probably means I've already spent too much time on the interwebs).

BUT!

I just had to show you this website. I've often heard the case for the mantilla, and I do feel pulled toward it. I'm just hesitant to do so. I don't really know why. I guess I would feel extremely out of place or by wearing it, it's like I'm silently announcing "I'm more holy because I've got a mantilla on my head."

But really, I like wearing a veil because I'm ADD. And if I hear something, I look, and I get distracted from God and prayer. When I wear my mantilla, I am sure to pull it about 1/2 farther off my head so it acts like blinders one might put on a horse. Then, all I can see is the alter and the tabernacle, and I'm not so inclined to look at think, "man she shouldn't be wearing that at mass, " or "Could you people please not talk!??!"

Anyway, more to come on this later. I really need to do something productive. Though this website I think is a productive find.

http://www.mantillawithme.com/Welcome.html

http://mantillawithme.blogspot.com/

Quick Takes on a Wednesday!

I know this blog is getting neglected again, but I've been packing the house up and purging of unneeded and unwanted things. Here are a select few things I've been mulling over for posts.

1. Why Every Good Catholic Should Watch Bones

Bones is a t.v. show in a CSI format from an intelligent viewpoint. The main character is an atheistic forensic anthropologist. The science behind the cases and anthropological details are quite sound (anthropology would have been my major had I thought I could hack it as an archeologist). Moreover though, the ever lovable FBI special agent, Seely Booth, is a hardcore Catholic. And while he does falter and sin, (which only makes him more lovable to see that he's being portrayed as a fully human character unlike many archetypal characters on this CSI shows), he vehemently defends the Faith, the Church, the Holy Father, the case for God, and God against the atheistic Temperence Brennan. And I think she's starting to crack. However, I am afraid that when the show ends, they will Hollywood-ize Booth's faith. We'll see. Oh, did I mention Booth is portrayed by David Boreanz? ANGEL!!!

2. Why Every Good Catholic Should Watch The X-Files

We all remember The X-Files. That creepy music. The weird rolling clouds with "The Truth is Out There" scribbled on them. The X-Files is a show that is fiction based in truth. And though they had different approaches, Mulder and Scully were both searching for one thing - Truth with a capital T. But, again, we see the whole Truth vs. Reason theme at work in the pairing of Mulder and Scully (which is where I'm pretty sure Bones pulled from since there are references to the X-Files in the show). Only in this show, Mulder, the alien conspiracy theory believer, the one who believes in seeing the unseen, can't believe in God. Scully, on the other hand, the hardcore empirical scientist, is a devout Catholic and defends her Faith in God to Mulder. The show in itself, is inherently a Catholic one. If you've never watched The X-Files before, all nine seasons are available for instant play via netflix. You can come over to my house and we'll have an X-Files Party! Glowing aliens and the whole bit. However, if you don't want to venture into sci-fi nerdom with me, you could always rent the latest X-Files movie, which is also inherently Catholic and a stand alone (meaning you don't need to know any of the mythos to watch it). Because as we all know, "The X-Files is still relevant!" [insert J rolling his eyes]

3. I've decided to rename J to Heathcliff.

This name is much more beneficial as it describes him pretty accurately. Heathcliff, in literature, was a brooding, dark, angsty young gypsy boy who grew up and turned into a bitter old man (but only because his true love was his heart and soul and she died, so he lost his heart and soul. Poor Heathcliff!) But in his younger years, he was quite a dashing and charming guy. Heathcliff is also the name to an antagonistic orange tabby cat.

No, seriously, Heathcliff is doing much better these days. And in effect, we're doing better as well. :) I thank God for it.

4. The Lost Finale was kind of sucky.

I watched the show for the first four seasons, and then, I quit because the writing was terrible and the plot holes were so gaping. The finale, tried to assert certain inherently and explicitly Christian values, but ultimately, in my opinion, failed to do so. Though I do applaud their attempt, political correctness and wishful thinking precluded their writing from having and transcendent meaning. I'll wait another few weeks before discussing this so as to give people time to watch it and not give away spoilers. Also, anyone notice how I'm a sucker for pop culture + Catholicism? I've always been that way for some reason.

5. Also, going back to number 1, why didn't I become an archeologist?

Oh right, I thought I wouldn't make any money. But I'm not making any money now and I would much rather be digging up bones and discovering than trying to convince Freshmen that yes, the comma really does go there, and yes, it really is important, and you really do need it.

6. Speaking of money, I get paid Friday.

I'm dying for my paycheck as my accounting section at my workplace decided to "re-schedule" for accounting reasons when us part-timers would get paid. So, where as I thought I would get paid in two weeks at the beginning of the month, I actually was waiting another month to get paid! Ouch. I'm really getting sick of macaroni and cheese. First thing when I get paid, I'm treating Heathcliff and I to a good hot meal.

7. My friend gave me some really good news.

Not news about me. Just good news. Sometimes, when you're having a crappy day (as I had been), good news like that is all you need to hear to continue to hope for the best.

I feel like I'm not doing enough!

If you have been watching the news, you know Nashville is drowning, and the oil spill is threatening the entire Gulf Coast - animals and humans alike. I'm looking around and thinking, I've got the next three weeks off, how can I help?

