Between the Sacred and Secular

I find myself walking a thin tightrope between the sacred and secular right now.

People on my left, people from my home, from my past, from pre-baptism are saying:

Go out! Drink yourself drunk! Indulge! Eat what you want! Wear what you want! Show that boy what he's missing. 

People on my right, people from church, from my inner circle, from after baptism are saying:

Pray. We're praying for you. Offer it up. 


Pray for me, please. I feel myself stumbling, but I haven't quite fallen yet. Part of it's due to the fact that I feel like I've had the carpet stolen out from under my feet. Heathcliff was my Godfather. I feel like he was my base. And I'm rebuilding. The other part is that I just want to give in. It's easier to just give in.

Father's homily this morning was comforting. That acronym, HALT...Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired...

I am all those things right now.  


Hungry for love. For romantic love. For holding hands, butterflies, hugs that last a moment too long, kisses. I haven't been held or kissed or touched hands with a boy for probably over two years. I just don't want someone to tell he loves me, I want them to show it. 


Angry at Heathcliff. I think I'm transitioning from over the sad part (except the occasional sulk) into anger. This is his fault. He quit. And led me on. For years. What a waste. 


Lonely. I'm bad lonely. All my friends my age or older are married with children. (No offense!) The people I have to hang out with are younger by at least a couple of years.  I fit in because I look young enough and use a cell phone for everything but phone calls, but I can't help but feel like I'm a little out of place, like I'm a little too serious. And I never feel any lonelier than when I'm lonely in a crowded room. 


Tired from a relationship.  I'm spent, burned out. I couldn't love a boy (like he should be loved) even if I wanted to right now.  I can barely find the strength in me to do an adequate job at teaching. And when you're tired, it is always easier to let go and give in and give up than to fight when there's no fight left. And I have no fight left.


And so I know I'm vulnerable. But knowing that you're vulnerable is half the battle right?


And I'm pleading for your prayers. Like I said, I feel myself slipping. And I can see what father was talking about this morning.  This weekend, while clothes shopping, I was picking out cute, but not showy tops. And literally, some random lady commented to me (and only me) "Life is too short. Show what you got while you can girl. I wasted my life being too conservative." I've always tried to dress modestly, and I couldn't help but think those words could have come straight from the Devil's mouth (not calling that woman personally the Devil). It was an extremely odd experience.


But that boy from home. He makes me laugh, and he's terribly sweet. He makes me smile, and he makes me happy. And I couldn't help but think to myself, "He'd make such a great convert." I think that's worth pursuing, if and when the time comes.  Until then, I'll keep going to shows, having a good time, and keeping myself in line. Temperance, right? Temperance.

O Blessed St. Dwynwen, you who knew pain and peace, division and reconciliation, you have promised to aid lovers and you watch over those whose hearts have been broken. As you received three boons from an Angel, intercede for me to receive three blessings; to obtain my heart's desire * my special intention *  or, if that is not God's will, a speedy healing from my pain; your guidance and assistance, that I may find love with the right person, at the right time, and in the right way; and an unshakeable faith in the boundless kindness and wisdom of God. And this I ask in the name of Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen.


Christ have mercy on me, a sinner. 


Less than 3, 
V.