There are times in my life I feel so completely alone. Tonight is one of those times even though I know there are people who love and care for me, Earthly and Heavenly.
My family couldn't do anything for Christmas Eve, but I'll see them tomorrow. Mainly, my brothers are either working or spending time with their girlfriends. My roommate is with her family. My friends are with their families or boyfriend's or girlfriend's families or spending time with their brand new babies.
And I. am. here. alone.
And I can't help but think about Heathcliff. This will be my first Christmas in three years, my first Christmas since being Catholic that he will not be sitting beside me. Out of morbid curiosity, I looked up his blog. All he writes about is other girls. He doesn't miss me. He doesn't miss me at all. I know I'm ripping off scabs, pulling out sutures, and pouring salt in the wounds, but I needed to know. I needed to see it. So I can do all that crap where I tell myself I'm strong, I'm fine, I'm okay. Fake it till I make it. And most days, I'm good. But there are moments. Because when I get that tinge of sadness thinking I miss him every now and then, I can remind myself, he sure as hell doesn't miss me, and he checked out for the last year and a half of the relationship. He's not sitting around pining away over me; I shouldn't be doing the same.
Combine this with the fact that I had to go to Starkville to visit a friend and her new baby, and everywhere I went in town was filled with nothing but memories of him, and I guess the scenery just dredged up latent, unconscious feelings. Out of sight, out of mind. I must remember that.
I think he was the first boy I ever really knew how to love. And I think it was always so easy to move on with other boys because I didn't love them like I loved him.
I guess I'm just sad, and it's an authentic sad (not apathetic, depression sad).
It feels like I'm still grieving losing someone I really loved. And I guess that's what I'm still doing. I think that's one of the reasons why I haven't been able to move on from Columbus yet.
So I'm going to go midnight mass, probably a little sad. I might tear up a bit because I'll be by myself. No friends, no family, no boyfriend. But I will be ok because I will be given the best gift one could be given at Christmas: Baby Jesus, the Eucharist, the one who gives us hope.
And that's all I need for the new year - hope.
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