IF there is one thing I hate, it's to see some one or some animal go unloved (albeit humans are more of a priority). I keep wanting to donate my time to the Humane Society, but I know I would come home with every cute kitten, and I would beg them not to euthanize any older, unadopted cats. So, I've been trying to watch for the coupons in the papers to score free pet food and supplies and when I get enough, take them down there.

I also keep wanting to see if the crisis pregnancy center needs help, but I'm not sure what their stance on life is (i.e. does it offer pro-life services or something else...)

But more pressing, I want to help the people and animals on the Gulf Coast. My family is from the Gulf, and my cousin wrote me a letter talking about the oil spill. She knew some of the people out there on the rig, but they came back ok. But she was telling me about the people who didn't. Little boys and girls who lost their fathers. And she was telling me that for a lot of people down there, working the rig is a way of life. Now what will they do? How will they pay the bills? Where is their family's food going to come from? Moreover, news reports are saying that this spill will wipe out most of Louisiana's seafood supply for the next year, and it's continually getting worse by the minute.

I told Joshua that we don't have anything to do for the next couple of weeks and if they were taking volunteers, we should go down and help. However, I don't think they are taking volunteers. But so far, this is the most practical thing I've found: if you're getting your hair cut or you cut your own, DON'T THROW OUT THE HAIR. Make sure you wash your hair before you cut it, then cut your hair, then sweep it into a ziplock bag. Hair naturally soaks up oil, and these nice people take the donated hair and old stockings and make what is called "booms." Volunteers then use these booms to soak up the oil from the spill and clean up the ocean for all the little critters.

What really irritates me is all this talk about going green and green this and green that and environmental responsibility, and then something like this happens, and it just doesn't feel like everyone (and by everyone I mean talking heads in the media) has a sense of urgency about Nashville or the Gulf. I feel like they just mention it because it's on the teleprompter.

But this is something I have firmly believed about the South, and something I discussed in my Master's thesis that you learn about the South and shows in its literature: The South may not be Christ-centered, but it is certainly Christ haunted. The reason we haven't flown away from the Faith is that as a region, we experienced our Fall in the aftermath of the war. We had nothing. All we really had to turn to after the war was our Faith. And whenever something like this happens to us as a region, we don't go praying to the government to fix us. We fall on our knees and pray, and then we do as God commanded us to do: Love your neighbor. I've never known of any good, true (notice the qualifiers there) Southerner to refuse to give help to someone in need, especially when it's our own.

I implore you, if you're cutting your hair anytime soon, save it because this spill is not letting up anytime soon because of the inability to cap the hole. And if I come to mass any time soon and my hair is significantly shorter, you'll know why. :)

This Has Gotta Be Quick But...

But thank God for adoration, and thank God that he answers, even when I am in the undeserving state that I am in. I've read before that you can't clearly hear God's voice when you're in need of confession, and I'm in need of it, but I was still able to listen and hear. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

For a while now, at adoration, at mass, just whenever really, I've been drawn to the Litany of the Sacred Heart as well as the chaplet of Divine Mercy (these are the graces for saying it). I've always been drawn to the Litany of the Sacred Heart because of the twelve promises Jesus provides, but more importantly, I just like the idea of being devoted to the source of infinite love. It's only been recently that I've been doing this more frequently, and if you have been tuning in, I've gotten some clarity on my state in life, and in turn, that has brought me great peace. It hit me tonight when I started going through the Litany this peace is a direct result of these two prayers.

Something I've been contemplating and felt pushed to answer, and even personally asked by Jesus within the past few months, is "What do you want out of life, Veronica?" At first, "it was I'm really not sure Lord." Then, it was "to get married and have children." Recently, though, I've realized these aren't good answers. This isn't what Jesus was asking me. Rather, He was seeking confirmation and asking the obvious as it seems He is want to do. Lately, I've been trying to make my answer, "To be a good Catholic and to please You, O Lord." I think this is the answer He's been looking for all along. And in this, I realized all my other wants and desires, I have to let go of. Those wishes derive from my specific will, and if I really believe that life is a means to an end, I've got to empty myself out to be able to do God's will because that is what I should want to do and that is what will get me to Heaven to be with God.

It's at this point I realized a while back that I should forego my desires and really just let Jesus show me what needs to be done. To paraphrase Mother Teresa's saying that I so love, "I am a little pencil in God's hands." Write with me what You will. I think this is also the time I began to be drawn to the Litany of the Sacred Heart and Divine Mercy chaplet and the idea of the missions.

There is something absolutely freeing in giving your desires completely over to Jesus as well as completely putting Your trust in Him. Although it is tough. I almost think this is one meaning of what he meant when He said, "come unto me like little children." Children aren't afraid to believe and trust people; they haven't learned how to be skeptics to the extent that adults are. I am blessed in that I really can just believe in people and God and Jesus so easily. It's almost too easy. I only hope that other people, especially skeptics and doubters, see my belief and are inspired as well.

