I've had pretty good days this past week. In fact, it's odd because I'd say in general my days are more good than bad or apathetic as they used to be. I'm happy with my job, my living arrangement, and I'm actually kinda happy being single. I mean, sure, I wouldn't mind a cute boy to buy me dinner and a movie every now and then, but for the most part, I'm keeping busy and happy on my own.
I'm learning more about myself than I ever really knew. For instance, I did not know the following about myself:
1. I like folk music and old country music.
2. I like floral print.
3. I like awkward, quirky, cult comedies.
4. I like hipster clothing and house decorations, even though I'm totally not a hipster.
5. I like being able to walk places, even if it's 100 degrees out.
I really haven't been anxious about anyone or anything except for the other night for just an hour or two.
And I feel like I've been more spiritually productive than I have in a long time.
I've heard Father say it before that if a person is depressed, then their spiritual life will suffer. I can't help but think that held true for me. Moreover, I've been diligent about taking my medicine, but I've also had to become more disciplined. Many doctors and therapists recommend exercise, a balanced diet, and strangely enough, sunshine to keep a chemically imbalanced person even keeled. I've been trying to do these things, as well as at least go to Mass three times a week.
I guess all I'm trying to say is while I still wrestle with situations and things and feelings in my heart an head, overall, I'm happy. And that's something I haven't had in a long, long time.
Thanks be to God.
Less than 3,
V.
6/24/2011
6/21/2011
Desert Unicorn Prayers
Today, I went all dolled up to mass. In the pouring rain no less. I went because I find myself doing better when I receive communion more often than not, but I must admit, I did have an ulterior motive.
Cute (devout) Catholic boys would probably be there.
And so off I go in makeup and hair and cute casual outfit, and I'll be darned if the priest was the only male there. That would be my luck. Apparently, in Mississippi, a cute, not-lapsed, devout Catholic boy is like a unicorn: it's magical and beautiful and NON-EXISTENT. (And mass only lasted fifteen minutes. No lie. Fifteen minutes! Is that even allowed?!)
Then again, I've really been trying to quiet my mind and filter out all the noise in my life lately. I've been trying to find my desert. I can't say I've for sure found it yet, but I think I'm getting there. And while on my way, it seems I've just picked up on a few things. I can't really explain them; they aren't feelings or thoughts, it's more just like it was knowledge just presented to me, and I just trust it. They are as follows:
As much as I want to be married, I'm not ready. How can I be ready to marry someone when I'm not even sure who I am? But everyday I'm single, I find out a bit more about myself. I grow a bit more as a Catholic girl. If I allow God to help me make the best version of me, I'll be better for my husband if and when that time comes.
On a similar note, it seems that just knowing he's the one is a supernatural gift from God. Worrying about it is useless. Worrying is a man's way of trying to affect a situation for the outcome he desires. Worrying is essentially a distrust in God. Faith, on the other hand, accepts this supernatural gift and follows through on it. Now I really get why people used to frequently refer to marriage as a "leap of faith." It is completely an act of faith to believe that God has picked out a certain person for you and then marry that person.
I've really, really struggled in my prayer life since becoming Catholic. I always feel like my prayers are useless, ill-worded, and just plain not good enough. I never know what to say, and there's only so many rote prayers you can say before you're just going through the motions. I'm glad to have encountered the message that prayer is learned quite a few places this week. I'm still working on it, but I'm trying.
Not only that, but Jesus knows our hearts, and He loves us. I know that sometimes, when you love someone dearly, you can just be in the same room with him and know exactly what he is feeling and thinking. Imagine that brought to perfection! Maybe this is part of what contemplation is - being content of sitting in the same room with someone who loves you more than you know, more than you can imagine. Someone who just wants to sit in silence with you, who doesn't even need you to speak to express your desires. Someone who knows your desires before you even realized you wanted that desire for yourself. Jesus can do these things for us if only we would let him, if only we would learn how.
Less than 3,
V.
Cute (devout) Catholic boys would probably be there.
And so off I go in makeup and hair and cute casual outfit, and I'll be darned if the priest was the only male there. That would be my luck. Apparently, in Mississippi, a cute, not-lapsed, devout Catholic boy is like a unicorn: it's magical and beautiful and NON-EXISTENT. (And mass only lasted fifteen minutes. No lie. Fifteen minutes! Is that even allowed?!)
Then again, I've really been trying to quiet my mind and filter out all the noise in my life lately. I've been trying to find my desert. I can't say I've for sure found it yet, but I think I'm getting there. And while on my way, it seems I've just picked up on a few things. I can't really explain them; they aren't feelings or thoughts, it's more just like it was knowledge just presented to me, and I just trust it. They are as follows:
As much as I want to be married, I'm not ready. How can I be ready to marry someone when I'm not even sure who I am? But everyday I'm single, I find out a bit more about myself. I grow a bit more as a Catholic girl. If I allow God to help me make the best version of me, I'll be better for my husband if and when that time comes.
