It has come to my attention lately that I still have very much to learn about myself in relation to the new ideas I adopted upon entering the Catholic faith. Mainly, I think I've been poorly prepared for marriage. After all, in the culture I grew up in, marriage is what you did when you got the warm fuzzies in your stomach or got pregnant or wanted to have society-sanctioned sex. In fact, the advice given to me by several women was, "don't marry for looks or love; marry for money and the others will come after." To look back on that, those are ill-advised reasons to get married. But in my defense, until recently, I'd never known a couple who didn't get married for those reasons.
In the almost year Heathcliff and I have had to be apart, it has become strikingly clear to me that though I am not a terrible Catholic (I don't drink myself silly, still attend mass every Sunday, and seem to find my way to confession on a regular basis), I am a better Catholic when I am surrounded by better Catholics. In other words, I need examples of people to inspire me, and I need to aspire to be better. God doesn't want a half-hearted love; He's all in or nothing. I do better as a Catholic with Heathcliff around.
Moreover, I've realized that marriage is such a service. For the rest of your life, you are tied to your husband. Meaning, all of your heart, all of the time, in every way possible. You can change, but you can't quit because you've changed. You have to adapt and keep going. You can't say you give up just because you're burned out; you have to keep giving even when you don't want to give anymore. And truly, I see how this mirror's God's love for us, and to me, it's almost unfathomable that any couple takes on the notion that they can do this. Nothing in this mortal world lasts - nothing. To say that you can do something for-ev-er seems like sheer idiocy... (please note: I'm not calling married couple idiots; I'm just saying that this line of reasoning goes against good logic).
In fact, I'm willing to bet that any good Catholic couple doesn't whole-heartedly believe they can take on marriage just by themselves. They've got to know that they must ask God for help to sustain their marriage because without that, my guess would be that a divorce (if it were possible in the Catholic church) is sure to happen.
Even at that, I've stumbled across several blogs that detail problems with couples practicing NFP, how when kids enter the equation everything can get out of sync and go awry, about how some men struggle with pornography and masturbation, and about having communication problems in general. So while you may ask God for help in your marriage, there's still the very real possibility that if you are asking for help, there are most certainly going to be struggles. It's not like if you ask God for help, He's going to wave a magic hand and make all the problems disappear like a fairy godmother in a fairy tale would. No, He's going to let you struggle and figure it out.
And so here I sit pondering the Disneyfied-happily-ever-after-love I've been told about and desired for so long vs. Godly love and what that means for marriage and what that means for me as a Catholic.
It's quite daunting. Terrifying, really. And breathtaking in the same moment.
And perhaps this is why I'm not married yet and have seemingly had every stumbling block put in my path to marriage. I still have so much to learn about my faith. But I know, now more than ever before, why I think I'm better suited for marriage than a non-religious life.
Not for warm fuzzies. Not for the rush. Not for the money. Not for the sex. Not for the idealized perfect love that will never have a struggle.
Just a life of selfless serving mirroring God's own love for us, and a partner helping me earn my way to heaven.
To all of you doing this already, I have so much respect for you, and you're in my prayers because even though I don't truly know, I know it can't be easy.
And if you would, remember kindly in your prayers those of us pondering marriage. I think most of us have no inkling of an idea what we're getting ourselves into until we're already married.
Less than 3,
V.
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There's good revelation for you in this post. I think that even as a strong, faithful Catholic as you are and one that will be seeking God's grace and strength to live out a married vocation the best you can, it's extremely important to anticipate the struggles, as you have.
ReplyDeleteI know great holy Catholic couples, newly-weds in particular, that are doing their best to build up marriage in every way and love one another the best they can now, but it seems that they almost turn a blind eye to the very real possibility that in a year or two or several more, things could change for one or both partners. It's naive to think that the "newly-wed phase" is just a myth and can be extended indefinitely. And though I admire the way they view their relationship now, I hope that they are also ready for the struggles to come - because not being prepared for the work, when sacrificial love doesn't come as easily anymore, can be very dangerous to a relationship and a spiritual life.
That was a bit of a rant, huh? It wasn't meant to be, it just means that I think you're on your way to being a great wife, one that's willing to stick by the commitment to love, even when it's easier not to. And this is not meant to discourage you in marriage in anyway either - because even through the struggles and the sacrifices of love, you can look forward to the beauty that the sacrament of marriage is - long after the newly-wed phase fades.