Tonight, I went with the intention of my vocation, as I have been for the past two months. And tonight, I feel like I got some consolation. Answers to questions I've been asking when I really feel like I don't deserve them. I've asked J. to pray to Litany and the Chaplet and ask the same questions I asked during his hour of adoration. I'm hoping and praying he receives the same answers I got. If so, it would be wonderful. If not, I'll be upset, but I'll be ok because I will trust like a little undoubting child that Jesus has something wonderful planned for me.

If you have never devoted yourself to the Sacred Heart Litany or the Divine Mercy Chaplet, I highly recommend it. And I'm not just saying this because of the promises. I'm saying this in all earnestness - pray them with all your heart, give Jesus all your wants, wishes, and wills, and then let Him show your His infinite love and mercy. I promise you, He never disappoints if your will is compatible to His.

Lamb of God, who takest away the sins of the world, spare us, O Lord.
Lamb of God, who takest away the sins of the world, graciously hear us, O Lord,
Lamb of God who takest away the sins of the world, have mercy on us.

O Blood and Water, which gushed forth from the Heart of Jesus as a fountain of Mercy for us, I trust in You!

Hello Blog

It's been a while. It's that time of the year again. Exams. I always thought it would be easier on the other side, but turns out, you can't just cram grading work. Bummer.

I've been meaning to write about various assorted informative topics, but I somehow, I keep using this as a place to sort out personal matters.

In a few weeks, I will have been engaged for two years. A girl from Bed, Bath and Beyond called me to congratulate me on my wedding in two weeks. (I reset the registry last year for May 16,2010). I had the pleasure of having an extremely awkward conversation telling her that my wedding had been cancelled and that she could just delete the registry since I can't foresee a new date anytime soon. That breaks my heart. I cried all the way to work that day. Out of all my college friends, I was the first to be engaged, and now, I'm watching them all get married. It's really painful to try to be happy for someone who has something you want. . .

I think I've come to an impass. As for deciding what to do about my current vocational state, I do think I would make a good wife and mother. I think marriage is a possiblity for me. I don't know if J and I are really all that compatible. I used to think we were, but now, I more so think we aren't. I really feel like God would allow us to get married because he knows some good can come of it; however, I think His is will is not for me to marry J in particular. I think I was supposed to met him, become good friends, become a member of the church, and then part ways. I think I just let other things cloud my judgement (what little I had in my pre-catholic days). That's a bitter pill to swallow.

It seems I've recieved no consolation whatesoever in regards to this marriage. For instance, I was told yesterday there is no full-time position at my job this next school year (which made me feel like now is the time to go to the missions - another post for another time). He's moving back home. When we baby sat recently, though he was good with the children, he got no consolation about having a family. It's been almost two months since that major meltodwn, and I feel like if in 2 years and 2 months of extreme concentration on the subject if you don't know whether or not you want to get married, you're never going to know.

He admitted this. He feels like you can never be sure about your decisions in life. I disagree. Take that logic to its extreme, if you can't be sure of anything, you can't even be sure that God exists...I think you don't have to be sure of things by yourself, but if you're doing God's will, then you can trust that it's a sure thing...

Last night, I finally got him to talk to me some. He got upset that I was watching YouTube videos. However, in my defense, he was working, and it was my way of leaving him alone because I did all my work last week. He then proceeded to tell me that it was confirmation to him that we were not compatible. I agreed. Out loud. He looked shocked. I told him how I felt, how I thought I didn't like me as a person. He looked shocked at that too. I gave him a list of things he regurarly repeats of dislikes he has about me, which include but are not limited to: I'm not witty, I don't read, I'm overweight, I'm kinda lazy, I'm kinda slow-witted, I laugh too much, I don't take things seriously enough, I'm not very self disciplined, etc, etc, etc. I looked at him and asked, "if you have so many things you don't like about me, then what do you like? And why have you stuck with me for so long?" Again, a look of shock. He started to name a few things, but they weren't as numerous as the negatives. I told him, "I love everything about you. I have two complaints. You're overly critical and analytical, and rigid, but those things are just in your personality. You can control them." More shock. At this point, he started to back pedal, and then wanted to leave.

I am actually a little proud of myself here. I stood up for myself. I told him that he couldn't leave just because he had work to do. I told him that I would stay and put my job's reputation on the line if it meant I could help my relationship that I may or may not be losing. Plus, he's been late with grades before for just plain procrastinating. He decided to stay.

I did feel some consolation after last night. I feel like if we could talk, if he would talk to me, then we would be ok. But it's like pulling teeth, and I shouldn't have to pull teeth to get this to happen.

I feel like this is all on him. I feel like he's got to do some major footwork here and meet me halfway, or there's really just no point in staying because a relationship between us, as different as we are, without the fundamental basics, namely communication, just won't work.




It won't work at all.

P.S. Though it may seem like a depressing entry, I'm really quite relieved. There's a sense of clarity here that I haven't had in a while and that's a welcomed feeling, no matter how precarious my current situation is.

This Week Was A Good Week

oooooooh laaaaaazy catholic blogger.

Much to say, too tired to say it. Probably a post written in fragments. That irks me. Will fix it later. Not neglecting you blog. Two weeks before exams. Slammed with paper work. You know how it goes.

Got sick last week. Missed mass (boo) and work (yay!). Been playing catch up on work ever since. Talked with friends. Much needed and welcomed and very helpful.