On a similar note, it seems that just knowing he's the one is a supernatural gift from God. Worrying about it is useless. Worrying is a man's way of trying to affect a situation for the outcome he desires. Worrying is essentially a distrust in God. Faith, on the other hand, accepts this supernatural gift and follows through on it. Now I really get why people used to frequently refer to marriage as a "leap of faith." It is completely an act of faith to believe that God has picked out a certain person for you and then marry that person.
I've really, really struggled in my prayer life since becoming Catholic. I always feel like my prayers are useless, ill-worded, and just plain not good enough. I never know what to say, and there's only so many rote prayers you can say before you're just going through the motions. I'm glad to have encountered the message that prayer is learned quite a few places this week. I'm still working on it, but I'm trying.
Not only that, but Jesus knows our hearts, and He loves us. I know that sometimes, when you love someone dearly, you can just be in the same room with him and know exactly what he is feeling and thinking. Imagine that brought to perfection! Maybe this is part of what contemplation is - being content of sitting in the same room with someone who loves you more than you know, more than you can imagine. Someone who just wants to sit in silence with you, who doesn't even need you to speak to express your desires. Someone who knows your desires before you even realized you wanted that desire for yourself. Jesus can do these things for us if only we would let him, if only we would learn how.
Less than 3,
V.
6/19/2011
The Desert Is Calling Me.
I'll be the first person to admit that I'm naive, gullible, and dense. Just the other day, I was out with some friends, and I had a two minute long delay understanding the topic at hand. So these qualities, especially being so dense, can kind of make it hard for me to see and hear God, especially if He whispers, which I think most of the time, He is inclined to do.
I think God has pity on poor dense me though; often times, I feel like I get hit over the head with a frying pan with a certain messages. This past Lent, everywhere I turned, I ran into the phrase, "happiness is a choice."
Now, I keep running into the idea of the desert. It first started here. And then about two or three weeks ago it was mentioned in a homily. And then father mentioned it last week in the Adult Catechism class. And I was browsing the Catholic book section of Books A Million last tuesday, and I opened it to a page about going to the desert of oneself to pray. This is one of those times that I keep seeing the idea come up so much, there has to be something to it. I think God is calling me to the desert - my desert so that I can hear Him, listen to Him, and do His will. So that I can better learn how to pray.
Prayer is always something I have struggled with, mainly because what I was taught of prayer growing up was pray what you feel, ask God for what you want. If you're in His good graces, He'll bless you. Vending machine God, basically. But somewhere along the line in college, I figured out on my own that shouldn't be how it goes. But heck if I knew how to pray or where to find some guidance.
I'm good at sporadic prayer. I'm good at short little one liners during the day when I have a trying student, and I'm alright at remembering my nightly prayers. Sometimes I pass out saying them. I'm awful at morning prayers. I'm awful in the morning period. I'm lucky if I remember to say a Hail Mary on the drive to work I'm so grumpy and groggy. I try to sit and listen and do contemplative prayer, but I get restless. And for some reason, the Rosary relaxes me so much, I always pass out before finishing the third or fourth decade. I have an odd feeling if I make it to purgatory, (fingers crossed!), I'm going to have to finish all my unfinished rosaries.
I have no idea what God is going to tell me when I find my desert or how long I'll have to wait before He speaks. I'm a little scared actually. But also excited. And hopeful. I've really been trying to relinquish the need to control every aspect of my life, and as Father John said the other day, "allow God to surprise [me]." I feel like something big is coming, and I really think it is going to surprise me. But I also think it's going to entail a bit more of change and growing pains.
The desert is calling me, and I'm going, fingers crossed and holding my breath.
Less than 3,
V.
I think God has pity on poor dense me though; often times, I feel like I get hit over the head with a frying pan with a certain messages. This past Lent, everywhere I turned, I ran into the phrase, "happiness is a choice."
Now, I keep running into the idea of the desert. It first started here. And then about two or three weeks ago it was mentioned in a homily. And then father mentioned it last week in the Adult Catechism class. And I was browsing the Catholic book section of Books A Million last tuesday, and I opened it to a page about going to the desert of oneself to pray. This is one of those times that I keep seeing the idea come up so much, there has to be something to it. I think God is calling me to the desert - my desert so that I can hear Him, listen to Him, and do His will. So that I can better learn how to pray.
Prayer is always something I have struggled with, mainly because what I was taught of prayer growing up was pray what you feel, ask God for what you want. If you're in His good graces, He'll bless you. Vending machine God, basically. But somewhere along the line in college, I figured out on my own that shouldn't be how it goes. But heck if I knew how to pray or where to find some guidance.
I'm good at sporadic prayer. I'm good at short little one liners during the day when I have a trying student, and I'm alright at remembering my nightly prayers. Sometimes I pass out saying them. I'm awful at morning prayers. I'm awful in the morning period. I'm lucky if I remember to say a Hail Mary on the drive to work I'm so grumpy and groggy. I try to sit and listen and do contemplative prayer, but I get restless. And for some reason, the Rosary relaxes me so much, I always pass out before finishing the third or fourth decade. I have an odd feeling if I make it to purgatory, (fingers crossed!), I'm going to have to finish all my unfinished rosaries.
