Birthday Birthday

What a weird birthday.

Usually, I rejoice in the fact of my getting a year older, but this year, I just haven't really cared or been that excited by it.

I mean, I have a lot of good things going on in my life right now.

I have a job I love. I have a boy I really like, who actually wants to attend mass with me to learn about the Church. I have good friends and family supporting me all around.

But I still have a lot of sadness. I think today it finally sank in that my dad is gone. For the longest time, it's just felt like he's not available - like work made him travel to Australia or Germany again, and he just hasn't been able to talk to me. But he always, always, calls me for my birthday. And he couldn't today. And he won't. And I think maybe that's the moment that I realized he's really gone. 

I've been looking for some consolation in all of this, and I think I've finally come to realize that I appreciate the man my father was for me, and I want to marry someone just like him.  Someone who loved his wife, even in her eccentricities, loved his children, and wanted to be their rock and their provider. Someone who always brought flowers and chocolate to all of the women on Valentine's Day, who always put up the Christmas tree with his children, who flew kites every May, who reprimanded us when necessary, but above all, did all of these things with love for those he loved. 

I think I've been searching for that kind of love my entire life, and I feel a little bit like Dorothy.  My heart's desire been in my own front yard this entire time, and I never really realized it until it was gone. And I know God has that kind of love too; I just wish I could feel it a bit more these days.