Talked with fiance. Have seen improvements in attitude towards relationship.

Possibly received some answers to big questions during adoration hours. Further discernment needed.

Officially turned one as a Catholic. April 12 if anyone is curious. No cake yet, but I plan on making it sometime this weekend.

Officially started dieting and exercising and more strict prayer regimen. In effort to become more self-disciplined. Figure if I can become more disciplined in spiritual life, I can apply what I've learned to other parts of my life. Doing it for my (possible) future kids and my health. Do not want diabetes or Alzheimer's.

Got letter from Dad in Australia. He'll be home in another 2 months hopefully.

Future blog topics I've been meaning to write about: Catholicism in pop culture, specifically The X-Files and Bones, Alzheimer's patients, reflection of first year as Catholic, how I got to be a Catholic.

moving in with friend. j moving back home.

All in all, it's been a good week. Especially in the relationship department. Not taking that as a sign, just for what it is. A good week.

Today Was A Good Day

If I've looked tired, out of sorts, and somewhat down in spirits lately, it's because I have been. I've had many sleepless nights, been driven to my wit's end, and just been depressed. I have good reason though.

It's no secret that J and I aren't getting married anytime soon, and we haven't been getting married longer than that short period of time when we were getting married. But I hate, hate, hate getting that question: when are you getting married? It almost brings me to tears every time someone asks me because I honestly don't know. And I doubly hate when people, in all good will, try to tell me "just move in with him! just do it! why wait? you don't have to have a big wedding!" Believe me, I know these things all too well, and I've pleaded my case many times.

If it was ok by the church, I would have already gone with J to the justice of the peace in an old white skirt suit that I bought at palmer home for ten dollars with a bouquet of flowers I bought at Kroger and married him. I would have married him well over one and a half years ago. Unfortunately, I'm waiting around for him to make up his mind.

What most people don't know is that J thinks he is called to be a priest. And he can't make up his mind whether or not he wants to be married to me or be a priest. I've told him several times that if that's what God really wants for him, I can't argue with God. I would gladly give up my hopes of being married and having children to have another priest in this world, and that in the face of his adversaries, including his parents, I would be his biggest defender and protector of his decision.

However, I'm pretty sure he suffers from religious OCD, also known as scrupulosity. If you don't know about this condition, google it right quick. It's a terrible condition where a person's OCD is focused solely on religion. Everything is a sin. Everything leads to hell. God has no love for anyone less than perfect. These people perform penances several times a day, go to confession everyday, and if they say a prayer or an act of contrition wrong, they do it over and over and over until the ritual is complete. Moreover, if said suffering soul cares about you, it also extends to you. There have been many times when J comes to pick me up, and he wants me to change because my outfit is what he considers inappropriate (he has researched this - he found a priest on the internet who says that anything below the collar bone is sinful and any woman who wears shirts that dip below the collar bone is sinning and asking for Hell). This is just one of the many examples I could pick out of the air to show you what it's like to be with a person who has this condition. I spend most of my time talking him down or debating him on certain points to show him how ridiculous and unfounded his beliefs are and that these beliefs are always extended from doubt, fear, and insecurity.

This is exactly what caused J's meltdown over a month ago. I had been telling him to listen to audio sancto because I thought it was a nice resource. I wish I had never told him. He happened to pick one of the homilies on marriage. In it, the priest says, if you can't marry her and support her and children, you don't need to get married. He also goes on to say that it's a sin to be in the same room together. So now, I have OCD J pacing back and forth in my living room saying "I can't do this anymore! I can't be in the same room as you. I won't endanger my soul or your soul." And of course I had no previous knowledge that he had listened to this priest, so I'm sitting there fixing dinner like, "WTF??" After that, it's been all downhill from there. That's the day when he hit me with the news, "No, seriously, I think I'm called to be a priest."

For the past month, I have been living in relationship limbo. Somedays I think I might still be getting married, other days I'm pretty sure I'm not. Sometimes I want to marry him, and other days, I think I really should have chosen Saint Monica, the patron saint of difficult marriages, because somedays, it's hard to say I want to marry him. I've had nightmares, one in which J stabs me to death several times. I've had long discussions where he seems to shut himself off to me. I try to spend time with him, and it just depresses me. It's pretty much been non-stop like this for the past month.

Someone once told me, "you marry one person, but then he changes. and you promise on your wedding day to keep falling in love with that person, no matter how the changes settle into him." I think that makes a lot of sense now. J is most definitely not the same person I met and fell in love with, and I'm not so sure I like this new guy too much. He's nagging, severe, strict, overbearing, depressing, and just plain no fun to be around. He doesn't crack jokes or smile. He can't relax and constantly wants to be alone. I keep thinking to myself, if we had gotten married May 16, 2009 like we said we would, I'd have to love this person. I wouldn't have a choice. How would I fall in love with this person again? Somewhere in my heart, I felt a small, still little voice saying, "Love him more."

