Hello Blog

It's been a while. It's that time of the year again. Exams. I always thought it would be easier on the other side, but turns out, you can't just cram grading work. Bummer.

I've been meaning to write about various assorted informative topics, but I somehow, I keep using this as a place to sort out personal matters.

In a few weeks, I will have been engaged for two years. A girl from Bed, Bath and Beyond called me to congratulate me on my wedding in two weeks. (I reset the registry last year for May 16,2010). I had the pleasure of having an extremely awkward conversation telling her that my wedding had been cancelled and that she could just delete the registry since I can't foresee a new date anytime soon. That breaks my heart. I cried all the way to work that day. Out of all my college friends, I was the first to be engaged, and now, I'm watching them all get married. It's really painful to try to be happy for someone who has something you want. . .

I think I've come to an impass. As for deciding what to do about my current vocational state, I do think I would make a good wife and mother. I think marriage is a possiblity for me. I don't know if J and I are really all that compatible. I used to think we were, but now, I more so think we aren't. I really feel like God would allow us to get married because he knows some good can come of it; however, I think His is will is not for me to marry J in particular. I think I was supposed to met him, become good friends, become a member of the church, and then part ways. I think I just let other things cloud my judgement (what little I had in my pre-catholic days). That's a bitter pill to swallow.

It seems I've recieved no consolation whatesoever in regards to this marriage. For instance, I was told yesterday there is no full-time position at my job this next school year (which made me feel like now is the time to go to the missions - another post for another time). He's moving back home. When we baby sat recently, though he was good with the children, he got no consolation about having a family. It's been almost two months since that major meltodwn, and I feel like if in 2 years and 2 months of extreme concentration on the subject if you don't know whether or not you want to get married, you're never going to know.

He admitted this. He feels like you can never be sure about your decisions in life. I disagree. Take that logic to its extreme, if you can't be sure of anything, you can't even be sure that God exists...I think you don't have to be sure of things by yourself, but if you're doing God's will, then you can trust that it's a sure thing...

Last night, I finally got him to talk to me some. He got upset that I was watching YouTube videos. However, in my defense, he was working, and it was my way of leaving him alone because I did all my work last week. He then proceeded to tell me that it was confirmation to him that we were not compatible. I agreed. Out loud. He looked shocked. I told him how I felt, how I thought I didn't like me as a person. He looked shocked at that too. I gave him a list of things he regurarly repeats of dislikes he has about me, which include but are not limited to: I'm not witty, I don't read, I'm overweight, I'm kinda lazy, I'm kinda slow-witted, I laugh too much, I don't take things seriously enough, I'm not very self disciplined, etc, etc, etc. I looked at him and asked, "if you have so many things you don't like about me, then what do you like? And why have you stuck with me for so long?" Again, a look of shock. He started to name a few things, but they weren't as numerous as the negatives. I told him, "I love everything about you. I have two complaints. You're overly critical and analytical, and rigid, but those things are just in your personality. You can control them." More shock. At this point, he started to back pedal, and then wanted to leave.

I am actually a little proud of myself here. I stood up for myself. I told him that he couldn't leave just because he had work to do. I told him that I would stay and put my job's reputation on the line if it meant I could help my relationship that I may or may not be losing. Plus, he's been late with grades before for just plain procrastinating. He decided to stay.

I did feel some consolation after last night. I feel like if we could talk, if he would talk to me, then we would be ok. But it's like pulling teeth, and I shouldn't have to pull teeth to get this to happen.

I feel like this is all on him. I feel like he's got to do some major footwork here and meet me halfway, or there's really just no point in staying because a relationship between us, as different as we are, without the fundamental basics, namely communication, just won't work.




It won't work at all.

P.S. Though it may seem like a depressing entry, I'm really quite relieved. There's a sense of clarity here that I haven't had in a while and that's a welcomed feeling, no matter how precarious my current situation is.