I have no idea what God is going to tell me when I find my desert or how long I'll have to wait before He speaks. I'm a little scared actually. But also excited. And hopeful. I've really been trying to relinquish the need to control every aspect of my life, and as Father John said the other day, "allow God to surprise [me]." I feel like something big is coming, and I really think it is going to surprise me. But I also think it's going to entail a bit more of change and growing pains.
The desert is calling me, and I'm going, fingers crossed and holding my breath.
Less than 3,
V.
6/09/2011
Am I growing up as a Catholic?
Somedays, submitting your will to God's will . . .
just plain sucks.
If your will doesn't match up with His, that is. I really, really wanted this one thing to happen. And it almost did, but now it's not. Events did a complete 180. And it's just not right or fair or even makes sense!
I've been a good little girl though and following along, even though my heart completely wants to do something else. I've reasoned through it with this brain God gave me, prayed about it, and I decided to back off and just leave it alone. This is abnormal for me. Old me would have completely been gung ho and not contemplate anything.
Crazy thing is, I'm getting confirmations (in the Ignatian sense) left and right that I made the right decision, and I'm following God's will for me.
So after all of that, why do I still want to be disobedient? Why do I still want to want what's bad for me?
Somedays, I just want to hit my head against a wall. Today, I think I will.
Growing pains suck.
Aside from how this entry sounds, I'm very happy in my new place. I just needed a place to vent for a minute.
Less than 3,
V.
just plain sucks.
If your will doesn't match up with His, that is. I really, really wanted this one thing to happen. And it almost did, but now it's not. Events did a complete 180. And it's just not right or fair or even makes sense!
I've been a good little girl though and following along, even though my heart completely wants to do something else. I've reasoned through it with this brain God gave me, prayed about it, and I decided to back off and just leave it alone. This is abnormal for me. Old me would have completely been gung ho and not contemplate anything.
Crazy thing is, I'm getting confirmations (in the Ignatian sense) left and right that I made the right decision, and I'm following God's will for me.
So after all of that, why do I still want to be disobedient? Why do I still want to want what's bad for me?
Somedays, I just want to hit my head against a wall. Today, I think I will.
Growing pains suck.
Aside from how this entry sounds, I'm very happy in my new place. I just needed a place to vent for a minute.
Less than 3,
V.
6/03/2011
Fish Friday (Without Fish)
I don't know why it's so hard for people to be honest.
Well, I do. We can point the fingers to original sin for our inclination and predilection towards evil.
But I guess after being Baptized, I do see how it seems to be easier for me to be honest in matters big and small whereas before, I had no problem with being dishonest. I can't be too angry at the unbaptized and ignorant because they really don't know any better. More so, I'd rather have pity on them and forgive them. It still doesn't change the fact that lies hurt. And when I start to feel myself inclined to lie, I'll remember this feeling, and hopefully, by the Grace of God, my mouth will speak the Truth.
I've been wearing my St. Therese medal lately because I felt like I needed the patron Saint of the Little Way to give me encouragement to do small acts with great love. I feel like she's helped me accomplish that.
I've also tried to go to mass daily with special intentions, and I've been lighting candles as much as I possibly can. Asking the Holy Mother for help. Asking Jesus for peace about the whole thing.
And I've finally got it. I can't say it was the answer I was hoping and praying for, but it definitely gives me peace, and that is, ultimately, what I desire.
Thanks Be to God.
Well, I do. We can point the fingers to original sin for our inclination and predilection towards evil.
Fish Friday - noodles, rotel, Tony's spice, and velveeta. This can't be healthy for you.
But I guess after being Baptized, I do see how it seems to be easier for me to be honest in matters big and small whereas before, I had no problem with being dishonest. I can't be too angry at the unbaptized and ignorant because they really don't know any better. More so, I'd rather have pity on them and forgive them. It still doesn't change the fact that lies hurt. And when I start to feel myself inclined to lie, I'll remember this feeling, and hopefully, by the Grace of God, my mouth will speak the Truth.
I've been wearing my St. Therese medal lately because I felt like I needed the patron Saint of the Little Way to give me encouragement to do small acts with great love. I feel like she's helped me accomplish that.
I've also tried to go to mass daily with special intentions, and I've been lighting candles as much as I possibly can. Asking the Holy Mother for help. Asking Jesus for peace about the whole thing.
And I've finally got it. I can't say it was the answer I was hoping and praying for, but it definitely gives me peace, and that is, ultimately, what I desire.
Thanks Be to God.
6/01/2011
A Quick Thought Before I Sleep
Reading Thomas Merton again. If you haven't read him, you seriously should. I haven't read him since I first seriously began wanting to convert. Here is something I found today that rings so true with me:
"The desert is the home of despair. And, now, despair is everywhere...This, then, is our desert: to live facing despair, but not to consent [to it]. To trample it down under hope in the Cross. To wage war against despair unceasingly. That war is our wilderness. If we wage it courageously, we will find Christ at our side. If we cannot face it, we will never find Him."
Less than 3,
V.
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