Yesterday, Easter Sunday, was not a good day, much like many of our other days here lately. All day he was in his head thinking about whether or not he should be a priest. I was really happy it was Easter, somewhat sad my Dad is in Australia, and a little miffed my mother hadn't even invited me back to the house to at least hang out. But I wasn't going to let that ruin Easter because I had new family surrounding me - my church family and J. But all day, he was just a sourpuss. I can't remember what I did but he got upset over something I did or said, and I just flat out started crying. I know I talk a lot about crying on here, but half the time, I just suck it up. But yesterday, I cried. I told J how I was sad that he couldn't be happier on Easter Sunday and that if this is what it would be like on Easter, of all days, to be married, then I wasn't sure if I wanted to be married. I told him I was upset with my mom. I told him, most of all, I missed my Daddy. I also said that normally his poor moods don't bother me so much, but I just couldn't handle it on Easter. It's not right to be sad on Easter. Immediately, I got an apology, but still, the mood didn't get too much better.

But today. . . Today was a good day, the first good day in a long time. He was in a better mood and better spirits than he has been in a while. He called me to say good morning; I called him on my lunch break. We went to the grocery store together, made some tacos for supper, and even watched a movie. I even got to pick (which NEVER happens). And even though we had to talk very seriously about a long distance relationship since it most definitely looks like he is moving back to Meridian in May, I think to myself, "Today was a good day. If I get these days every once in a blue moon and if he smiles once every ten years, even though it may sometimes be painful, I have hope that I could love him a lifetime."

And so I have listened to that small still voice telling me to love J more. And I think that is the biggest thing I learned this Easter. I learned to love. Fr. John has often defined love as "the ability to stretch oneself past his comfort zone for the spiritual benefit of another person." I have loved him past my limits. With no restraints. With no expectation of J reciprocating this love I give to him. I have loved him as I think a person should. And in some respect, I almost think this is on a very miniature scale how Jesus feels about us. Though He didn't want to drink the cup, He did. Though we still disobey the Father's commandments, He still comforts us. Though the entire world may not believe in His word, He's still there, holding open arms waiting for us. Truly, this is love.

Using the New Technology to Evangelize

I am a child of a generation who has always had a cell phone. I am a child who grew up with free reign over internet usage, chat rooms, television, and video games. I've seen the advent of e-mail, to chat rooms, to texting. In my job, I see textbooks becoming electronic and classrooms being conducted via the internet. Technology is an intergal part of my lifestyle, no matter how hard I try to remove myself from it.

The same is happening to a new generation of children as well. More and more, I see young children given play 'cell phones' just as we once gave young girls play 'babies.' Parents give their children pretend laptops and video game consoles, prepping them for later in life when they receive their first real cell phone, their first video game, and their first laptop.

Technology is invading our every aspect of life, and we shouldn't resist it but embrace it. Granted, if not closely watched and utilized in a temperate manner, technology can get quite out of hand and do more harm than good. However, I do believe there is much good that can come from technology as long as you use it and do not let it use you. (J constantly argues that all technology is bad. I've had fun presenting the following information to him and watching his reaction).

I am an apple mac/iPhone user. I love my iPhone. And while I don't have many apps on my iPhone, most of them are free and practical. I've got one program that scans barcodes of items at the grocery store and tells me if the item (say like printer ink) is available cheaper on the internet or at competitor's store in my area and for how much. I've got another that turns my phone into an electronic coupon that cashier's can scan while I'm at the grocery store checking out. But by far, my favorite are those apps that help me spiritually. Below are my favorites:

Catholic Mass Times: Using the faux GPS in the iPhone, this app finds where you are on a map, pulls up all possible Catholic churches in the area and gives you the mass times! Moreover, it brings up phone numbers, directions, and tells you whether or not the mass is in Latin or there are special services such as First Fridays or First Saturdays. Moreover, it gives you the readings for the day, and if your church is hip to the news, if it does a live broadcast of mass, then you can watch it from your phone with this app.

iBreviary: This app is great for those of us who forget to stick a prayer book in their purse some mornings. The iBreviary is exactly that - an electronic breviary. You've got the Office of readings, Lauds, Daytime, Vespers, and Compline prayers. You get daily mass readings as well as a listing of staple Catholic prayers (Ave Maria, Our Father, The Angelus, Hail Holy Queen, Magnificat, The Creed, Acts of Faith, Hope, Charity, Contrition, and the Consecration Prayer of the Brown Scapular). Moreover, if you're feeling frisky, you can change the vernacular from English (Spanish/Italian/French) to Latin. :)

iConfess: This is probably my most used app. Some weeks, I don't get a chance to spend a good hour reflecting on the week. This app is handy if you're driving, waiting for a table to get some lunch, or just where ever. It's just a simple tool to help a person examine his or her consciousness via The Ten Commandments, The Seven Deadly Sins, Sins against Heaven, Confession, the Holy Spirit, the Precepts of the Catholic Church, and Nine ways to be an accessory to other's sins. If I find myself pressed to go to confession, but I don't have an hour to spare, I can start with one tab, and the app lists several questions to ask myself. If I answer yes to anything, I hit the TAG button at the bottom of the screen. When I close the app, the number of topics I've tagged will come up in a red bubble reminding me, "hey you, get your butt to a booth!" When I open the app, it instantly displays what topics I tagged on the home screen, so I can quickly recall what sins I committed.

