A Round-About Thank You

It's been rough lately, but I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, emotionally and financially. Payday is around the corner, and I'm very excited for it.

This weekend has been a mix of emotions for me - mostly between total apathy, frustration, and satisfaction.  I've had a few crying spells, slept straight for a few days. I've tried to help myself by forcing myself to get up and do things, but it's only so effective. Good news is the makers of my medicine will provide my it to me as a charity since I don't have insurance!

Thursday, I sent a link via email to Heathcliff in order to open up a dialogue with him to tell him that I found a keepsake of his.  I wanted to say, "hey I know this is important to you. Let me send it back."  Instead, the response I got (verbatim) was, "Hey. Thanks. This [link] is great. Hope all is well or better or something."  I don't know if he meant for it to cut or not; at least, I'm trying hard to give him the benefit of the doubt.  I feel like he tries to pretend I didn't exist or happen, which is not fair.  I exist; we were together. I admit it to potential dates if they ask; I feel like he should be able to as well, even if he does feel I was a huge mistake.

Friday I was accused by my landlord of stealing quarters out of the coin operated laundry machine.  I've never been accused of such a thing in my life. I was flabbergasted. I tried to explain my side (apparently the machine is broke because I always fed it quarters, but it wouldn't take them), but she didn't buy my story, and she wants me to back pay her for laundry since June, so I think I'll be moving soon.  (She also has rationed our water usage to washing dishes once a week and baths once a day, even though we pay for it in rent, and we do this anyway). :\

I've pretty much decided as of late that I want out of my profession.  I am not cut out to be a teacher.  In addition, my boss confided in my that there won't be another open position for another 2-3 years.  I've set my sights on the publishing industry.  Of course, when I'm feeling low and lonely, I call my mom for reassurance, but it didn't do much good to talk to her this weekend.  I really wasn't met with much reassurance or support.  Or comfort really.  Which is why I think I blog it all out.

Today, I went to mass, and I'm a CYO Leader. It was a good time and actually made me smile and laugh (and it's funny how these days I'm quite aware of when I smile and laugh).  But God has a funny sense of humor or else He really wants me to learn humility.  I'm sure you all remember my story back in May about a certain boy and his certain ex-girlfriend.  Her younger sister was in my CYO group tonight. Ha! I like the kid though.  She's alright.

I want you all to know that I appreciate you reading my blog.  I'm thankful for the times you have fed me, spent time with me, talked to me, and been friends with me. Somedays, I feel like I don't have very many people in my corner, even my own family at times.  I just want you to know that I'm very thankful to have people like you in my life, and I hope someday to pay it forward.

Mississippi Amendment 26

Hi.

I'm Veronica.

26 year old celibate female. I don't use oral contraceptives. I never have.  Since I was twelve, I didn't believe in it.

Why? Thanks to the internets and a holistic view on medicine, I decided a long time ago, it wasn't safe.  My position is only further strengthened by my Catholic faith.

Currently, making the rounds on facebook, you'll see many people doing the social media blitz for Mississippians against amendment 26. Amendment 26 seeks to implement what a person is. Mainly, girls are all up in a tizzy because their oral contraceptives could be taken away from them due to the loose wording.

Granted, as a Catholic, I should whole heartedly be for this amendment, and theoretically I am.

BUT...

What I do not like is that we are trying to make the laws of man, the laws of God. In a perfect world, that would be one and the same. (Some days, I think that is exactly what Heaven is).  But when laws like this are made, I feel like they run against our Christian mission.

Even if people are not religious, most morally ethical people, agnostics, and even the atheists, follow the rules of man.  Thus, when we enact laws like this, we're forcing the very souls we're trying to win over into subscribing to our belief system when they aren't ready or willing to yet. In turn, that only causes more animosity towards the cause.

I think it's much better and more fruitful to our Christian mission to live out the Gospel in our every day lives, almost quietly. There's no need for big laws or mandates; let the Holy Spirit work through you.

Since I became Catholic (that's three years if you are counting), I haven't had sex. Not for a lack of want, but because I do not want to have a baby, I do not believe oral contraceptives are safe (in fact, most hormonal pills aren't safe for women, but the insurance companies have found ways about hiding the facts), and I do not want to be forever involved with a boy who didn't think I was worth marrying.

