Warning: this post will not make much sense, nor should it. I'm just emptying my brain and heart out so I can sleep some tonight. Feel free to skip this post.
For now, I'm in a weird place. Live life normally, hope for the best, be prepared for the worst.
All I can tell myself is increase the sacraments and increase prayer. Now is not the time to be lax or fall off the wagon.
And Thank God (i mean that, literally and very reverently) that I do have Catholic friends because they will understand if it comes to be a certain way. Because everyone else I know can't and won't understand. Catholicism truly calls a person to a different mindset and a different way of life, and if you've ever tried explaining adoration or the meaning of suffering to a non-catholic, you know what I mean because trying to explain a Catholic lifestyle to a non-Catholic person is like talking to a brick wall.
And even though I'm uncertain about what's going to happen, I'm really not worried about it. Because I know I'm taken care of and because God loves me. Before I converted, I used to flip out without a plan, and I think it was because I knew I had no one but myself. But I'm not experiencing that fear right now. I'm confident that I will be ok because I do have Jesus.
I was really blessed today. I was not alone. Had I spent the day at my house, I think I would have found a bottle of wine, drank it all, and cried myself to sleep. But instead, I was able to play with kids and hold babies. Babies and kids love you no matter what. They give you kisses and hugs and giggles. You can't help but be happy around babies and kids. That was probably the best remedy and biggest help for me today. Also telling someone was good for me. I think if I had kept it to myself, I really would have cried all day.
Come to think about it, Easter would be an appropriate time for this decision to be made. Death and Resurrection are the themes of the season. This decision, either way when you think about it, involves Death and Resurrection in both outcomes. How funny our lives are. Oddly enough, I have some sort of peace right now, knowing that at Easter, I will be experiencing my own death and resurrection right along with Jesus.
Truly, we are not alone in our struggles.
Goodnight cyberspace. Sweet dreams.
less than 3,
V
I'm one of those Catholic friends you can talk to-anytime!
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