I'll post pictures in a bit of what these apps look like, but I think they're quite handy. They are all available the iTunes store (free) for less than 5.00. And while they are more expensive than most apps out there, if we use these apps to help us grow spiritually, then we are dealing with the eternal salvation of one's soul, and there's no price on that.

P.S. Upon further review, J is almost convinced to get an iPhone.

To the Missions?

Something crazy is happening to me: I'm falling in love with the idea of being a lay mission volunteer. As a job. For a living.

This idea was totally, totally unexpected, and of course, I have to do more thinking and praying, but the desire to just "do it" is continually growing.

There is a great site called Catholic Volunteer Network Service, and if you've never looked at it, I think you should! It lists all the Catholic missions in the US who accept lay volunteers and the places they minister to. Most of these missions are run by nuns, friars, jesuits, priests, etc. They help the poor and impoverished. They help women and children. You can choose from programs that last for a week up to two years. Most programs will accept married couples with no children. Lots of missions will give you a stipend, health insurance, and a place to live, usually among the religious you are working for. Throughout the year, the programs offer retreats and courses in which you can grow spiritually. I think if you're looking to do something for the summer or spring break, you should definitely look into one of these programs.

As a young person, I was rather idealistic. I thought, if I'm not helping others, I'm not helping myself. I used to volunteer a lot through organizations at school. Somehow, I lost that attitude when I got to college. Probably because everyone was breathing down my neck telling me I needed "to be a strong, independent, self-realized woman who could make her own money and way in life" and that "I didn't need no man." What silly advice. I realize those people had the best intentions, but really...

When I look around at my situation now compared to the people I would be helping, I think, "well, crap. I don't have it great, but I don't have it bad either." It was almost as if a burden had been lifted from me right then. I think, with the exception of a few, few things which are really just sentimental, if my house were to burn down, I'd be upset over the loss of my "things," but I wouldn't miss them. I wouldn't spend my life going about trying to replace them (maybe my degrees and my baptismal certificate). I could give away all my "things," and I would be ok. I pretty much live on next to nothing right now, and if I was given a place to live (which is half of all my bills) and food to eat (which these places provide), I could do it. I almost feel as if God is saying, "HEY SILLY, this is why you can't get a job. This is why I've been taking material things away from you. I've been preparing you for a life poverty and charity."

Moreover, the opportunities for me as a teacher are increased as well. Lots of programs offer the ability to work in a university or Catholic school setting with children who are living in impoverished areas, are in need of food, and are in need of education because their parents don't teach them English. I can only imagine how great it would be to teach a child like this (most of these schools are one-to-one learning). I have no joy in my job because I do care if my students learn or not; they don't. The average public school kid comes from a working class family and sees education as a right, not a privilege, and this mentality effects their classroom performance. But for these children, education is still a privilege. Granted, there would probably be a few exceptions as there is with anything, I think on the whole, most of these children would be overjoyed and excited to learn. I would be overjoyed and excited to teach children like that.

The more and more I think about this, the more I can't help but smile and feel joy, which is a very welcomed feeling considering how I've been feeling for the past couple of days. The weird thing about it is, I never would have considered this an option had J not brought up the idea of him becoming a priest again (<---- yes, you read that right. J is considering the priesthood. This is a major reason why we aren't married yet). It was originally sort of a backup plan if he does finally decide to go off to seminary to get me past myself, to get out of this city, and to force me out of my own self misery (because I know I would wallow in it) having to serve others who are less fortunate that I have been in my life. But the more I think about it, the more I think I might do it regardless of the outcome because, well, I just want to. I want to live a quiet life with brothers and sisters. I want to give to people who don't have much. I'm sure my parents will throw a fit and call me crazy again. They are so proud that I have my masters and work in a college. It would break their heart if I left, but they just don't understand a Catholic life. Oh well. Wouldn't be the first time. Probably won't be the last. I'll probably just look like the crazy nuts, liberal arts, bohemian child that they (mistakenly) had. (I kid!)

Which this is all so funny because while I was at the shrine, for no particular reason other than they didn't have Saint Veronica (see station 6 of Stations of the cross), and I think we are very similar in attitudes, I bought a Saint Therese of Lisieux medal who is none other than the patron saint of the missions! So I suppose I should end this with a small petition to her.

Saint Therese of Lisieux, Patron Saint of the Missions, pray for us!

Incoherent Ramblings

Warning: this post will not make much sense, nor should it. I'm just emptying my brain and heart out so I can sleep some tonight. Feel free to skip this post.

April is either going to be an extremely joyful or extremely painful month for me because that's when a big decision will be made.

For now, I'm in a weird place. Live life normally, hope for the best, be prepared for the worst.

All I can tell myself is increase the sacraments and increase prayer. Now is not the time to be lax or fall off the wagon.

And Thank God (i mean that, literally and very reverently) that I do have Catholic friends because they will understand if it comes to be a certain way. Because everyone else I know can't and won't understand. Catholicism truly calls a person to a different mindset and a different way of life, and if you've ever tried explaining adoration or the meaning of suffering to a non-catholic, you know what I mean because trying to explain a Catholic lifestyle to a non-Catholic person is like talking to a brick wall.

