Yesterday, the Gospel reading at mass featured St. Luke's (partial) version of the Beatitudes. And while St. Mark expands on the line "Blessed are the poor" to include those who are downtrodden or afflicted spiritually, St. Luke features the more common meaning of poor - "not wealthy." Father did a very nice job of relating this to our current economic decline and reiterated to us that "Money should not become an idol itself." I do agree. But I would like to add something to his message. If you're poor, Jesus has got your back. He'll provide for you, but he'll only give you what you need. I know because I've experienced this many times.
I don't think I've ever been as poor as I am now. (And I use poor in a technical sense. If you look at my last fiscal year, I was either right at or right below the national poverty line. I think of people worse off than me as being impoverished. If I had money to give away to these people to help them, I would). This is quite a cultural shock (if you will allow the use of that term) for me. Again, I'm not bragging, but I came from a two earner household; I never needed or wanted for much. I asked for things, and if it was within reason, I got it, or my parents let me do some chores to earn the money. I was really spoiled.
For instance, when I went to Itawamba, my schooling, dormitory, and food was all paid for by the college via scholarships. I got a part time job and worked as much as possible. I brought home an extra 400$ before taxes, and I spent it all on clothes, gas, drinks,and food. (Hindsight: DUMB). I pretty much followed the same pattern (with some help from my parents) while at university and in graduate school.
But now, I struggle to make ends meet. There have been several times where I have cried wondering, "Bill x is due. where is this money going to come from?" and "I can't pay rent. I'm going to get evicted. where am I going to go?" My parents are no longer able to help me as one of my brothers is now in college, and my Dad's company filed for bankruptcy when the economy first crashed. My student loans are now demanding repayment, and I find myself stretched to my fiscal limits.
There have literally been times where I have had no food. I mean, really, no food, and no money to buy any food, not because I foolishly wasted my money but because that money went towards paying bills. And I would think to myself, "what am I going to eat tonight?" Amazingly enough, it seems like every time I was without food, someone from the church would invite Joshua and I over for dinner. There were times when I got home after the supper and I cried thinking, "This is how God loves me and provides for me. People in the church care about me, and they don't even know I'm on the verge of going hungry." More so, in contrast, I remember once before I became Catholic, because of a botched check, I had no money from my parents to pay for my electricity or buy groceries. (I used my paycheck to pay rent and everything else). If my memory serves me right, I went for about five days to a week without electricity, and I fed myself and my cat on cans of tuna. He got 1/4 and I got the other 3/4 of it. I do remember breaking down then and crying while holding my cat thinking, "Wow, this sucks. I don't have anyone who can help to take care of me. I mean, who's going to care for me if my own parents can't help?" It was a really sobering moment. But like I said, that's before I made Jesus a priority. It seems that every available instance afterwards where I was about to go hungry for a bit, food has magically appeared via someone at church.
In the same respect, there have also been times when money has been so tight, I truly have wondered, "OK God, where's it going to come from?" This past summer, I applied to ten different jobs, did three interviews, and all of them turned me down. I had enough money for one last month of rent before I would face eviction and be moving home. I can remember being at mass and again, almost in tears praying telling God, "Ok, God. It's do or die time. I need a job, and I needed it like yesterday if I'm going to stick around in Starkville." I kid you not- the next day my current employer calls me and says, "if you'll come down here to fill out paperwork, you've got a job."
Not too long ago, I was told my paternal grandmother had a bond for me that was of a decent sum. I told my Dad when he went down, he should get that money for me, so I could put it into a savings if I needed to get to it. He came, and he went, and he did not return with the money. In January, he went again. I thought I was getting paid February first, and my savings was running out. Then, my Dad went down to see his father again, and guess what - my Daddy stopped on the way back to the house in Amory with the money. It paid for rent, electricity, student loan, some groceries, and some gas. All I could think was, "Thank you Jesus, I've made it another month."
This past week my car broke down due to a dead battery. I haven't gotten a paycheck since last December. I won't get a paycheck for another two weeks. My car breaking down was the last thing I needed. Again, it was one of those times I thought, "Well crap. If I get this fixed, it leaves me with 20$ a week for groceries and gas." But I had already been taken care of. At work, I promised to help a co-worker out and sub for her. The day after my car broke down, she called me to work out the details, and she said, "I won't take no for an answer; I'm going to pay you for doing this." Around the same time, a friend of mine contacted me wanting me to proofread her paper, and she said almost the exact same thing. Yesterday, I had that overwhelming feeling again that this was how God was taking care of me.
There are times when I go through the mall and see a nice jacket or when I want something frivolous (such as an ocarina or a new wii game), that I'm a little pained that I can't afford it like I used to be able to. There are times I wish Joshua and I could go on "for real" dates and that we could go eat tasty food and not have to worry about the dishes. There are times when I walk by wedding displays, and I want to cry on the spot because I can't even afford a small, informal wedding. But I think of the times that money or food or even a job has just fallen into my lap, and when I think about it, I wouldn't trade that feeling for the world because I know I am loved by my Creator and that He will provide for me. Even though a strong, overwhelming feeling of love being shown by God for me is the primary blessing of being poor, there are several other blessings that I've received as by products. I've become less attached to things, and I spend my time doing more creative enterprises. I've become closer to the people who have invited me over for diner, and I've learned to trust God more. I want to help the church give away more food to the poor because I know how it feels, and I have a strong desire to do this myself for someone else in my position when I get older because I'll remember the kindness someone once showed me. The list could go on and on.
But all of these blessings hinge on one important factor: you've got to trust that God is going to give you what you need, and be very aware that you are not always going to get what you want. But really, when you think about it, what more do we truly need than to know God's love for us in a tangible manner?
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