On a regular basis, when people my age inquire about my celibacy, I get responses of, "you go girl. you're doing better than I could do." They like the fact that I walk the walk and talk the talk. I think this does more good for the Church and her beliefs than any man-made law ever could.

The answer is simple here, to me, really. Define person as from the moment of conception, and girls, don't have sex.  But we don't live in that kind of world.  I think the best way to convince people of our Faith is to live it out, day by day, moment by moment.

"Always preach the gospel.  If necessary, use words." - St. Francis 

Shameless Plug

I've started my secular look-at-me-I-know-about-books-and-such-you-want-me-as-your-publishing-intern-blog.

Feel free to peruse, though I'm quite aware there are still some kinks in the layout.

www.alifeyoulove77.wordpress.com

Quick Takes

I really have nothing new or awesome to post these days, so here's some quick takes.

1.

There's a boy in Britain. I don't know his real name or much about where he lives or what he does or even really too much about what he looks like.  But two years ago, he started following me on twitter because "he thought I was cute, and I liked Dr. Who." Occasionally, he'll tweet me stating how "hot" or "cute" I am. So when I get rejected by boys in town, I just tell myself, "It's okay. The British boy still thinks I'm tops!"

2.

Heathcliff was kind enough to send me a happy birthday text. I found that rather odd. I mean nice gesture, but it's just odd to talk to him at all these days. That chapter of my life feels so long and forever ago. 

3. 

I'm seriously considering traveling. Alone. I've always wanted to explore the big, wide world, and though it's always nice to take your friends along, how much more of an adventure would it be to just take yourself and rely on the kindness of strangers? And I think in traveling alone, you learn a lot about yourself, and for me, right now, there is no greater adventure than that because I think for twenty-four years, I've been playing and living up to everyone's ideas of who I should be. 

4.

I'm also looking to change careers. I'm working on securing some internships in the publishing industry. I am qualified for that type of job and have actually done it before in graduate school. And the publishing industry would afford me quit a bit of mobility.  

5.

Twenty-six has been very enjoyable so far. And I'm really happy to be here. When I was a kid, I thought for sure I'd never live past twenty-five, and given the car crash I had at twenty-two, I shouldn't have. But for some reason, I feel like a huge survivor for just making it past twenty-five.

6.

Two weeks until payday.  TWO MORE WEEKS. UGH. It cannot come soon enough!

7.

I'm thinking of starting a blog specifically about nerd things. Like comic books. And Dr. Who. And Star Trek. Just for fun. And maybe bum some google ad sense revenue off it. :)

I can't wait for payday

It's emo time again. I can't wait for payday.  The first thing I will do is schedule my appointment with my doctor and refill my prescriptions. Because of my lack of paycheck and insurance, I can't afford my prescription for my anti-depressants and anti-anxiety pills. And I can most definitely tell a difference after being off them for two months. I've stared crying again for no reason.  Monday I slept all day and couldn't get out of the bed. Tuesday I wanted to sleep all day again, but the only reason I didn't is because of work. I don't feel like doing my work. I don't feel like cleaning. I just want to sit and sleep. I forced myself to go to wal-mart today and almost had a panic attack.  No particular reason, it's just wal-mart gives me the creeps, and even though I know they weren't, I felt like everyone was staring at me and following me.  The only time I feel a bit better is when I'm around friends, but most of the time, I just want to sit and sleep and do nothing.

The good thing is this time around, I realize this is not normal. I can tell this is the depression.  I can do things like eat good meals and exercise, but that only goes so far. I know there is a lot of debate out there about psychotropic medication, but I believe with me, it truly does help.

Medicine and willpower only do so much though.  At some point, you have to give it over to God.

And then only thing I can reason is that maybe God hands us troublesome situations or problems simply to teach us to rely on him to carry our burdens.  Maybe we aren't supposed to learn anything else other than that. Just the simple idea that God is enough, and He is more than enough.

If that's the case, then I'm kinda glad I have been diagnosed with chronic depression because it means I'll be constantly relying on God to the end of my days.