And even though I'm uncertain about what's going to happen, I'm really not worried about it. Because I know I'm taken care of and because God loves me. Before I converted, I used to flip out without a plan, and I think it was because I knew I had no one but myself. But I'm not experiencing that fear right now. I'm confident that I will be ok because I do have Jesus.

I was really blessed today. I was not alone. Had I spent the day at my house, I think I would have found a bottle of wine, drank it all, and cried myself to sleep. But instead, I was able to play with kids and hold babies. Babies and kids love you no matter what. They give you kisses and hugs and giggles. You can't help but be happy around babies and kids. That was probably the best remedy and biggest help for me today. Also telling someone was good for me. I think if I had kept it to myself, I really would have cried all day.

Come to think about it, Easter would be an appropriate time for this decision to be made. Death and Resurrection are the themes of the season. This decision, either way when you think about it, involves Death and Resurrection in both outcomes. How funny our lives are. Oddly enough, I have some sort of peace right now, knowing that at Easter, I will be experiencing my own death and resurrection right along with Jesus.

Truly, we are not alone in our struggles.

Goodnight cyberspace. Sweet dreams.

less than 3,

V

Prayers

Please pray for a special intention that I have. I would really appreciate it.

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

Told you I was saving a good one!

Praise Be to God

J and I went on a little day trip/adventure today. we went to the Our Lady of the Angels Monastery and shrine in Hanceville, Alabama today.

It was a wonderful day! So blessed. Really, truly, so blessed. And I got to do two things on my "Catholic bucket list." (My Catholic bucket list are things I want to do as a Catholic before I die).

I was able to check off lighting a candle and offering a prayer (which I now realize I can do at St. Joe's) AND I got to confess in a pre-vatican II style confessional. LIKE THE MOVIES! YESSSSSS.

Anyway, more to report and pictures tomorrow. I must say my prayers before I fall asleep and can't say them.

Needless to say, this trip was exactly what I needed to get me ready for Spiritual Break.

Mobile Blogging

Cause I'm a tech nerd like that. :P

Expect updates on this post today with blogs, pictures, and maybe, if I can get J to agree to do it, video!

less than three,

V

Spring Break? --> Spiritual Break

Ok, so I've totally fallen off the wagon as I am apt to do. Work has caused somewhat of a minor meltdown in the last few weeks, and I've gipped God on hours of prayer for the retreat. As a result, I've been skipping out on Ignatius classes on Tuesday. The first week I was doing mid-terms; the second I was doing paper work that was given to me that day to be done before we let out for the week. I'm really tempted not to go back because I'm totally a slacker Catholic (maybe that should be the name of this blog! HA!) and I'm so far behind.

On the other hand, this is probably exactly what the enemy wants - an Ignatius Retreat Dropout. Or maybe I'm just hard headed cause my parents raised me not to be a quitter. Or maybe I feel like I just can't quit Jesus cause he would never quit on me. But here's my plan:

Turn Spring Break --> into --> Spiritual Break

I'm not that far behind, but I am behind a good amount of hours thanks to all the unexpected work I had to do in the last two weeks. I figure I can marathon it up this week (like a traditional retreat) and catch myself up. I still may not show up for tomorrow night's class, however, cause I still feel rather sheepish. I wouldn't want to present the image that I'm all caught up when I'm not.

Needless to say, I feel like I'm going to be running a spiritual marathon. I'm probably going to do three hours a day - morning, lunch, and evening. And I'm kicking the week off with confession in Hanceville at the Our Lady of the Angels Monastery and mass.

I feel like this entire thing is steering me towards my vocation. The few times I have been able to participate in an hour, it always seems to come back to my vocation. During one hour, I had the sudden realization that maybe, I can't seem to get full-time status is because this is not what God wants for me. Maybe this is just to get me by until I figure out what it is He wants me to do. That is terrifying in one aspect (that I will may not use a degree that I shelled out major money for) and amazing in another (that I have been provided for even though I'm not really doing what He wants yet).

Several weeks ago, when we first started the retreat, I had no idea what I was doing. Really, again, it was one of those things everyone else was doing, so I just did it because I thought "well I can only benefit from it." I was at adoration and doing the meditation when I just thought, "Lord, I don't even know what I want out of this. I don't even know what I want out of life, really. I just know I want to please you and join you in Heaven." Then the oddest thing happened. In my mind, I immediately began to think "John." Shrugging it off, I kept thinking about how I really, truly didn't know what I wanted to do with my life. Again, but louder, the voice in my head is saying, "John." Again, I thought, that's a funny thought and went back to previous thoughts. Finally, the voice in my head was just screaming, "John, john, john, john!" I looked up and my eyes immediately sat on the first numbers of the hymns from last Sunday - together, they were 15. Then, the voice started saying John 15. Pretty shaken at this point with no bible, I dug out my daily devotional and started flipping through the pages. At the bottom, there are always meditations, and John is pretty popular. I thought, "surely one of these will say something about John 15." Not even a second later after I had thought about that, a coupon I had stuck in the book fell out. I flipped to where it had been. I had read the right hand side page earlier; the left side had been blocked by the coupon. The left hand side's meditation was this - "Jesus usually asks us the obvious. What do you desire?" At the bottom of the page, the scriptural meditation was John 15! I was shocked. I thought, you got to be kidding me, right? I was just asking you this! (Astonished exclamation there, not sarcastic). I think I actually cried a bit. The other person there must have thought I was somewhat crazy or sentimental.

