Merry Merry Christmas!

Sometimes, all you really need in life is to go to mass and receive the Eucharist.

I swear, some days, it's the only thing that keeps me going.

Praise be to God for His wonderful Christmas gift to the human race.

Come On, Skinny Love.

I'm waiting to go to midnight mass, and I feel really odd.

There are times in my life I feel so completely alone. Tonight is one of those times even though I know there are people who love and care for me, Earthly and Heavenly.

My family couldn't do anything for Christmas Eve, but I'll see them tomorrow. Mainly, my brothers are either working or spending time with their girlfriends. My roommate is with her family. My friends are with their families or boyfriend's or girlfriend's families or spending time with their brand new babies.

And I. am. here. alone.

And I can't help but think about Heathcliff. This will be my first Christmas in three years, my first Christmas since being Catholic that he will not be sitting beside me. Out of morbid curiosity, I looked up his blog. All he writes about is other girls. He doesn't miss me. He doesn't miss me at all. I know I'm ripping off scabs, pulling out sutures, and pouring salt in the wounds, but I needed to know. I needed to see it. So I can do all that crap where I tell myself I'm strong, I'm fine, I'm okay. Fake it till I make it. And most days, I'm good. But there are moments. Because when I get that tinge of sadness thinking I miss him every now and then, I can remind myself, he sure as hell doesn't miss me, and he checked out for the last year and a half of the relationship. He's not sitting around pining away over me; I shouldn't be doing the same.

Combine this with the fact that I had to go to Starkville to visit a friend and her new baby, and everywhere I went in town was filled with nothing but memories of him, and I guess the scenery just dredged up latent, unconscious feelings. Out of sight, out of mind. I must remember that.

I think he was the first boy I ever really knew how to love. And I think it was always so easy to move on with other boys because I didn't love them like I loved him.

I guess I'm just sad, and it's an authentic sad (not apathetic, depression sad).

It feels like I'm still grieving losing someone I really loved. And I guess that's what I'm still doing. I think that's one of the reasons why I haven't been able to move on from Columbus yet.

So I'm going to go midnight mass, probably a little sad. I might tear up a bit because I'll be by myself. No friends, no family, no boyfriend. But I will be ok because I will be given the best gift one could be given at Christmas: Baby Jesus, the Eucharist, the one who gives us hope.

And that's all I need for the new year - hope.

Progress Report

Lately, people around the internet have been doing a good job of reminding me about one of God's greatest gifts: peace.

I knew when I moved from Starkville to Columbus, I was making the right decision. I was apprehensive, but I was at peace about it. Confident, almost. Excited. Like a little kid holding her breath for the end of the train. Knowing you could make it, but still, not so sure.

And I've loved being here. I really have. I've got a strong feeling of community, learned how to have confidence and a backbone, formed some really strong friendships, become more outgoing, and have had some really good times.

But I can't help but feel this is a place I felt I was put just to learn those things. A transitional place. Kinda like a train station. Just waiting for my next ride to show up.

And I know, I've felt it in my bones for a long time now, that I'm ready to go wherever. But I can't help but still feel Columbus has a few more things to teach me before I can set off in the big, wide world on my own.

A while back, I mentioned I was looking for somewhere bigger, somewhere that would offer me an adventure. And I know I've mentioned several times that I'm going to Ireland for spring break (I'm halfway to my monetary goal). But I feel like that trip would be a test run to really see if I'm ready for my big adventure, and it's one of the many reasons why it's so important that I go.

But I have the same feeling about this next move. I just know in my heart of hearts I'm not meant to be here right now. I think I'll wind back up in Mississippi in the long run, but I'm oddly at peace with the fact that I'll be moving again soon.

Now, if I could just learn to read the same sensations of peace with boys, I'd be doing well for myself. But that's another blog for another night.

Is It Possible?

Do you think it's possible to find someone over the internet completely haphazardly?  Or rather, have someone find you? 

Who seems genuinely interested in you. 

Who shares a lot of common interests but is different enough to keep it interesting.

Who is smart enough but not so smart that he is socially stunted. 

Who is super cute and consistently tells you that you are super cute. 

Who lives half a world away but stays up until 2 a.m. his time to have conversations with you. 

I've never even heard his voice. We both have indicated we like each other, but we know a sea separates us. He wants me to stop by to say hi and go hang out while I'm in Dublin for spring break. But I'm hesitant. That's an awful long way to go for a boy, and this trip to Dublin is supposed to be about me being okay with me. 

I'd feel like an idiot not to go say hi and see what it would be like if we were together in person. He's in England, and I'd literally be an hour away. And it's not like I haven't tried to find someone around here. Every weekend, two nights a week, I'm doing something, putting myself out there, meeting boys, and making friends but there are just no sparks. None. 

But him, there's sparks. It's such a peculiar situation. 

Is it possible God might use the internet to bring someone into your life?  At this point, I'm open for whatever God wants to send my way. But I keep asking myself is this possible?