MIA or AWOL. You decide.

Obviously, I haven't been posting. It's not that I haven't had thoughts or have wanted to share them or needed to get them down, but it's more that I've stopped pushing myself. Or rather, I needed a break after everything that has happened this year.

I know Advent is coming. I know I'm supposed to be anxiously awaiting and excited and joyful.

But if I'm honest with myself and with you, I'm not. I couldn't care less. For the past four or five years, I've entered this season hoping for new beginnings, clean slates, and chances for my life to get better. Every year, it hasn't. It hasn't gotten better; some years it got worse. Some years, I broke even.

But after all this, I don't expect or wait or hope for anything anymore. Lately, I have just been trusting that this is my path and the load I'm expected to carry.

That makes things a lot simpler, but it also makes me apathetic at times. Regardless, I'm thankful for what I do have.

To be honest, Christmas is great, but I don't think it's what I need right now. I'm spiritually and emotionally spent. I need a renewal, a recommitment, a moment to suck it up and reconcile with God and say "okay, I'm over being mad at you." And that, to me, sounds more like Easter. So maybe that is what my Advent will be. Waiting and preparing for Lent and Easter and a chance to pick up where I left off.