Since that point, I have continually been drawn back to thoughts of writing as a career. I honestly don't know what to do with all these realizations; I guess that is why I feel like I need to finish the retreat. I feel in my bones that God is trying to tell me something, but I'm letting all this other stuff get me distracted or discourage me. I've got to have the courage to finish, maybe on my own time frame, and I've got to take this free time this week and use it wisely. If I am a hermit and no fun to be around, please excuse me!

Most of all, as I stated earlier, Jesus wouldn't quit on me. He didn't NOT go to the cross after expressing that he really wished "this cup would pass from me (to paraphrase badly)." After all He's done for me, I can't quit on him. And I won't.

A Metaphysical Job Search

I should be asleep, considering I have to get up at 5:30 - 6:00ish tomorrow morning. But it's raining, I'm scared of thunder, and I'm up lesson planning anyway.

I spent my day teaching and my entire night filing paperwork that got dropped on me today, which is due before the break as well as preparing two lectures for tomorrow's classes. I have stacks and stacks of papers that need to be graded and filed into student files, but I won't make it there tonight.

In some ways, teaching is the most unrewarding job ever. You're never done. Never. There's always something to grade, some paperwork to file, some lecture to prepare, some student e-mail to respond to. You spend the days teaching and your nights grading. Students don't care about learning even if you try to make it fun and informal. They see college in consumeristic terms; I bought the course, so give me a passing grade. And then if the teacher doesn't give them the best "customer service" (i.e. the customer is always right) then they get upset. Don't get me wrong - I DO love the people I work with. I could not ask to be in a better place, and I feel VERY blessed that I even have a job at all. But in terms of what I was meant to do, I'm not so sure if this was what God had picked out for me.

Most days I wonder if I'm in the right vocation. I do a decent job, but I really don't think I was cut out to be a teacher. I don't love it; I don't hate it. I'm just kind of like "meh, whatever." Don't get me wrong, there are moments when I walk away feeling good about it, but more often than not, I could really care less. I just became a teacher because that's what everyone said I should do, and my teachers told me I did well in English (that is subjectively, of course, when compared to my peers). That's pretty much been the story of my life. I just do whatever people tell me to because it would be good for me. Converting to Catholicism was something most people told me not to do, and it was probably the first thing I ever truly did for me, and the best thing I've done in my life so far.

Then I see things like my old thesis director has published a new book, and my heart sinks a little. Not because I'm jealous, but because I'm mad at myself for not trying harder or being more talented because that's what I really wanted to be when I grew up - I wanted to be a writer. But since my thesis, I can't even bring myself to read a book, much less pick one up or to try to write a story. Somehow, all the words have flown away from my head, and I feel as if I'll never get them back. Still, there is this deep, abiding desire to write. I find myself longing for my word processor but unable to face it.

I couldn't tell you if being a writer is my vocation. All I know is it's something I've wanted to do since I was young. I've been writing since I was thirteen. It seems to be all I know. And yet the whole thing seems so absolutely hopeless. Every time I sit myself down to write, I stare at a blinking cursor. I type, delete, retype, delete, and finally, shut down the computer because I think "I have no stories to tell anymore."

On a separate but related note, I feel guilty I haven't made it to the past two lenten retreats, but it seems like work is taking over my life. I totally spaced out on adoration tonight because I was filing paperwork. And I feel spiritually spent from this retreat. Joshua and I are pretty sure I'm ADD (no, seriously. I just refuse to go to the doctor because I don't want to take medicine), so sitting still for an hour for me is complicated enough without all of work bearing down on me. I just want spring break to get here, so I can be a vegetable, do nothing, think about nothing, but I know this is not a healthy attitude. I could probably have avoided this whole pitfall had I been keeping myself up spiritually, but sometimes, it's hard. I'm so easily distracted and discouraged.

But most of all, I have to wonder, if I'm the easily distracted type, is this he-who-shall-not-be-named's way of getting at me? If I really desire to be a writer, is all this other junk that's being thrown at me a diversionary tactic preventing me from finish the retreat? Are outside forces making me feel incompetent as a writer when I know I'm not?

Miss O'Connor, what would you tell me? I'm sure you're in Heaven, and if ever there were a patron saint of short story writers, it would be you. (SN: if you've never read Flannery O'Connor, you should. She is a prominent 20th century fiction writer from Georgia and a staunch Catholic with an amazing background).

And in my heart and head I feel this: Do not make decisions in desolation. Tonight I will ask God for forgiveness for being a slacker of a Catholic and letting Him down in so many ways these past couple of weeks. I will give all my sorrows about my vocation to him, not to complain, but to ask for support because I am spiritually weak and spent. I will resolve to do better in the coming weeks with His help. I will thank Him for all He has done and continues to do for me. And I will go to sleep, wake up, and try again tomorrow.